Nothing to say, except that it's my first fiction in English- others were in french and everyone that once studied this language knows that the rules are different. So sorry for the mistakes. But my style is mine- maybe a little less expressive.
PART I: And Then
Today.
There was no cloud, no wind today. No, it was a sunny day. The two were walking, in silence, as if the day was too sunny for them. The sky too blue and that everything around them was proclaiming the news: Back to school.
She was wearing the new uniform but he thought that she was always either handsome. Her cerulean eyes looking for an indistinct form far away us, she was daydreaming about their entry to High School. The fine mouth, a short cute nose, the freckles which covered his face gave her a malicious air as if she was going to make another of her pranks. She was Anna.
And he was Vincent. Taller than the last year, it seemed. But the muscles did not seem to follow- he was still either thin, his black hair shorter than it should to follow the fashion. He always seemed lost or displaced wherever he went.
"And, huh, you're sure that you can wear this… skirt?" asked Vincent with a gesture toward the little strip of tissue she was wearing. "Does your mother see that? Because I am not sure that you…"
"Damned it, Vince, can you get out of my way?" she interrupted him, glancing at him. "See, this is the first day of my new life… I'll not be a total jerk like you this year!" She pushed his schoolbag, as it opened up." No way! And get a life! "She claimed, her blond hair moving all around her while she was staring menacingly at him.
There was a silence, and then two. Before that Vincent tried to ask Anna about her summer , a car stopped beside them. It was a sport car, a new model, one of them where the stereo is bigger than the motor. But in that moment, there was no music, only the sound of the motor working slowly. The window went down, a older guy, looking like a senior high-school student, with gilded hair and blue eyes, appeared.
“ Wanna a lift?” He asked them, with the smile- you know exactly which one- the one with this ridicule dimple in the chin.
Vincent stared at Anna. She was smiling at the guy, completely charmed by his showed-off car driver behaviour. She seemed so excited by the idea.
“Why not? It’s our first day, you imagine what they’ll all think when they see me get out of the car with this guy, especially with you sexy”, she said a grin plated on her face. “Let’s go in Vince! “
“ Thank, but no. Her mother wants me keeping an eye on her you know.” he said to the driver. He tried to make a little laugh, but no one joined him. His voice was shaking now, he was so nervous about the entry and now, this old man, okay not so old, but older than them, arrived and asked Anna- he wasn’t that dumb, it’s was clear that he was only interested by her childhood friend- to come in this car to do whatever things.
Did Anna see that he was an unknown? Maybe a young mass-murderer, locking off of his shelter for a try and then he saw them, so innocent, and decided that he wanted to play. He didn’t say a word when Anna nodded, and looked at him, confusedly angry.
He didn’t say what he thought about that dude because he knew what would be her answer,”How can you meet interesting people if you just talk to known people? Except if you think about these meetings between our mothers and their friends. “ Yeah, he saw a lot of movies where the hot chick yellow hair was attracted by a sexy unknown so mysterious and finished raped and killed. Or killed and raped. Depends what was the movie’s rate.
“Yes, it’s true that there’re only two places.”, Anna answered, suddenly quiet. She moved her hand, like to see off a bug from her,” I think that a walk would do a great good to you, Vince.”
Then she slapped the door’s car and in two vrooms, they turned the corner.
Vince stayed at the same place, collapsed by the meanings of theses words.
They were friends, since… he didn't know when first he met her. Maybe even before their birth. Their mothers were friends, long-date friends, and their friendship reached them. God, they were friends for ever!
He thought that, but obviously, she didn't agree with him.
His head swayed: no, he was totally wrong. How could he imagine that 12 years of friendship, memories, would be sweep away like that? It was impossible. As she said, he was a total jerk, yes, a loser who nobody knows or likes. But she was his friend, and nothing other count.
He inclined himself, putting over all his books in his schoolbag. He was late now, but he knew that at the recess, she'll be there. Like always.
It was a new school, yes. A new outset, somewhere no one would know about his primary school. He was walking, and toward him, the St-Peter High School was standing there, waiting him and 1900 others students for a new year.
As he went up the stairs, a big, yellow-haired guy stopped him. His hand on his shoulder, he was staring him intensely.
"You." he grunted out, with a threaten glaze.
"Me?" Vincent asked, innocently.
"I think that you're late. So you are the next." The thick-guy-with-a-bad-looking – it was the nickname Vincent gave him- mumbled.
His hand was still on his shoulder, but heavier. He tried to keep an eye-contact with his maybe-next-bully.
"Next… What, what do you mean?" He stammered uncomfortable under this stare.
"You'll be the next." The guy repeated, releasing finally his painful member.
After a last glance that had either terrifying the newbie, the thick-guy-with-a-bad-looking got in the school.
The second bell rang, announcing his late.
He didn't know why, but he felt that he would see again this guy… and not for the right things.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I liked the ending--kind of puts you in suspense for what will happen next. I noticed a few things but I will go easy on you.
You could Bold Back to School so that it stands out more. Like this:or you could try italics:
Shouldn't it be "Damn it, Vince, can you get out of my way?"?
She's kind of answering herself there, which doesn't make much sense.
Try describing her menacing look instead of telling us that she stared menacingly at him.
Good job.