Young Writers Society

Hey JayBlu,

I know this poem is obviously very personal to you so I want to preface this review with the fact that I'm not commenting on the experience expressed in the poem. Nor am I commenting on you, the individual in the poem or the emotions that you express. This review is all about the craft of writing poetry. I'm sorry if anything I say touches a chord in an unpleasant way.

With that out of the way; I think that this is more of a monologue than it is a poem. I understand what is happening here, this kind of dramatic recital, but I don't think that it is really reflecting a poetic instance in the way you might want. I like that you're so clear in your intent and that clarity works really well to keep your reader interested and moving through the lines. In addition to this you're not at all light on emotion, we've got that in spades ad it is very easy to feel sympathy and empathy for your narrator because the way you've written this is very personable if not relatable.

I'd like to see some more imagery, some more clarity in the narrative. Your language slides a little in sections from a contemporary tone to things like "Still, fate cared not." I'd pick one and stick with it, because otherwise it detracts from the message you're giving out. The lack of focus some of your lines have means that in some sections of your poem I lost the thread of what you were saying - you were rambling/naval-gazing, which is in the end confusing and distracting from the poem.

My suggestions would be to read this out loud, feel how/where it becomes a little rambly and cut back in those sections. Don't feel bad if you have to slice out lines to make your whole poem more clear cut. If you love a line you can always use it in another poem later (I am forever recycling lines). The second suggestion would be to consider, very carefully, what the purpose of your poem is and what kind of message you want your readers to get from this. Right now your poem is a really good catharsis piece and I can see how good it probably was to write it. But when you're giving work to people it stops being just about you, and becomes about what your audience can connect to.

If you do decide to change anything, please let me know, I'd love to check it out.

Thanks for posting!
-Penguin.

Wow, the context of this poem is brilliant. I got really sentimental after reading this.
Greatly written, clear phrases. I would just like to say a couple of things for you to consider next time: When writing poetry, try to avoid using full sentences (in fact, do not use any at all) but instead, decorate your work with poetic devices such as imagery, symbolism, rhyming schemes, etc. That way, the poem will be easier and more fun to read. Other than that, as I have said previously, this is a good piece. Keep up the great work!