Move ing somewhere else, my story was coupled with someone else's for reasons I don't know.
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Pretty good. A couple things, but first off, something that REALLY bugs me: spacing!
"So, Jacob, I heard you went to the Alps during the summer?" I looked up from my iPod to see Mallory in front of me. A flash of annoyance ran through my system, but I quickly erased it before it could show on my face.
Well, first off, look at your story. Then look at this. Which is easier on the eyes, and, possibly, easier to read?
Spoiler
"Yeah, it was nice. What did you do?" I carried on the typical 'polite conversation', adverting the attention from me to her.
Immediately she seemed to explode with overly-dramatic tales of 5 hour shopping trips, sun bathing at the beach, and how she went 400 minutes over her texting limit. "fascinating..." I muttered loosing interest the very second she opened her mouth, but half trying to remain polite.
Luckily, I wasn't 'graced' with Mallory's attention for long, her 'girlfriend' Stephanie dragged her to another table to catch up; though I doubt they've been apart for longer than 2 days. I sighed; it's my first day back in high school and she's already attached to me. I was hoping that a full summer away from her would obliterate whatever 'feelings' she stills harbors for me. I had not called her the entire summer (though she had called my phone over 15 times; I ignored each one), didn't give her the address of the cabin I was staying in, didn't talk to her at all, and she still is trying to get back with me.
Yes, I had, once, dated Mallory Finch; and regretted it ever since. I hadn't known then that one date would mean a life time of annoyance and persistence on her part. I'm sure I've made it plain that I'm not interested in her, at all, but either her dyed blond hair is starting to affect her brain, or she just refuses to admit that I'm not interested. Whatever the case, I'm sure that my Junior year is going to be filled with me trying to avoid her at all costs, and probably failing.
I began to notice more noise in the cafeteria and saw the rest of the school stumbling in. My eyes wandered and caught on my friends from last year; I waved them over to the table I occupied.
"Early as ever Jacob. Haven't you ever heard of sleeping in?" Kayla Isom took a seat next to me, dropping her seventy pound book back on the floor. I swear I heard the concrete crack. Kayla Isom: Brainiac with attitude. Long, straight dark brown hair, brown eyes.
"And haven't you ever heard of traveling light?" Kayla scowled as Cody Smith took the seat opposite her. Cody Smith: Football Jock with a surprisingly nice attitude. Dirty blonde hair, brown eyes.
"it doesn't hurt to bring some things for entertainment," She replied, turning up her nose at him and flicked her long brown hair behind her.
"Then explain why you've been going to the chiropractor for the past 3 months?" He chuckled, "And I bet there's not a single book in there that doesn't have the words Science, History, English, or Geography on it." he added. Kayla turned a very light shade of pink and kept quiet.
"You guys still going at it?" Another seat was taken by Taylor Down. She immediately dropped her bag and placed her feet on the table. Taylor Down: Long light brown hair, hazel eyes. Goth and punk. She can't decide.
"Of course they are, they're Cody and Kayla," And last but not least, Joshua Tevers: Prankster times 3. Blond hair (probably the only person in this entire school with natural blond hair), gray/blue eyes. In a relationship with Taylor, though she doesn't know it yet.
"Looks like the entire group's here, no one died over the summer." Kayla said, forgetting about Cody's jibe. Everyone started talking about what they did over the summer, swapping stories they heard, things they saw.
Yes, it takes up more space, but it DEFINETLY helps in the end!
Second, I noticied some spelling and grammer issues throughout. Just do a quick run through and you should catch a lot of it.
Third, when you have short numbers (3; 400), type them out all the way (three; four hundred). If you have a huge number (1,986,003,204), then go ahead and keep it like that.
Finally, introducing your characters gets really repetitive and seems like a cheap way out. Rather than use colons repeatedly, flesh out the paragraph with a lot of description about the character. Height, how they walk/act, etc. helps the reader picture the character in their mind.
All in all, pretty good stuff. Keep at it!
- G