12+

Not *quite* knights

PreviousNext

*I like his hair.* Clessidi whispered in Avren’s head, referring to the group’s new prisoner. 

And what does that say about my hair? Avren asked his Issiral. 

*Hmm. I think it's better than Lauras' hair.* Cless responded. Avren frowned, patting his grey dappled horse, named Lauras, on the neck. 

Thanks. Avren thought glumly. Avren looked at his left hand, wrapped in the rains of Lauras’ bridal, a slight glow in it. The glow in his hand fluctuated the smallest bit, and a tingle ran up his wrist. 

*You're very welcome.* Cless responded, if she’d had arms, they’d be crossed tightly, and if she’d had a face, it would be glaring at him.

Avren turned in his saddle and looked back at the group’s “prisoner”. The External magic user walked along casually, acting as if the rope binding his hands wasn’t there. 

*don’t see why you get so offended all the time.* Cless’s voice popped into his head again. 

Look who’s talking. He said. He heard a little huff inside his mind, and the faintest sound of footsteps pattering away. Clessidi was odd like that sometimes, acting like she actually wondered about in his head, like she really had a body.

Avren turned back to the prisoner, the man kept lifting his hands to scratch his neck. Everytime he did that motion Orsoes and Jeldea shared nervous looks as the ropes attached to their saddles’ tightened. It would seem the man liked tormenting everyone, while scratching at his neck his hand would pass right through a glowing blue necklace. The necklace was a multitude of leaves and other scrolls. It shimmered brightly, the glow was almost hard to look at for too long. Each and every man in Avren’s party had gotten a sick feeling when the External magic user had called his Ssral into the condensed form. Sometimes the prisoner would mutter something, and the faintest, almost wind like voice would sound. It was so faint you couldn’t understand it, but Avren and the others knew it was the External magic user’s Ssral.

“So does anyone want to know my name?” The prisoner asked, raising his hand up.

“You can state your name to the king.” Phlan responded, “Along with a confession to your crimes.”

“I’m Telteir Reyl. And your name?” The prisoner--Telteir-- asked, tugging on the rope that connected to Jeldea’s saddle. Jeldea jumped slightly and turned around to look at Telteir through shaggy bangs.

“Jeldea, son of Lord Gamoron.” He said.

“Son of Gamoron?” Telteir asked. “Aren’t there hundreds of you Gamoron boys?”

“My mother only knows about four . . . “ Jeldea said, smiling. Teltier laughed.

“And whata ‘bout you?” Telteir asked, pulling on the line that Led to Orsoes.

“Orsoes, son of Master Ves.” Orsoes quietly, glancing back at him with dark eyes.

“Never heard of you.” Telteir said bluntly. “And tree over there?” Telteir continued, thumbing over his shoulder at Pars.

“As if I’ll answer to you.” Pars responded.

“You just did.” Telteir said, not turning back to look at Pars. The longbowman’s face furrowed. “Aaaand, now you!” Telteir said, jerking his bound hands back at Marrel. The large, thick shouldered man gave a startled look.

“Marrel.” He said bluntly.

“No ‘son of’ to speak of?” Telteir asked. Marrel shook his block of a head. “Goin’ against the pattern I see. Good for you.” Telteir scanned the rest of the group. “Hmm, let’s see. Just did you.” He said, pointing to Orsoes. “Don’t care about you.” Said as his finger passed Phlan. “Haven’t done you, or you!” Telteir said, pointing one finger at Ilmetton, the other at Avren himself.

“Ilmatton, son of Lord Maser, nephew of King Cassae.” Ilmetton said.

Ooh. That one’s fancy. Can you top that blonde?” Telteir asked Avren.

“Avren, ward of Sir Manthins.” Avren said. Avren heard Pars sigh in the back of the group.

“You know what I just noticed!” Telteir exclaimed. “The obvious lack of ‘Sir’s throughout these introductions . . . anyone know why that might be?”

“Well, we aren’t quite knights.” Jeldea said.

“Jeldea!” Phlan snapped. “Don’t--ugh.”

“Not quite knights?” Telteir laughed. “Does this mean you’re not quite taking me to the Circum?”

“You will still see justice.” Phlan said.

“Oh please no!” Telteir threw up bound hands. “The last thing is need is being plopped in not quite a dungeon.” Telteir laughed once again. “I honestly don’t know why I’m still here, I could have gone long ago. That simply shows you how bored I am . . . I get capture just for a short conversation.”

“And how’s that working for ya?” Jeldea asked.

“Great! Haven’t you noticed?” Telteir asked.

“No, not quite.” Jeldea said, both men broke out laughing.

“Would you just stop it!” Phlan snapped. 

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
BeTheChange
Review

Hey! BeTheChange here, aiming to help you make positive “changes” in your writing! (See what I did there? ....okay, that was lame.)

This had an interesting set-up. Very old-fashioned-high-fantasy, like LOTR or something similar! But I noticed a few minor grammar issues, like missing commas.

Also, a bigger problem was that this was very confusing. Is it part of a novel? If so, please mark it accordingly! If not, you kind of just threw readers into an all new world with no explanation...

I’ll end with a positive or two, though. I love the prisoner’s sass (sorry, can’t spell his name, lol). And each character had a distinct personality! Good job on that,

I'd like to formally apologize to you for the fact that you were exposed to my old writing. I'm being careful not to go back and read this because... criiinge.

Anyway, thanks for the sweet review!

~Jenny

User avatar
Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Tue Aug 23, 2016 3:30 pm

Hello! :D
Snazzy here for a review!

The first really big thing I noticed is that every time a new character talks (well, thinks at least), a new paragraph isn't inserted. While there are few times when this can be considered a "style" of an author, I find it distracting. The overall rule is to not confuse the readers (especially in any type of dialogue) - and I was confused int the first couple paragraphs because of that reason. It's easily fixed, and I feel I (and other readers) would be able to enjoy it more if it was fixed.

As for the "talking in the head Issiral thing", it is slightly confusing, but I'm assuming that this was already explained in the intro, so I'll leave it at that.

Avren turned back to the prisoner, the man kept lifting his hands to scratch his neck


It shimmered brightly, the glow was almost hard to look at for too long.


A little grammar point here - the comma should be a semi colon ( ; ) as you are joining two sentences.

“My mother only knows about four . . . “ Jeldea said, smiling.


This seems like an odd reaction from Jeldea to Telteir. After all, isn't Telteir the prisoner? Didn't Phlan specifically say that he could state his name to the king? It just seems odd that he would be friendly to someone who just went against 'orders', and is of his 'position' (prisoner). Unless of course Jeldea is also a prisoner... Which if they are, then that would be a thing to fix; you would need to clear that up beforehand.

The second half is quite humorous, and I love Telteir's character! :D

Overall though, this is confusing - mainly, I think, because you have so many characters. I've been in your shoes before, and it is extremely hard to pull off having so many characters talking at once (and confusing too). Therefore, it was hard to enjoy most of it. (Although, like I said, the second half was pure humor. I loved it! :D )

Anyway, good luck with this, and keep writing!

~Snazzy

Thank stuff you said about Avren's thoughts was so right. I did change it and it flows much better now.
Thanks so much for the review! I'm happy you enjoyed the humor!

User avatar
SharkTheCat
Review

Hello,

First of all, quite a nice start, but you need some tweaking to do in order to make it sound a tad bit better and start building up on your characters.

- The mental conversation is interesting, but who is Clessidi? How is she in his head?

- Describe reactions, feelings and all that a bit more in order to set the tone and build up the story/character better.

- I like the conversation, though keep in mind every character you introduce has a personality (unless you purposely omit it and it's not relevant to the story), so each can react differently, such as have a hesitation, refuse to respond, act amused by the whole situation. You can also attach "strings", so to speak, between characters - who looks up to who or towards who they look for guidance or permission (say an unwritten leader of the bunch), or maybe who they even disagree with. No need to throw it all in, but keep in mind that you can leave subtle hints that a reader might pick up and actually enjoy finding.

Next I'm going to give you some examples of how I would have written a few parts. Bear in mind, you can take what you need and what you like, but also that my style might not necessarily fit yours. It's just a "starting" point:

*I like his hair.* Clessidi whispered in Avren’s head, referring to the group’s new prisoner. And what does that say about my hair? Avren asked his Issiral. *Hmm. I think it's better than Lauras' hair.* Cless responded. Avren frowned, patting his grey dappled horse, named Lauras, on the neck. Thanks. Avren thought glumly.

Ex: I like his hair... Clessidi whispered in Avren's head, making him flinch from the sudden intrusion in his mind. He turned towards the new prisoner, inspecting his [describe hair] and scoffed, before focusing on his mental conversation.
And what does that say about my hair? Avren asked his Issiral [What is an Issiral?], expecting, as always, a witty response from the voice.
Hmmm.... I think it's better than Lauras' hair. When washed. Cless responded, a hint of glee coming from her tone, one that made Avren frown at the reply. He gently patted Lauras, the grey dappled horse with better hair, on the neck, before throwing a glumy Thanks. towards Clessidi.

“So does anyone want to know my name?” The prisoner asked, raising his hand up.

Ex: So does anyone want to know my name?" The prisoner asked, raising his hand up, his face lighting up with a joyful expression, one that stood too much on his crooked features to be passed as true.

“You can state your name to the king.” Phlan responded, “Along with a confession to your crimes.”

Ex: " You can state your name to the king." Phlan responded with a low voice, "Along with a confession to your crimes." the man added his eyes fixed on the prisoner as if trying to get the confession out of him on the way.

Telteir can be a wonderful character - witty, annoying, powerful, elegant and courteous in a scary/intimidating way, manipulative. Build him as you like, but that's what this conversation hinted towards. His personality needs more "flesh on the bones", and you can do that through describing his interaction with the guys better.

- Where did Avren go? He just suddenly didn't say anything, do anything after Telteir started talking.

Alright. This will be my review. I really hope it helps.

Sharkcat out!

Thanks so much! Loved that little "When washed." Bit!
And an Issiral is what Clessidi is. The little force that lives inside an internal magic user.

Also, as a reference, read Joe Abercrombie's series - The first law. The guy has a brilliant way (from my pov) of describing and introducing characters, among other things.



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury