Fragile Bones.

I liked this. I'll say right off I'm not a fan of vampire stories, but I like idea of going through vampire and vicar personaility. Am I right? If not then sadly it would of made this original. I agree about servant they seem close almost like family. It's almost like this is a common occurence. So far I like the servant best. It's got potential. I'll certainly read next part .

I like how you introduce the Church, but if I'm not much mistaken Vampires can't enter the Church let alone hunt there. Then again if you're making it original maybe you're ignoring the usual suspect so to speak. Anyway great start, look forward to reading the rest. One last thing, give us some more detail of scenes. Great work.

Good Luck
VSN

lol if you say so

But my dear friend, what you just mentioned about the servant makes me happy, you're a good reader and I, well i'm a teaser.

I want my readers to think, so I don't explain everything straight away because I think that ruins some of the experience.

You noticed something about the servant, but you don't know why he acted that way, and you want to find out, don't you? You will find out later on...

Thanks though, so sweet of you two

Intriguing beginning!

My only critique is that it is unlikely that a servant would voice displeasure with his master unless the two were very close. And you don't give us enough information one way or the other. If they are close, mention something. If not, I would delete that, even though it does give us an insight into the messiness of the vampire's eating habits. If you wanted to keep that imagery, you'd have to come up with something else... They seem like they could be close, but maybe if you put a little more hinting in, it would be better.

Also, the full title that the servant uses right before they leave seems a little stiff. Perhaps just use his first name and then leave it at that. You can put his full title in there somewhere later.

Anyway, nice beginning as I said. Good luck with the rest!

~GryphonFledgling

Wow! That was a good followup! Not much to say really, I though it was really good! It offered a nice little explanation to why he just ranomdly killed that person

'No darkness belonged in such a sacred place, the beautiful songs of angels and humans echoed between the walls. It was a song of peace and purity, they sang about faith and hope.

Caring smiles adorned their faces as their hymn grew more powerful and stronger, making the earth crumble beneath them, sharing their faith and belief.'

I reckon, actually, that the servant would be a bit more scared - but a bit of emotion into it.

I really liked that bit, I would just replace faith and belief with relgion.

Brilliant! Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~