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Chapter 1

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I Looked towards the now burning city. The residents thought their walls could protect them. They were wrong. They made the mistake in thinking the demon tribes had split permanently. They made the mistake in underestimating me. Now they've paid the price. 


I walked over towards the city gates and was approached by a succubus. "We have found some people hiding in the tavern. They have barricaded themselves inside." She reported. She had long purple hair with crystal blue eyes. She had very little armor but had huge black wings coming out of her back. The size and color of her wings allowed to me to indicate who she was instantly. Queen Shyvia, the queen of the succubi.

I've always used my succubi as infiltrators of forts and cities thanks to their ability to capture the hearts of men, and Shyvia captured mine long ago. But then again so have the other queens of the different tribes. "Very well, smoke the place out. If they don't want to leave then they can burn down with the bar."

She nodded her head and signaled her elite guards to carry out my order. The streets were filled with my soldiers. Trolls, skeletons, succubi, wraiths, banshees, and Raxxner, my personal dragonmorph, and queen of the dragons. Many of the buildings were burning and supplies and bodies littered the roads. The forge at the local blacksmith was destroyed as well as the local shrine to the four elementals. The keep was all that remained. The doors were sealed shut, even with two trolls they were hard to bust down.

Then a young looking girl jumped onto my back. "How about I burn the place down master!?" She said cheerfully.

"You know we can't do that Raxxner, there's a very important item we must acquire. Not to mention all the important books and intel we could find in their library and war room." I replied, causing her to pout.

"Fine." She said backing up and turning into her dragon form. Dragonmorphs are a very special kind of dragon. One that can transform into a human form and dragon form at will. Raxxner just so happens to be one of these rare breeds of dragons. "I'll go make sure no reinforcements show up." She said telepathically. Another thing about Dragonmorphs, they can't speak. They can only communicate telepathically to those they deem worthy.

"Be sure to take some soldiers with you, I wouldn't want you to get hurt." I said as she started to fly off. She always was the kind of girl to believe she could do everything on her own. And even though she's a dragon, she's a small dragon. She's only 18 meters in length and her blackish hide isn't very resistant to fire yet.

I watched her set off until I heard the large crash of the keep's doors go falling down. I turned to watch my horde of minions swarm the keep. The soldiers on the inside stood no chance with all the skeletons and trolls cutting them down. I made my way through the worthless battle. There was hardly any soldiers here to worry about. Maybe for every soldier there were three skeletons. I went to the top floor of the keep, into the private chambers of the duke. There I saw it. The "heirloom" I was sent in to retrieve. The "family treasure" the harpies told me to get out of here. It was a girl, chained to the wall of the room. Her bird-like legs and her red feathered wings were constricting her to the point where she could barely move.

"Are you alright?" I asked her.

"Wh-who are you?" She muttered.

"My name's Espion, I've come to get you out of here. Don't worry, your nest is looking forward to having you home." I said to which she chuckled.

"You really don't know who I am, do you?" I sat quietly for a moment, unsure as to how to answer the question. "My name is Lylia, Queen of the red feathered clan."

My eyes shot open with some shock and excitement. "You're the queen of the harpies? Why haven't they tried to rescue you sooner then?"

"Trust me they have. But they failed every time. Those who are still alive are trapped in the dungeon down bellow."

Anger started to build up inside me. How could the humans do this? What have the harpies ever done to them? All people do is hunt the harpies and take their eggs for food. I can't stand this horrible slaughter. Why can't they be treated a equals?

I pulled up my hood and pulled my mace off of my belt. It was a fine quality mace made from void metals, the strongest metal man has turned into a weapon. Well only one man made void weapon existed but it's been lost for a long time by now. The rest of these weapons were made by my minions and my predecessor's. I raised the mace high above my head and smacked down on the chains, shattering them completely. Lylia rose to her feet, well talons, and wrapped her wings around me and began to cry. "It was so horrible. They've tortured me, trying to make me tell them where the rest of my nests were. I've been here for three months, who knows what could have happened if you didn't come save me."

I wrapped my arms tightly around her very thin body. She felt like she was nothing but bone. Guess they must of been starving her as well. They sicken me. "Don't worry. I'll make sure they pay. Let's go rescue your people from the dungeons." I said as I lifted her in my arms. She snuggled into my chest and closed her eyes and smiled. Probably for the first time in a long time. I made my way to the throne room where bodies were scattered and my horde awaited my next order. "Go free the prisoners downstairs. And make sure everyone knows we've won today." I shouted as everyone cheered. This battle has been fought and won successfully. And we even made a new friendship with one of the harpy tribes.

I made my way over to the balcony and looked towards the queen's nest. It was only a three kilometer walk from here, in the mountain closest to the city, we could easily make it there first thing in the morning. I felt Lylia tug on my robe, causing me to look into her red eyes. She pointed out towards her home. "I know Lyl." I said. "You'll be home by tomorrow noon. For now we should catch some sleep." She snuggled into my chest some more and quickly went back to sleep. I watched over her for a little while but soon I couldn't help but join her. It was going to be a long couple of days coming up. It's best to get sleep when I can. So I fell into a deep slumber, with my latest queen.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Sun Aug 30, 2015 10:38 pm

Hey there! I quite like this start to a novel. Being a lover of fantasy, I think it's great that you've decided to portray the demons/monsters as the protagonists. It gives you a lot of cool opportunities to do stuff.

