She was a vivid soul
That wandered my mind
Through the maze of smoke
And tangled trees.
Lost without any assurance,
The yellow brick road grew old and cracked
With every tiptoe.
The clacks of her heels only brought her deeper into thought.
There was no going home.
Her dress was flying on her body,
but it failed to take note on the curves on her skin.
beauty.
Till this day I questioned her happiness,
why her teeth show with every remark.
She was lightening these wilderness
without any evidence of light.
Soon enough she will lighten up the forest
and I will be gone, in my own mind.
trapped inside in oculus
and forgotten behind her presence.
Holding on to her shoulder blades.
was the grips of her fabric
The shoulder blades carves through my train of thought.
And she was on the next departure.
She had three friends
But trusted none.
Alone
And self achieved
Life was simple.
Three souls
One was tamed
Another was fake
And the other non-existent.
She became determined
And her jaw clenched with every statement.
A women who knew what she wanted.
After she lost all that she had.
But why does she enter this never ending forest.
Hope was the last emotion one could grasp.
She held it tightly.
And she showed it to me.
It was beautiful.
it bloomed my dark flowers
and enlightened the chlorophyll of my roots
sprinkled creativity on each pedal that I kissed.
I no longer was darkness,
in control of my own world
she became my lantern.
-JayR
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Weather here with a review. Welcome to YWS also!
Well, I thought overall the poem had a lot of potential. It was interesting and the language used in some parts was quite delightful. But I do have some suggestions for it, so let's go into the review.
Things I liked:
I liked that the concept you were trying to convey, although unclear at times, I could see some of you intentions with the language used.
You've used some great imagery and descriptions.
Things that can be improved upon:
Honestly, I thought it was pretty long, if not too long. Perhaps splitting up the sentences into separate stanzas. Also cutting out some unnecessary phrases that don't add much value to the poem in general would be useful.
"She was a mystery soul"
This line doesn't fully make sense due to the word "mystery" being there, I think you mean *mysterious". As a suggestion, I would change the word "mystery" to a more interesting adjective as a soul being described with mystery has been done often in poetry.
"foggy mist"
I presume the "foggy mist" is still in reference to your mind. The two words are more or less the same word and they're quite bland. You could use two different words, still in relation to your mind being clouded or unclear or whatever you intend to go for.
"And octopus tangled trees."
This was a slightly awkwardly worded description, mainly the reference to "octopus" it just gives an odd image.
Sometimes, not everything felt coherent and connected. I think you could move some sections into parts of another poem.
Hope this review helped. Keep writing.
~Weather
Thanks for the review and the welcome. I have made changes through what you've told me! I hope you read more of my stuff in the future and keep me updated.
Hey! ajruby here to review.
Lovely poem here! But there were just a few things that I saw needed to be corrected...
"The yellow brick road grew old and cracks
With every tiptoe." You have to have grew and cracks match. So if it was grew (which is past tense), it would have to be cracked.
"She was lightening these wilderness
without any evidence of light." I believe it should be lighting, not lightening. And it should be this or change it to wildernesses.
"After she lost all the she had." that, I assume you meant.
Also, the part about her shoulder blades really lost me. Are her shoulder blades really that wonderful? I wasn't seeing it. But other than that, this again was a lovely piece. You drew me into it quite well and I enjoyed it!
Keep on writing!
-ajruby (The Silver Lady)
Thankyou! I have made the following changes up there, except one about the shoulder blades. I usually write and use a model for somebody in my own life, and the woman that I used fits the description.
Hey, RagingLive here!
This was a very interesting poem that just had such an odd pull to it, I can't really explain. There were a few spots I was confused with, though. Such as lines 15 and 16.
"She was lightening these wilderness / without any evidence of light." I didn't know what you really meant there, if you meant to say "She was lightening these wildernesses" but then if you were I was confused with "without any evidence of light" or maybe you meant lightning?
Over all it was well-written and moving. Keep writing!