“No, Dear, I’m not a god,” the thing answered. Sensuret stared at it, taking in its glistening wings, and shimmering body. It looked to Sensuret like he imagined a god would, clean and shiny, bathed in light.
“What are you then?” he asked it.
“Well,” the thing said, after a moment of consideration, “I suppose you would call me a demon.”
Sensuret wasn’t sure what to make of that, this didn’t look at all like a demon. Demons were evil, wicked things to be avoided, and this was so beautiful.
“What kind of demon?”
“A dream demon.”
“What’s that?”
“I change people’s dreams.”
“And am I dreaming?”
“No, sorry, boy, I’m afraid not. Although earlier I thought I might be. I’ve never been seen by a human before.”
The thing sat down, and the old chair didn’t creak at all, making Sensuret wonder if it were weightless.
“Guess it’s just your natural power,” the thing mused, reclining.
“Is that your job, Demon? Do you give people power?”
“I give some people power, but I didn’t give any to you just now, someone else must have, but I can’t suppose who. I don’t know anybody with the ability to spread that power.”
“You mean other demons?”
“I don’t suppose it’s any harm in telling you, Dear; you’ll find out on your own soon enough. Yes, there are others, many of us.”
“And it’s you who have been giving people powers all over the place?”
“All of us, yes.”
“Why now,” he asked. “Why not before?”
“We’ve always done this, just now there are more of us to go around.” The demon folded its glossy wings over its shoulders, and smoothed them down neatly. “You see, we’re running out of room in our home.”
“I’m sorry,” Sensuret said automatically. He folded his hands politely.
“No, no, Dear, it’s nothing for you to worry about. It’s just now that most of us don’t have a place to go home to, we’re out here a lot more, and while we’re here anyway, I don’t suppose there’s any harm in sharing our powers to a few humans like you.”
“Are you going to find a new place to live?”
“Some of us are looking, right now. A lot more are focused on expanding our existing home, although I think it’s not going to work at all.”
“And where’s your home?”
“Why in the Earth’s core, of course, Dear. Well, that's where we get it from, and then I suppose we pass it on to you, don't we?”
Sensuret had only taken in one thing. “My power came from the middle of the Earth?”
The demon nodded kindly. Sensuret smiled, and hugged his skinny arms to his chest, feeling proud and connected.
“I really must be going, though,” the demon said.
Sensuret said, “Already?”
“It was very nice talking to you. Maybe you’ll see me again, sometime.”
“All right then,” Sensuret said, watching the shimmering demon stand up and unfold its gauzy wings, thin and almost transparent. The demon saw what he was looking at.
“I don’t suppose you’d want another power, would you, Dear?” it said, hesitantly.
Sensuret gaped at the demon. After a second, he realized his mouth was open and shut it politely.
“Really?” he asked the gleaming creature. “You wouldn’t mind?”
“No, no, I suppose not. That’s partly why we exist, isn’t it? Now, the only power I can give you is to do with dreams. Do you like dreams, Dear?”
“I do,” Sensuret said, concealing his enthusiasm. He loved all sorts of dreaming, especially daydreaming. It was his passion.
“Well, then.”
The demon reached behind to its back, and caught hold of a wing and pulled. With a musical ripping sound, the wing tore off. It looked plain and limp, like cloth, in the demon’s hand. Sensuret gasped.
“What are you doing to yourself?” he said, taking a step forward.
“Don’t you worry, Dear. It doesn’t hurt a bit.”
“Are you sure that’s okay? They were so beautiful on you.”
The demon tore off its other wing and made a motion to Sensuret with an arm. “Turn around now, Dear, if you don’t mind. That’s what they’re made for, anyway. We lost the ability to fly centuries ago.”
Sensuret tried to look over his shoulder as the demon touched its warm hands to his back.
“Anyway, they’ll grow back eventually. Hold still, now,” it said. “I wouldn’t want to make a mistake, would I?”
“Sorry,” Sensuret said. He stared out of the window in front of him, at the dry, barren landscape, distorted by the rising heat. He scuffed the dusty floor with a sandal, tracing an arch.
After a minute, the demon muttered, “There, now. I suppose I’m all done.”
Sensuret looked behind him.
“Do you see them,” the demon asked.
“See what?”
“Why, I gave you my wings, of course! If you can see demons, you can see their wings, you just have to look for them and you’ll see. Just like you found me, remember, Dear?”
Sensuret concentrated, and after a minute, saw the beautiful silky wings, attached to his own back.
“They’re wonderful!” Sensuret exclaimed, clapping his hands with delight. “Thank you, Demon!” He turned to hug the glowing entity, but his arms slipped right through it and he fell, off balance, against the wall. The rough stone scratched his palms.
The demon apologized. “That’s how it works, though,” it explained.
“Thank you again,” Sensuret said. He wished he had something to give to it.
“It isn’t a trouble. Now, I really must be going. Good bye!”
“Good bye!” Sensuret called, as it stepped lightly out the door and disappeared into the bright sun and heat waves.
He fingered the thin material of his wings, feeling the touch on his fingers and in his back. He tried to flap them and spread them wide, but they gave a feeble flop and a twitch. It would take some practice, Sensuret thought. But he would do it. One day, Sensuret vowed, he would fly.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Very good. I enjoyed every bit of it.
In places it needs more describtion but overall it was fantastic.
I can't wait for more.
Saphira
I really liked this Jenna. It was Fantasy like I love and it had very interesting characters. What, though I ask, is your main character's power? I kept hearing him ask if his powers came from the demon and I read a yes but I never got what his power was. Was it that he could see the demon? And also I wonder if he had seen this being before hand. Does your character usually see such beings because he seemed very unsurprised. If it would have been me I would have freaked after being told I wasn't dreaming. Matter of fact I would have freaked if I saw a demon in the first place. But then again you did describe it as absolutely beautiful with great description I might add, so I guess he was sort of in a trance, maybe it didn't really matter that it was something so different? Anyway, as far as the story it was great, I'm really looking forward to the next, if there will be a next or if there already is one let me know. Great Job on this. I would only say to involve your readers more, I would like to know everything about these characters and I only know a little about the demon and the things that he answered for your main character. Great name as well, it's very interesting and new.
Keep it up and best of wishes!
Sorry if I repeat anything that anyone else has already said...
Instead of the comma, maybe use a semi-colon instead?
I really liked the way this was composed mostly of dialouge: I'm not one to like a lot of description, so this was a very enjoyable read for me.
One more suggestion: maybe talk about your main character's emotions a little more when the demon is giving him more power? As it is, Sensuret seems a little unsurprised that the Demon is doing this for him. Isn't it a big deal?
I don't have much else to say, as this was already well written in the first place. Nice work!
I thought the dialog was very well writen, giving the characters personality and setting them apart.
Having a description of what they looked like and the settings they were in would help to bring the story alive. Giving people a setting with as much individuality as your dialog would help complete the image of your characters. I find that what the setting looks like can tell the reader alot about the character.
i hope i made sense.
This is great stuff. Like most of the others though, I agreee that you need some more description, and I'm being a bit of a hypocrit because I'm forget description too once I get into the plot. The dialogue was very good too.
I found the demon very interesting, a very likeable character. Someone mentioned the repitition in his dialogue. I noticed it but I thought it may have been intentional, in that it was the way he spoke so that hje revealed very little. I didn't finding it annoying at all, I thought it built on the character.
The boy, he was a plkeasant character. I did want to know what he looked like, though.
As a whole, its a great start. Descrition is main area for improvement; like me, everything else was very well done.
A couple of things:
‘taking in its glistening wings, and shimmering body.’
- This comma isn’t needed.
‘“Well,” the thing said,’
- I don’t like the ‘the thing said’ bit.
- I think it may be because the last two lines of dialogue had a speech tag also (‘the thing answered’ and ‘he asked it’).
I feel like this is a bit bland when it comes to descriptions - I can’t really ‘see’ the area they’re in, nor do I know anything about Sensuret that isn’t revealed in his dialogue (for example, I can’t really guess at his age).
