z

Young Writers Society


12+

Generation Escapees - Prologue

by JazzElectrobass


  I had finally gotten it. I finally have the package I was waiting for, it only took 2 months to get it. I walked around the table as quickly as I dared while taking a sip of tea, and sat down in front of my computer. I grabbed my knife out of the drawer and eagerly sliced open the box.

Inside was a device. The outside was made of wood, probably a conifer of some kind. If I was correct about this, it contained a copy of the recordings that they had taken. Beneath it was a piece of paper, probably the instructions. As for how they got paper, I assume they travel out of their little society on occasion.

  Finding these kids- who are now all grown up- was the most challenging thing that I have ever done in my entire life. The time it took for me to get enough information on them made the 2 month wait seem like nothing. I was only able to stay for a day when I found them. Everyone there had been so curious, and I was apparently the second outsider to ever visit their village. But this isn't the story of how I got a story, this is about their story. Once I got everything set up, I sat back with a notebook, and started the first video.

  It was very staticky for the first 5 minutes, long enough for me to start questioning whether I'd be able to get anything off of the footage or if it was all damaged. It cleared up suddenly, and I could discern voices. The first thing I saw, was not at all what I expected. There was a large Caucasian nose taking up the screen. As the person pulled back I could see it was a boy. He had a sharp-featured face with a mischievous grin, one that would make you hold onto your possessions in fear of getting robbed. He had bright blue eyes, palish skin, and short blonde hair that was unkempt. He turned his head, and gave someone who was behind him a thumbs up. "It's working!"

  "Finally." Someone said, by the sound of it, it was an exasperated girl. What happened next was odd. I don't quite know how to put this in words, but within a second he became a blur, and reappeared on the other side of the table in the room. Now that he wasn't taking up the screen, I could see inside the room. The building was made entirely from wood, and I was quite impressed that kids were able to build something so well; I couldn't see any light seeping in through cracks, they were perfectly set like the Inca structures.

  The most noticeable person in the room was the girl. Everything about her was colorful. Her hair, her clothes, even her eyebrows were a multitude of colors. She also wore tactical armor, while everyone else wore normal clothes.

  "Thank you Hermes." The kid at the head of the table nodded, sitting up. He wore a golden colored circlet, which complimented his dark skin. Out of all the kids in the room he seemed to be the one in charge.

  "Not a problem. So, about starting the story, how about we start it with 'Once Upon a Time'?" The blonde kid- Hermes- asked. I now recognized his accent, it was German. Considering that, he was kind of short. I once had a German exchange student who was much taller than me, and she was short for her ethnicity. Everyone showed disapproval of that idea, whether it was a groan, saying no, or looking up at the ceiling. I laughed, before quickly smothering it so I could pay attention to what was said next.

  "History has never started like a fairy tale, and it won't now!" The red-head huffed tartly. He dressed like an adult, but was clearly one of the youngest along with Hermes.

  "For once I think I actually agree with Doc." The girl put her feet up on the table and leaned backwards. The one kid wearing the circlet rested his forehead on the table, audibly groaning, but was ignored.

  "Don't call me Doc." The redhead warned. One of the youngest kids and he was a doctor?! That amazed me, as even when I was in high school I despised anything to do with Health class.

  "Whatever Doc. Where are the others anyways?" The girl pulled out her knife, and started cutting at the edge of the table.

  The door slammed open, and someone outside yelled. "I HAVE ARRIVED."

  "Took you long enough! What's up?" Hermes grinned, sitting forward in his chair as another kid walked in. When the door closed I could see he had a sort of reddish brown hair, and he also had a circlet, this one was silver and gold. I assumed he was a second-in-command, which must mean there was a good chance there'd be one more, the final person in command, probably the third-in-command. He had a good amount of muscle on him, but other than that he kind of reminded me of Marty McFly.

  "Long story. How's the progress on the story of my tragic love life?" The kid asked as he pulled up a chair, sat on it backwards and rested his arms on it.

