Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Not a difficult day goes by, not even a whisper of threat on the rugged cliff sides of California. There, wild heads of orange embraced the sea wind. They had entered quietly into the world, waiting patiently for the sun to appear between the puffy grey sea clouds. They’d made a promise to stay true to the dormant sun, whenever she chose to appear.
Unlike their brothers and sisters in the tourist’s fields on poppies, they were untouched by humans. Forgotten, they peered over the cliff edge and dropped their petals, waiting patiently as they fall into the dark, deep sea.
The undersides of these orange blossoms are faded, but the heart, still bright as ever, look up to the sun and moon as they pass above. The sun, a friendly sight, but her rays seem to burn and burn the ground, and for some moments, the poppies worry that she’ll burn them too. The moon provides some relief, but he stands with such posture that reminds them that, at any time, he could raise the waves, and drown them. It was such a scary thought, so when he rose overhead, they refused to look up at his soft light and instead turned their heads down, shivering in fear and cold.
So they stay, and stay. Under rare rainy skies and the common scorching, somber sun, they stay.
They stay just as Saffi left them as a child, when she’d sit at the edge of the cliff with them. She wasn’t afraid of it crumbling under her feet-or, maybe part of her wanted it to. Maybe she wanted to fall into the ocean and join the graveyard of poppy petals on the sandy bottom. Whether it’s because of childhood curiosity, or clarvoicance of the years to come, she’d never tell, because even she didn’t understand it.
Eventually her visits stopped. Other things became more important, or maybe less important, but either way she stopped coming to the poppy fields.
They still moved on without her, dying and living and dying all over again in a monotonous circle. Nothing changed without her.
But she still changed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Hello Jellibelli, Katja here to review your prologue. As with all of my reviews please feel free to disregard any and all comments or suggestions I make if you find them to be unhelpful. That being said lets get into the review~
Overall Thoughts
So, my first impression is confusion. The actual circumstances that your prologue is describing is a little hard for me to grasp. I understand that we have a (I assume) main character named "Saffi"and that she used to visit a field of poppies by a beach and she stopped visiting them and in some way or another she has "changed". I like the story so far, but It is hard for me to fully understand what is happening.
My favorite part of this prologue thus far is the imagery you introduce in the first few paragraphs.
My favorite lines,
This really fits with the fantasy theme and I love the imagery it evokes. I also love the personification of the sun, moon, and the poppies.
Suggestions
Maybe make the story a little easier to consume.... And what I mean by that is it is a little difficult to fully soak in what is happening. That's just my opinion of course. Other than that I don't have anything else to suggest~
Summary
My favorite part of this prologue is the imagery and title. It really suits the fantasy genre and evokes strong imagery throughout. I hope to see a chapter 1 to further clarify what is happening and see what this story is all about!
I hope my review is helpful and I look forward to reading more of your work soon.
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Hey there Jell! Here to help get this out of the green room!
I’m not sure if I have ever reviewed any of your stuff so I’m just going to give you the rundown of my usual format. So, I generally tell you what I didn’t like or understand and then leave you on a good note of what I liked about it!
So here we go!
So the main thing I noticed was that you use a lot extravagant description words. I find that too many can distract your reader from what you are trying to get across to them. This could just be me so don’t listen if you don’t want to!
And that’s literallly all I found that could maybe be edited! I really liked this actually! It was a very unique way of introducing a book. From what I can tell, this will be a pretty deep book and one that really gets you thinking. I could be wrong but that’s the vibe I’m getting from this. I’m not sure exactly what this is about but the way you wrote was captivating and makes me want to read more!
The other users just don’t know what they’re missing.
Keep on writing!
Your friend,
Honora <3