On the flip said, I’d say my two favourite parts of this story would be the demon character and your opening (which caught my attention from the go).
wow, this is pretty good. the plot looks good too and I look foreward to any future chapters. ^^
Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review
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Wouldn’t it be: I’m a dream demon?
‘chose’ = chosen
1) Character
Dream Demon – He seems an intelligent creature and I liked the fact that he was so natural with Sensuret, and it calling Sensuret ‘Dear’ made it more lovable.
Sensuret – It is hard to guess how old he is, I imagined him to be in his preteens and I liked how you got his reactions through, he wasn’t soppy or arrogant as I would have imagined him to be.
2) Dialogue
The dialogue, to me, flowed naturally. What annoyed me was the Demon’s repetition of ‘I suppose’, ‘I don’t suppose’, etc. Perhaps you could change to something else his character would say, he is intelligent enough to be a little more wordy.
3) Description
Yay for the imagery of the Demon! I could also see him in my mind but I couldn’t really tell what colour he may have been, you mentioned ‘shiny’ and so I thought of silver or yellow. Sensuret had nothing to show for his character or what his surrounding was like. I had to read twice before I knew he was in a room. At first it felt he was in a dream or a bare space in Time, etc.
I like it as it is but with a little more description earlier on, as to their surroundings, it would come alive and sparkle. It was easy to read from beginning to end and I don’t know if you want to continue or just keep it as a short story, either way I would love to read more!
-- Myth
Thanks a lot for the critiques.
I've tried to add more detail in this version, but I don't want to overpower my dialogue or have it turn into a description soup. 
Trident, Glad you like it! The next part is going to be a few years later.
Adam, you gave me an idea about angels.
Very nice story. Again, like Snoink said, great dialouge. Although, the story could really use a couple more descriptions. You can see the boy in your head, but you need to get around to giving us the picture. That's just a suggestion though. Nice job. =D
I think you could take out the What and remove some of the awkwardness.
Very nice indeed. I didn't see any mistakes really. I liked the way the demon is friendly. I hope you have more.
Taking an old idea and completly twisting it around like that. So are Angels mean? I look forward to more.
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This was nice. I like how it didn't give too much away to the reader.
One thing, if he says this:
then how can he know that the power came from the center of the earth? I know there was something about all power coming from the center of the earth, but it still seems like a small hole in the story.
I agree that the dialogue was good. Perhaps a bit fresh in its directness. The ending was nice as well! I'm assuming the next part will not immediately come after this?
I'll agree with Snoinkles on that and with the He thing, I'm saying you should do that.
I think Lovely would be fine, as a noun.
Thanks Jiggy and Snoink!
I didn't actually write it in November, I wrote it this morning. I just planned it for NaNo and didn't get around to writing it because it didn't fit with what my story changed into.
Glad you could tell the difference between my characters. That's what I was hoping for.
About the He thing, I can't find where I did that! Or are you saying I should do that?
Sweet started as Sweety, but that sounded too feminine and I didn't want my demon to have a gender. I've changed it to Dear now, but that sounds kind of old. Any other ideas?
I'm trying to turn this from failed NaNo atempt to something actually good, so don't lower your standards or anything.
Hehehe... I would add more description with the dialogue. For one, if this was nano, you want all the words you can yget! But that also helps the general flow of the story as well. Still, I love your dialogue. Your dialogue definitely separated the characters from each other, making them very distinct, and that is a rare thing to see in a young writers club! So I commend you for that. The main thing would be to describe what the characters are doing as this dialogue commences. Not just how they say it, but what they're doing, what the scenery is, and that kind of stuff.
Cool dialogue!
This is an uber awkward sentence, that could be improved.
Seeing as its written Nano style small grammatical errors or typos dont matter all to much. In terms of characterisation ... well, there's very little right now, I think. So little of the characters were revealed however this is only a small excerpt. I will say that the epitath "Sweet" is strange, I think maybe it would make more sense if it was "Sweety". The plot is sound and overall this is excellent writing. Cant wait for more.