I sit on my own in the shadows,
listening to the war of which He endowed.
I can hear the sounds of my friends screaming
the very sound that can get my tears streaming
down my face, and He knows I could run, I could flee.
However these monsters are after me.
It shouldn't be that these brave warriors would die for me,
but it is what they want, and makes them feel great to be
my military, as much as I despise the sound
of innocent bodies hitting the ground.
I raise my right hand, and behind me a fire begins
and I know this must all end.
I continue to sit, and I do not even move,
as three adversaries come streaming through.
They were grotesque as sin, with skin of green
with each carrying twin blades and all three were lean
as twigs, and their breath smelled
as though Death was dealt
an equal fate with all he has taken
all three of these were demons if I was not mistaken.
"We have come for your head, as it has a high price,
turn yourself in and we just may play nice"
The larger had spoke aloud, grinning in pride,
that he believes he has the Master's hide.
"You have done quite well, to come this far
your fate must truly be written in the stars
For I have known you would come, I knew yu would make
your way to meet me but you made one mistake.
You killed my friends, and attacked my land.
Now you three will pay and
die for your sins against me and all
of which because of you had to fall."
The second one moved in with his blades and he crossed them
Placing them upon my neck, but I stayed zen.
"You will die one way or take the other,
so come with us and we may let your brothers
live another day.
Otherwise it will be you to pay."
I stood where I was and turned on my heels
Then the third one with skin of teal
barked at me, don't make this hard
for your victory is not written in the cards."
Over the fire sat a large pot
of which contained tea that was quite hot.
I dipped in my cup, and retrieved a bit
for I need a drink before I find a way to quit
this silliness, it was almost time
for this battle to turn on a dime.
I drank some of my tea,
before these monsters see the true side of me.
"Your time is up," the larger had said,
"You must come now or you shall be left dead."
I tossed my cup to the far wall
and let out a blood-curdling call.
The fire from below the pot began to explode
for I was prepared to enter my battle mode.
The fire roared up and began to twist and turn,
something that could make any stomach churn.
They tried to come forward but I was too fast
my power leaped forward, and torched them to ash.
Their debt had been payed, but their friends would come back
for creatures like that
can never be satisfied until their boss is happy but just for kicks
they always want to see how they fair against Master Phoenix.
This is an amazing poem and i loved the conflict between the demons and the hero. With this poem you can turn it into a really good novel and anything else you see fit to create. I love the description of the demons that was beautifully done. I hope to see more work like this so keep up the great work.
Hey JayShay!
~ Typo, you.Welcome to the site! I hope you'll find YWS helpful and enjoyable.
I came here to see if I could help you, but, from my end at least, the comments are visible. Is the problem resolved, then? If not, let me know, and I'll find the proper moderator to complain to.
But, of course, I couldn't leave a page without looking at your work, and giving a review.
I'm not very good at poetry, but I did really enjoy this one. You might seperate it into stanzas, to make it easier to read- but that's just my personal opinion.
I only saw one error:
It was a really good.
Keep Writing!
Feel free to PM me if you need any more help.
~Shady
Hi there, Jay! Scarlett here to review your poem. If I'm a little odd (well, odder than usual), it's cause I just wrote 50,000 words in 26 days... So, kind of ignore the weirdness. I feel exhausted, but I'ma review before I sleep. Oddly enough , it sounds relaxing. lol
Anyhow, on with the review... First off; stanzas are important. They separate the poem into smaller chunks--or verses, if you will--not only to make it easier to read, but easier on the eyes. Huge chunks of text hurt the eyes. Remember that! Stanzas = good. Huge chunk of text = bad. Anyways, moving on.
Noting these as I read... Here;
"They were grotesque as sin, with skin of green
with each carrying twin blades and all three were lean
as twigs, and their breath smelled"
Is that second with meant to be "and" or something else. Because those two "with"s make that part of the sentence awkward. Also, that sentence is rather long. o.O I would split it up, maybe here after 'twigs';
"as twigs, and their breath smelled"
Like so; "as twigs. And their breath smelled" etc, etc. And also, a comma after "taken" couldn't hurt. Or maybe a semicolon (;). I find the use of things like this come in handy for letting the reader take a breath. That's the best way to notice something awkward with the poem; read it out loud. Also, I keep finding places where you lack full stops or commas, and the like. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to reread this and add those in?
Comma here; "me, and all" It's a kind of pause...or I read it out as one, rather.
Zen is an odd way to put it. I would have used calm. Either way, I like it! As for the storytelling and the actually theme of this poem. It's interesting, and I really like it. It would flow much better and your readers would be able to read it easier if it was spilt up into verses, but other than that, this is really good. And I have nothing else to say, really. It's a brilliant poem overall, if a little too rhyme-y for my tastes (but that's just me! I rhymed far too much when I first started writing poetry, too! We all do it >.> Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't). I am definitely clicking "like" as soon as I hit submit! Thank you for the lovely poem, JayShay. Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
lol I did like Chacer did with the Canterbury Tales. To make the lines rhyme he sometimes sent some of his lines to the next line if that makes sense. And its like I said. it was near midnight when I wrote this so stanzas were the least of my worries lol Ill fix it asap. And I tried hard to make it rhyme lol
That's understandable... And Chacer did that? o.O I didn't know. Wow, you learn something new! I do like rhyme here, though, despite it not being my preference XD Well done! <3
Hi,
I'm ready for it. Ready to review
So I liked the whole storytelling thing you have going on here, together with the whole rhyming thing it makes your poem sound like one of those old stories you might see/hear in a novel, which is cool.
I also like the way you describe the fight scenes, it made them very easy to imagine, which was again - good.
You do need to read back through it again though: small mistakes really that might even be typing errors.
'Shouldnt' should be 'shouldn't'
'payed' should be 'paid'
'fair' in that context should be 'fare', I think (that last one might be wrong.)
Aaand it would be very nice to see this poem split up into verses somehow, which should be quite easy to do with the whole rhyming thing you have going on...it would make the story flow better and make the poem physically easier to read
Hope that was helpful, message me if you'd like to,
Annii
Thanks for reviewing. As for the typing errors, it was almost midnight and I couldnt think lol, I will fix them momentarily