  "So far, nothing but ridiculous statements." Winston groaned. "When is she getting here?"

  "Any minute. Our illustrious leader is helping Gary get his arm out from the force field contraption."    The kid replied. So, the other guy wasn't the leader?

  "Oh my God, his vocabulary has grown." The girl dramatically gaped at him as the door opened, and a girl with an electric guitar strapped to her back walked in. I remember seeing that in one of the buildings! I thought it was rather nice looking, but not the kind I'd own myself. She wore a silver circlet, which confused me even more, but it made sense in a way. Gold went well with brown skin, and the silver stood out from the girl's dark hair. The video turned back to static, and without realizing that it had, they continued to talk, only tidbits such as laughter or yelling came through.


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28 Reviews


Points: 15
Reviews: 28

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Tue Feb 06, 2024 1:51 am
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KocoCoko wrote a review...



Hiya! This is Koco (or Coko) here for a little informal review! Basically, I'm just here to talk about my first thoughts and the general vibe of the story/poem/chapter. So... let's get to it!

First of all: Superpowers? Magic? Color me intrigued! I love the ideas presented in just the first few paragraphs. Somebody trying to track down an entire village of escaped/runaway children is incredibly interesting and I'm already dying to know more!

I like the chemistry the kids on the video have. The best way I can out it is: they feel like kids. Don't worry, that's a good thing! Each of them have a distinct personality and look, and it makes watching them interact very entertaining.

Your writing style is also very good! It flows extremely well and is very clear and concise. It made this a really fun read-through.

Overall: I'm excited to see where this leads! This looks like it's going to be very interesting, so I can't wait for what comes next.

This has been Coko (or Koco), have a lovely day/night!






Thank you!!!



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Points: 385
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Sat Feb 03, 2024 4:50 am
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Dirt wrote a review...



(This is the first review I've written, so keep that in mind [and sorry if the codes don't work])

FIRST THOUGHTS
This sounds like an interesting story- and the writing is strong. The first paragraph hooked me, and the rest of the prologue kept my attention. I feel that this chapter has a good amount of mystery, considering it's a prologue, but also enough information to give you an idea of what the conflict or story may be. This is a well-done chapter, but I have a few points of...

MINOR ADVICE
1. Like I said, the first paragraph hooks you. But I feel like the first sentence could be a little more attention grabbing. Maybe something like; "It was finally here...", which, if you continue the sentence or not, can make the readers more interested by how abrupt it is.
2. I also feel that the last sentence could end differently or be rephrased for a small sense of finality in the chapter. (Ex. "With them being clueless to the quality of video, you could still hear yelling and laughter in the background until the noise began to be overpowered by the static.")

VERY MINOR ADVICE (Some may be writers choice)
1.When describing Hermes's accent, I would try to cut down on using the word "German" so it's less repetitive. (Ex. "I recognized his accent- German. Considering that, he was surprisingly short; I knew a German who was easily taller than me and many other kids in my class, and she was still short for her ethnicity.") If the German he used to know is relevant later on in the story, then keep the part about her being an exchange student.
2. When also describing Hermes's appearance, I would just go straight to "He had German characteristics( ,and a mischievous grin on his sharp featured-face that...)" and later clarify his blond hair and blue eyes.

MY FAVORITE PARTS
1. I really like this line: "Finding these kids- who are now all grown up- was probably the most challenging thing in my life that I've ever done." A dramatic, strong, and emotional statement.
2. You introduce most physical characteristics naturally, which doesn't break the steadiness of reading by making it sound like a list and reminding the reader that this isn't happening. Instead, the reading is smoother.
3. So far the characters have a lot of personality, and I love that it isn't as stale as a lot of prologues. It's sort of refreshing with the emotions and atmosphere you put into the beginning of this story.

CONCLUSION
As a reader, I feel happy, satisfied, and eager to read more! I'll try to read the next chapters if you decide to post them on here. Good job so far!






I am ecstatic that you enjoyed reading this prologue! I loved your feedback, and your suggestions improved it ten-fold.




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