Is it fine, if I'm not what society thinks of me? Is it okay, if I'm that person full of honesty? I'm that person that people take advantage of, but why does it seem like it isn't hurting me. They say my kindness, is also my weakness, they say I need to stand up for myself and not be stepped all over. But, aren't the doing the same thing by pressuring me? I know when I'm being taken advantage of but as long as I'm able to help when I can and be there when I'm needed I'm fine with being 'that person' who would do anything you ask. I'm fine with that I also have been but without noticing I became less of a person. I became a favor person not a favorite person, my friends ,well I didn't have any, I had people I could listen to but that's all there is to do. I would hold an emotional conversation with them but the next day I was invisible to them. I felt like I was born to help others... So why was I the one who needed the most help? It didn't matter before if I cried all alone. What is because you tinted my eyes? I can't see anything the same anymore I'm more hesitant to follow their words. I'm more careful about the favors I do, is this all because of you? I was always alone basking in darkness that I myself created, I followed any light no matter what the price was. Realizing I wasn't the only one, I felt happy. It was a cruel kind of happy, I thought it was because you were also kind but i soon realized it was all a lie. I was happy because my suffering wasn't alone, slowly it made me angry to see how they were mistreating your kindness, I understood then why my friends left me unguided, too angry to see what I myself was turning to be nevertheless they tried helping me but I was selfishly trying to help them instead, maybe that's what broke their fuses and made them left, and now I just want to take you by the hand and shake the sense that your presence shook into me. I don't think is fair how they leave you behind, how you seem to pick right after them like your their parent, is stupid how you let them call you all sort of names when you never give them any less respect, is annoying to see you being just like me, but I have to practice what I preach.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello...
i kinda noticed that you kinda refer to yourself a lot but i think that this story really relates to everybody.
While I was reading this, an image of my friend in your exact situation came to mind.
I think now I can better see it from his point of view now, and I thinks that's really cool especially me being the person who does it to him...
Thanks for this story..
Hi, jblog. Welcome to YWS!
In both of those sentences, the commas aren't needed, so you should get rid of them. They're odd and put a break in a sentence where it isn't needed, so it disrupts the flow.
Same here.
I think you mean "they."
You can't necessarily "bask" in darkness because the definition of basking is to be exposed to light and warmth. So this doesn't really work.
Okay, so two nitpicks:
1. One big lengthy paragraph is very hard to critique. It's intimidating and overwhelming. Consider breaking this up into paragraphs.
2. You've got quite a lot of run on sentences. Read this article, understand what is and isn't a run on sentence, then go through and fix all of them.
Other than that, this was nice, albeit confusing at moments. I wasn't entirely sure where you were going with this until it reached towards the end. And while your message isn't entirely clear, I still feel a bit of relation to this story. It felt more like a narrative, because of the emotion put into this tells me it's probably personal and from your experience. You made this something people could relate to, which I did. Thank you for sharing.
Hi there, Jblog
So I enjoyed reading this, especially because it was so relatable to me; I'm that same kind of person who will do anything and everything to help someone else and I'm always going out on a limb for others. It can be hard and I think you were able to portray the downsides of this personality aspect in a very real way.
Anyways, on to the critiquing. I won't bother with the tiny nitpicks, because I'm going to assume this is a rough draft and you will go over it later. In general, however, be careful to use the correct punctuation and to eliminate run on sentences. I've found it to be helpful to re-read what I've written once I've finished -- out loud. It helps you notice any grammar errors and makes sure that what you've written actually makes sense to someone else, not just yourself.
Okay, second thing. If this is a story, it was hard to tell. I felt like I was reading an essay, rather than a story; if an essay is what you were shooting for, that's fine, but if not you may want to try to switch it up a little and add some story elements because right now it's very essay-like.
Also, you could definitely benefit from separating some of these thoughts. Right now you just have one giant chunk of a paragraph and you have a lot of varying thoughts in there, so don't be afraid to separate it a little. Variation keeps the reader wanting to read.
Basically, I would really work on grammar and on making this sound like less of an essay. Interesting topic, though.
xoxo Crookshanks