I want to know more about the humans - have they always been oppressing demonkind and magical creatures in general? Does the story take place in the real world (a la Harry Potter), or is it a completely different one?

Unfortunately, I don't have much time, so I'll just mention some formatting issues and some confusion I had.

First off, for some reason every one of your paragraphs has extra space between it. You should probably get rid of that, since it makes the chapter look unprofessional.

Also, every time you start a knew line of dialogue, you should make a new paragraph. You do that most of the time, but you miss it in a couple instances that I'll just point out for you and show you where to split.

I pulled up my hood and pulled my mace off of my belt. It was a fine quality mace made from void metals, the strongest metal man has turned into a weapon. Well only one man made void weapon existed but it's been lost for a long time by now. The rest of these weapons were made by my minions and my predecessor's. I raised the mace high above my head and smacked down on the chains, shattering them completely.

Lylia rose to her feet, well talons, and wrapped her wings around me and began to cry. "It was so horrible. They've tortured me, trying to make me tell them where the rest of my nests were. I've been here for three months, who knows what could have happened if you didn't come save me."


I wrapped my arms tightly around her very thin body. She felt like she was nothing but bone. Guess they must of been starving her as well. They sicken me.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure they pay. Let's go rescue your people from the dungeons." I said as I lifted her in my arms. She snuggled into my chest and closed her eyes and smiled. Probably for the first time in a long time. I made my way to the throne room where bodies were scattered and my horde awaited my next order.

"Go free the prisoners downstairs. And make sure everyone knows we've won today." I shouted as everyone cheered. This battle has been fought and won successfully. And we even made a new friendship with one of the harpy tribes.


I made my way over to the balcony and looked towards the queen's nest. It was only a three kilometer walk from here, in the mountain closest to the city, we could easily make it there first thing in the morning. I felt Lylia tug on my robe, causing me to look into her red eyes. She pointed out towards her home.

"I know Lyl." I said. "You'll be home by tomorrow noon. should be "noon tomorrow" For now we should catch some sleep." She snuggled into my chest some more and quickly went back to sleep. I watched over her for a little while but soon I couldn't help but join her. It was going to be a long couple of days coming up. It's best to get sleep when I can. So I fell into a deep slumber, with my latest queen.


One last thing:
Another thing about Dragonmorphs, they can't speak. They can only communicate telepathically to those they deem worthy.

This came as a bit of a shock. You probably should have mentioned it back when she first started talking to the main character. Also, often, dialogue that's said through telepathy is in italics. I'd recommend doing that so we know it's telepathy.

Also, what's the point of her being able to change into human shape if she can't talk? She wouldn't be able to interact with humans at all without giving herself away. It seems like a waste of a spying opportunity. Maybe you could make it so she can talk, but only in human form.

Honestly, I don't have much more to say here. This was very engaging and rather well-written. If you post another chapter, let me know. Good luck!

User avatar
Desdemona
Review

Hello, Hello~
BlackCat here to review you.

First of all. WOW.
Love the idea behind this story. I want more chapters from you.

However, there's a small lack of fluidity here.

"I Looked towards the now burning city. The residents thought their walls could protect them. They were wrong. They made the mistake in thinking the demon tribes had split permanently. They made the mistake in underestimating me. Now they've paid the price."

Here, you did excellent. A million questions popped up in my head. I WANTED to read on to figure out more.

What city?
Who did you attack?
What are demon tribes?
WHO ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?

However, my expectations weren't met the following paragraph.

"I walked over towards the city gates and was approached by a succubus. "We have found some people hiding in the tavern. They have barricaded themselves inside." She reported. She had long purple hair with crystal blue eyes. She had very little armor but had huge black wings coming out of her back. The size and color of her wings allowed to me to indicate who she was instantly. Queen Shyvia, the queen of the succubi."

Description of things is very, VERY important in a fantasy tale like your own.

What were the city gates like? Tall? Ablaze? Wood? Remember, the whole city is on fire. You need to add some spice.

How about;

"I walked slowly towards the oaken city gates which were partly ablaze, smirking softly at how it contrasted with the hints of the once blue sky, now hidden in the wisps of the black smoke rising up from the dying city, as I hummed happily along to the orchestra of death echoing in my ears."

You see? You need to describe things, even the little things like the sky and the door material. The readers want to feel as if they are INSIDE the story,

Same with your description of the succubus queen
Original succubi usually look like monsters. The imagery you set were inadequate.

Try to describe her better. Grab the reader's attention. She might have gigantic breasts, or a skimpy outfit.

Yeh yeh, description blah blah blah. Go over your story and read as a third person, thinking in detail about what you've written. I'll move on before annoying you.

Your main character confused me a little. His character is so dodgy!
One minute he's flirty
Then aggressive
Then cautious and aaaaaaaaaaargh

Stick to one form of character. The general vibe I got from him was a cool, destructive playa type.

Also; Character development is important. Try not to rush into things, let feelings simmer before you let them out.

You remind me of a mini me from two years ago. Fix these minor issues and you'll become great! I love love love this genre of story. I'M ADDING YOU TO MY FOLLOW LIST, SO KEEP WRITING PLEASE <3

Also PM me if you have any questions.

Love,
~Blackie.

Thanks a lot for these tips. I'll get onto fixing these things :)



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