the dirtiest grey
anxiousness
like rubber but crawling
screeching your name
a melancholy taste
paranoia
the blues the blues
whispering but hostile
locked and not sheltered
a murky deranged white of the eye
replacing the trees
a buzzing a buzzing
stifling air
closing doors
a tapping
and the bleakest of greys
---
Don't panic - lack of punctuation and capitals is deliberate. Written roughly a year ago.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Effective use of very few words. The tone and message are clear and interesting. You really get the feeling behind it. I agree that a bit of background might be nice, but I get it. =]
Also, are you familiar with the poet Ellen Hopkins? I think you'd appreciate her. I suggest buying her book "Crank" or "Burned".
Hi! First of all, I really like this. I think that the title could be a lot more creative - maybe a small reference to the situation that inspired you to write this. The emotions would be a lot more effective if they were applied to something in particular. Your lack of punctuation suits this poem but I think you should add some commas just for clarity's sake. Overall, though, you really get your point across in as few words as possible. Great job!
-Liz
Hi Jaz! I'm Spork and I'll review this today.
Okay, some people may complain about the fragmented lines, but I really liked them. They conveyed that uneasy tone...and the word choice (melancholy/paranoia/hostile) only enhanced it. The flow was great, I was drawn to the poem and it read quite easily. I'm trying to think of something to nitpick---but I can't come up with anything actually that needs to be changed. I will suggest though, perhaps grouping your lines into stanzas, and maybe having the really connotative words by themselves. That's your call though, as this format works well too.
I really liked this.
--Sporks