Down The Lonely Road
Dogwood stump and bench of stone
once again my wounds have shown
They've left me sitting all alone
recovering from the latest blow
Head in hands and knees apart
as my woe bleeds from my heart
My shameful pawn moved back to start
Down the lonely road
I’ll find my place where I’m unheard
Where my name is no hushed word
Tears make my vision blurred
Down the lonely road
Down the lonely road I go
By this point it’s not my own
Maybe soon I’ll find a home
Down the lonely road
They follow me from town to town
Haunt my dreams and keep me down
They’re the reason I am bound
Down the lonely road
Their eyes follow, but sword in hand
I’m prepared to take my stand
They attack and circle ‘round
Then leave me shaking on the ground
I swallow my tears, hate, and pain
I knew my efforts were in vain
Even still I set off again
Down the lonely road
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I think this was actually pretty good. The only line I'd say is a little too cliche is "woe bleeds from my heart." The bleeding heart coupled with the word "woe" is a little melodramatic, but other than that you had good imagery that didn't get too silly.
I only have a couple questions:
I was confused by the line "I'll find my place where I'm unheard," because it's followed by "where my name is no hushed word" (btw, that line would flow better syllable-wise if it said "where my name is not a whispered word"). I mean, the second line makes me think the narrator should be saying "I'll find my place where I am heard." So I'm not sure what you were trying to get across there. Does the narrator want to be heard, or does the narrator want to be left alone in peace and quiet?
And I was wondering who "they" are. The "they" who appear later in the poem and are fought off by the narrator with sword in hand. Ghosts from the narrator's past? People who judge the narrator? False friends, abusers, ex-lovers? The fact that "they" haunt the narrator means more if we have a hint of who "they" are.
Hope this helps!
~Blue
Thank you for your advice. c:
I will defiantly keep this in mind when I come back to this piece in the future.
Honestly, I saw it as the main character somehow shamed themselves and everywhere s/he goes they are met with jeers or are shunned. I thought the ghosts are those that hurt him/her in this way. S/he just wants to be excepted.
I didn't think it was too cliche. Parts of it were, you just have to find those parts and fix them, but sometimes cliche is good. it gives people a ground to base their thoughts about your poem on. I liked the part where you said "they're the reason I am bound." I thought this was a good representation of what the poem is about because it talks about how other people are the cause of troubles that this person might be blaming on themselves. I don't know if this is what you wanted me to get out of this, but that's what I got out of it.
I like the repeating parts, and other parts are very descriptive emotionally. I like it.
This poem gives me a funny feeling in my stomach, hopelessness? hopeFULness? I don't know, but it moves me. Nice job.
you might want to add more punctuation though. I dunno, it's a personal choice.
Thank you!