Young Writers Society

Thanks for the advice

You've got some nice ideas and images here. I had no trouble understanding what it was about, which is a trap you can easily fall into with poetry. Eimear is right about the punctuation, though. It really needs it to make it flow better. Once we know exactly where the pauses and such are, it will probably flow very nicely.

The haiku-lover that I am, it is a little long for my tastes. Condensing the ideas might be benecifical.

And welcome to the Society. I hope you like it here.

Eimear,

Thanks, that's not harsh! That's honest.

The idea just got me writing and I understand it needs a large amount of re-structuring. Your tips can help me to focus on particular parts.

Hey, and welcome to YWS! Just remember to take a look at the rules and guidelines- and that there is a ratio of 2:1= 2 reviews to every poem you post. That way everyone gets a good chance of reviews, you know?

Ok, a few things here. The overall concept of 'walls' is good but.....


1. Structure. It's not strong enough to carry the piece. A would perhaps suggest losing the stanzas? It might flow better as one, continuous poem.

2. Capitalization. You don't need to have a capital letter for every new letter on a new line expect in the case of it being after a full stop.

3. Punctuation. There is none. This makes it very hard to read.

4. Telling, not showing. You need to focus on trying to not shove the emotions in the poem down the reader's throat. Doing this defeats the purpose of poetry. We need stronger imagery in this. The repetition doesn't help either.

I hope this helps, and that you don't think I'm being too harsh. But this is my honest opinion, and I really do think you've got something here if you revise certain points. I'm usually knocking around the poetry forums if you need to PM me for tips.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear