Orion:The Conqueror (Part 2 Comments encouraged)

Thank you Rubric for commenting on my last work. Anyway please comment and enjoy!

Orion thought fast. He didn’t have a weapon, he didn’t have repellent. What should he do? Then Livie said, “O-Ron, he have frens.” Orion didn’t need to know what fren meant. Walking up behind the rat was an army of large rats. “Greetings LowerWorlders,” the giant rat said. “Hi Guy!” Livie replied.

Moments later another rat appeared from behind the larger one. He whispered into the larger rat’s ear. The large rat laughed. His laugh was like the sound he heard in his dreams! This rat was going to kill him! He turned to run, but was confronted by other large rats. He turned around and the rat was smirking. “Lucky for you we’re Bounty Hunters, not mercenaries.”

“Yeah thats right!” A rat that was not as large as the one who spoke stepped forward. “Or else I would eat yo...” The rat made a gurgling sound. The large rat had its paw around the smaller one’s neck. Livie clapped. “You gurgo like O-Ron!” she exclaimed. She was right. He made the same sound when he gurgled water. The large rat released him and the rat fell to the ground with a thud, gasping for air. “Tell Horned we have visitors.”

The large rat stared down at them. “Hello, I am Gnash.” “Y...y...you’re a...a r...r...rat.” “Yes, I am a rat.” Gnash sighed. “Tell me when did you notice this?” “Rig...ri...right n...now.” Orion stammered. Rats in the crowd laughed loudly. Yet Gnash’s laugh was loudest. “Ooh, thats what they all say!” Then they all really burst into laughter. Orion didn’t see what everyone was laughing about. Yet Livie was very amused. “Hee hee! Funny O-Ron!” “O-Ron? Sounds like Moron!” One of the rats said and burst into laughter yet again.

“You are to go to the land of Stara soon.” The large rat said now alert. “Stara is the city of Destroyers, or Humans to you. Stara means safe and guarded in what you call Swahili.” Orion sighed with relief. He was going to see humans! He was led away. After 45 minutes they arrived at a makeshift camp. Orion was tuckered out but he felt he had to stay awake. Fighting back sleep he pressed on. His eyes closed and he fell asleep. When he woke up a girl was leaning over him. He was about her age but she had some type of importance about her.

“He is awake.” Her voice was soft at times but sometimes harsh. In a .....voice she said. “Hello UnderWorlder. I am Princess Lore.” A Falcon appeared at her side and spoke. “I am Flight her Binder and friend.” A Princess with a falcon! This was all crazy! That silly story couldn’t be real! With that Orion Fainted. In his dreams Gnash was leading a war against humans. A figure clad in green strode up to him.

“When battle begins, A war is lost, hope has disappeared, and the Princess has gone, take up my sword and defend your loved ones near, Do you hear?” He faded into the blackness. “Wait! Sir, what does that mean?” Yet he had left and his dreams returned to the beast. He noticed something. Gnash and the beast looked the same, sounded the same, but were not the same!

The monster turned... Livie was patting his shoulder. “I help you have no bad dreams.” She said. Orion looked around for someone to explain this. He looked around. A knowledgeable looking man was backing out of the door way. “Sir,” “I have no doubt that you want an explanation.” Said the man. My name is Warrick.” He chuckled. “My wife is against my name having the word war in it.” His expressions changed “But we still love each other though.”

He said the words gingerly, like they were too fragile to be spoken. “How foolish of me,” he said. “You must want an explanation. Don’t worry, we’ll discus it all at the conference table.” He smiled. “Meanwhile you might want to explore rest or what ever you want.” He left the room. Orion checked his surroundings. He was in what looked like a hospital ward. He needed to find Grace! It was crazy how he never lost his original purpose.

“Wait!” though Orion. “Where’s Hope? He sat up. She was lying in a bed next to him. Orion sighed of relief. Whew! She was here. He looked around. Where was Livie? If he knew Livie well he could guess she would be with the babies. He heard unearthly wails. Orion headed down in that direction. On the walls were beautiful tapestries covered in landscapes and people. Orion paused. One wall had a poem on it.

“When the hunter comes to you, guide to the path strait and true, for onward he will march, until he meets the sacred arch...” There was more but Orion couldn’t make head or tail of it. He walked back to the wails. There was Livie with what looked like small chickens and badgers. He slowly walked over. “Hi O-Ron!” She said excitedly. “I help much!” “Good!” Orion answered. He scanned the room for some older person. He found none. Just then, a type of nanny walking in.

“Goodness! Hello!” Orion waved. “This must be your sister!” “Yes, could you tell us how long we have been here?” “3 months in earth days.” “Whaaat!” The nanny cringed. “Sorry, but could we take a bath?” Grace had always said personal hygiene was important. “Let me explain some background info while we walk there.” The nanny said. “Cranage is a land in between your earth and Cranages AGL. AGL means Above Ground Level.” The nanny explained.

So he was under ground. Orion Marveled how that didn’t disturb him. They slowly walked into an area with tons of baths. It was like large swimming pools for each family. They were sent to a private area to change then met up in the pool. Orion was glad for the pool. Whenever Hope got in a pool she would soak it in and relax. She looked better that way then otherwise. The nanny went away, just reminding them that they had to be out in 30 minutes. They soaked it all in until Livie found some soap. She had a habit of eating soap so Orion had the hard task of taking it away from her. “Come on!”

Orion said. Orion scrubbed his body then gave it to Hope. They were all wearing some type of water proof skin tight suits. “Maybe we should take separate baths.” Orion decided. “OK” Hope answered. They all got out of the large pool and went into personal baths. Orion lathered himself, washed off, and got into new clothes. The clothes were strange, He hoped Hope did well with Livie. Orion walked to the Conference room. Bickering and Arguing echoed from each door. Orion sighed, pushed open the door and gasped.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Lethero
Review
Lethero wrote a review · Fri Nov 27, 2009 4:09 pm

Orion thought fast. He didn’t have a weapon, he didn’t have repellent. What should he do? Then Livie said, “O-Ron, he have frens.” Orion didn’t need to know what fren meant. Walking up behind the rat was an army of large rats. “Greetings LowerWorlders,” the giant rat said. “Hi Guy!” Livie replied.

Moments later another rat appeared from behind the larger one. He whispered into the larger rat’s ear. The large rat laughed. His laugh was like the sound he heard in his dreams! This rat was going to kill him! He turned to run, but was confronted by other large rats. He turned around and the rat was smirking. “Lucky for you we’re Bounty Hunters, not mercenaries.”


I know this is a part two, but these first two paragraphs are confusing. I read through them twice and was still confused.

“Yeah, thats right!”


“Yeah thats right!” A rat that was not as large as the one who spoke stepped forward. “Or else I would eat yo...” The rat made a gurgling sound. The large rat had its paw around the smaller one’s neck. Livie clapped. “You gurgo like O-Ron!” she exclaimed. She was right. He made the same sound when he gurgled water. The large rat released him and the rat fell to the ground with a thud, gasping for air. “Tell Horned we have visitors.”


I'm guessing the areas I italicized are all different people (or rats) speaking. If so, they belong to a paragraph of their own. If you are using different speakers always use a separate them with paragraph, otherwise it'll confuse the reader.

“Hello, I am Gnash.” “Y...y...you’re a...a r...r...rat.” “Yes, I am a rat.” Gnash sighed. “Tell me when did you notice this?” “Rig...ri...right n...now.”


What's with the unneeded quotation marks. Unless you are having something between each sentence you only need to have the two outside quotation marks.

“You are to go to the land of Stara soon,the large rat said, now alert.


He was led away. After 45 minutes they arrived at a makeshift camp.


What happened between the time he was led away and the 45 minuted later. Also write out the 45 and if you need help spelling it out it's forty-five.

Orion was tuckered out but he felt he had to stay awake.


Tuckered? Who uses that anymore? Try using tired or something along those lines.

He was about her age but she had some type of importance about her.


I though we were talking about the girl, not Orion. Try: She was about his age, but . . .
That would be better. Also, what gave her the air of importance. Her clothing? Her looks, What?

“He is awake.” Her voice was soft at times but sometimes harsh.


How would you know she had a soft, but sometimes harsh voice when we have only heard her say 3 words. Have to think these things through.

With that Orion Fainted. In his dreams Gnash was leading a war against humans. A figure clad in green strode up to him.


How did all that before this caused him to faint? I don't think strange information is strong enough to make someone faint. Also, when you faint you don't dream. When you faint it's like everything goes black and then you wake up hours later, like no time has passed.

The rest of your story is pretty much the same grammatical errors over and over. I understand that you are only ten and have about up to a fifth grade English grammar skills, but you still need to read your stories through and check them for the grammar error you can't find. Also, maybe find a grammar check book that teaches you the proper use of grammar. The story is a little bit confusing and hard to follow, but then again I did not read part one. Don't beat yourself over this though, everyone starts off with bad grammar, and with a lot of practice writing your grammar can only improve. If you ever need help with a story just contact me. I am usually located in the chat, but if I am not there just PM me.

Signed,
Lethero, The Werewolf

User avatar
*coco
Review
*coco wrote a review · Wed Nov 25, 2009 5:05 pm

Hi, hope you'll find this comment useful!
I think you need to work on your dialogue and present it in a different way because right now you're kind of cluttering them all in paragraphs making it feel a bit strange reading it. Try separating each character's speech so we know who's speaking and also, instead of sticking to things like "said", add some personality to the characters by adding things like "he said, nervously looking around", it just makes the conversation more interesting to read.
Anyway, again, I hope you find this comment useful, keep going with this, best of luck!
*coco



For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle