El reached behind his white coat, white mist growing around his now hidden hand. The man, or would be robber, standing in front of him knew nothing, no one in this entire city knew what he could do. The man ran forward, short knife raised. El raised a hand enveloped in white mist, where the mist was he added weight to the air around his hand. The man didn’t notice the mist until he crashed into it, his hulking form cut off by the vapor. El twisted his hand, mist seemed to explode from it. He added heat, added pressure, he felt his ears pop as the forces spread. The man fell to the ground, smoke rising from his shirt. El twisted around, mist still flowing from around his hand. He ran further down the alleyway. The trailing mist behind him glowed, nothing could affect its color, weather it was shrouded darkness or broad daylight, it still shined white.
El added pressure to a small bit of air in front of him, he then stepped on it and pushed before it could disperse. In mid jump El looked up at the lightly stared sky, no clouds, but almost no twinkling lights either. El focused on one piece of sky above him, soon the white mist from his hand spread across his entire body. In one blissful moment he was entirely mist, to be added where and how he wished. El added himself to that patch of sky and before he knew it he was no longer mist, but a man falling out of the dark, cold sky. His dirty white coat billowed out around him as he fell. El laughed aloud, cold air running across his entire body. A city lay below him, most of its lights had gone dim but the center palace still glowed brightly.
The still far off ground rushed closer to him, El concentrated on the rooftops below. Bright white mist still flowed from his hand, making his coat seem the dullest garment in existence. El let the mist spread across him again, but slowly this time. This time he felt as every ligament made its transformation to glowing vapor. He felt cold, but alive. He felt as if he could do anything. El focused on a palace spire to the side. It was still far off, but he was almost entirely mist. El focused on a single spire, and the small ledge of a window hanging off it. In the same instant he became all mist he added his form to that ledge on the spire.
El gasped as he clenched the slate roof tiles that suddenly appeared in front of him. His foot slipped on the ever so small ledge. El laughed again as he clung to the side of the spire. Regaining his footing El looked across the dark city. It could have been completely uninhabited from the sight he saw now. Not a soul in the streets, not even a candle burned. But just below his feet was a very different story. Below his ledge and stretching on down the spire hundreds of lanterns shined and music rang out in the palace. El gripped the edge of the spire as he leaned out over the edge, he looked down at the ant like people as the scuttled around a brightly colored ballroom. He saw this fantastical sight through a gigantic glass dome. It held more colors then he could name and the lanterns sent those colors out across the dark city.
El carefully lowered himself down, sitting on the ledge as his feet swung freely. The lights and colors were beautiful, but they still paled in comparison to the beautiful mist flowing from in between his fingers. He was mesmerized by it as his feet swung back and forth and his hand slowly waved in front of his eyes. El smiled despite the cold, and he laughed as the mist swirled around him, searching for more things to add.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I just want to start out by saying, What a COOL super power this guys has. He can actually walk on hair, and he can take out bad guys. It doesn't get any better. ^.^
Now, for the Review:
This is a very creative idea, but from where I am sitting you aren't writing it creatively.
Here is what I mean.
In your first paragraph alone you use the word mist 7 times. Which is a little much. You also described the mist pretty much the same each time, "white mist,". Remember, Variety is the spice of life. You need to try and shake this up a bit.
I also noticed the your flow of action was a little off.
For example:
"El reached behind his white coat, white mist growing around his now hidden hand."
If El has reached behind his back, it stands to reason that his hand is hidden. Also, his now hidden hand, sound awkward... at least from my perspective. It's a fine sentence, but it's just a little bland. Don't you think?
I would try something like this,
"El hid his hand behind his back, trying to conceal the orb of white mist the was forming around it."
Can you see how this version has a little more kick to it? Now, I used the same words you used for the most part, I just arranged the flow of action, changed the focus of description, and added in some "flavor".
Again,
"El raised a hand enveloped in white mist, where the mist was he added weight to the air around his hand. The man didn’t notice the mist until he crashed into it, his hulking form cut off by the vapor."
I would try not to mention his hand more than once.
"El whipped his hand around, filling the air between him and his attacker with a thick shimmering mist. He added weight to it, causing each particle to behave as though it were solid matter. The robber took no notice, and crashed into it, his hulking form cut off by the seemingly harmless vapor."
Now, I admit flow of action isn't always easy, but I hope I was able to show you what I'm trying to say. You have to try your best make what you are saying flow, and give it a little "punch". It isn't always easy, but you have to give it your best. Otherwise readers will not be impressed.
Like I said in the beginning, this is an amazingly creative character you have here. ^.^ Please try to give him the creative sentence structure he needs to show off how awesome he is. ^.^
I will stop here. These were the only problems I noticed, but they were consistent throughout your piece. All you need to do is take what I have written and apply the lesson to the rest of the story.
Happy writing.
P.S like I say at the end of any review, this is your story, not mine. You write it how you feel is best, and keep it how you feel is best. Just take from this what you feel is needed, and discard the rest. ^.^
Thank you so much! Some of your examples were really good but sometimes it's just a battle between describing things well and not using information your POV character doesn't know.
The flow is a lot better and I see how repeating "white mist" over and over could get annoying. But I don't really know how else to describe it when El himself doesn't know what it is. He calls it mist because that's the best word he has to describe it.
Any advice on how to fix stuff with that in mind?
*Drops from ceiling* Good day, Cups here to... you know what, you get the gist.
However, you show that he's a pretty loosey-goosey sort of guy. Which you don't often get for thieves!
First of all, your very first sentence tells us that El has powers, which is unusual. This doesn't however mean it's bad! It actually captures our attention, since most books have this little build up until the protagonist's powers are revealed.
Then you show us that this mist isn't just some pretty sort of magic, it's deadly. And El clearly isn't afraid to kill. This (along with his dirty white coat), tells us that he's had a bit of a difficult past. Also, you let us know that no one else in the town knows what he can do. It's good that you got that across this early. You described that fight scene perfectly well.
From then on, you show El travelling. I don't understand it too well myself, but I'm not exactly the brightest bulb in the box, if you catch my drift.
The only grammatical error I could find, was:
Something a bit better, would be to add a comma between "footing", and "El".
That's all I can think of! Again, please do alert me whenever you update!
Just keep swimming,
-Cups
Thank you!
Yush!