Published July 7, 2009
If a swan, in its pure white elegance,
was capable of the constant flittings
of a bumblebee;
If the solid oak, with roots deep
would yeild the sweet elder's blossom;
If the sun and the moon could join
in common friendship; melodic harmony,
it would be in your dear little heart.
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141,465 Literary Works • 674,483 Reviews
This is a lovely, lovely poem. It reminds me of Stevenson's poetry. Pretty and sweet and beautiful, beautiful imagery. The ending is as Galerius says, quaint and pretty.
oh, I've nothing much to add but this is very beautiful. It made me smile when I read it.
--Knightly
aaaawwww Megan. You are so marvellously talented.
This is truly spectacular (!!! new word!). I love it. And you could lie and say it's about Imogen. It could be!!!
p.s I'd get rid of the comma after 'join' because you've split the phrase onto two lines and it doens't need to be separated.
Oh Megan what a wonder you are. xx
Hi JemimaPuddleDuck,
At a first glance, this poem does seem satisfactory to the mind's eye but it fails on several levels. First of these is the fact that you use very glancing imagery, bullets deflected off a shield and not penetrating the armor that is the reader's natural barrier when reading. For example, "solid" oak? I'm assuming the fact that it's solid means something or at least is supposed to embellish the imagery, but "solid" itself is no descriptive term worth using. What does that even mean? Strip it down to it's base levels and work from there; talk about the aspects of solidity.
Do the same with the joining of sun and moon. It is possible to create some fantastic lines with that unique imagery but you leave the reader hanging after only one line. Describe the wonder, the smashing of golden and silver atoms.
The ending is a quaint and pretty one, so good job on that.
Hope that helped,
Galerius