Do they feel bad for lying to me?
Not telling me about the world
Raising me up to put me down
Running circles around my simple mind
Hoping that maybe one day I could find
some form of truth, a form of life
Not knowing what's real, what's not
Being kept away from the real me
The real person I ought to be
What hurts more than being lied to?
The lies actually being followed through?
The gossip, the rumors, the media
What is this place I called my own?
This dishonest house, my throne?
These soundproof walls, my insecurity
Barely surviving under our own pretenses
What kind of world do we
live in?
This is not my home,
It is my prison
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I very much like the subject matter. It's easy to relate to, which is good. The rhythm, however, doesn't flow very well. Other than that, it's really good. Great job.
deep man deep, it was good!
I like this poem very much. It was excellent.
The idea is one I can relate too.
However, you do get a little off topic.
If this poem is about the anger toward your parents/guardians/teachers, which is the impression I got, then this line,
"What hurts more than being lied to?
The lies actually being followed through?
The gossip, the rumors, the media"
Does not fit.
1) it brings up gossip and by that I would assume you mean school gossip. Which brings to a point that this story is skewing off the idea of anger towards adults.
2) the media? That is made up of adults but it makes me think more celebrity life.
The point is that line brings the story down and needs to be edited. However eveything else is OK. Good job.
This is really good. I really liked how you compared home to prison, and truth to lie. This fits more in the Dramatic Poety section. I really liked this and you can feet the emotion in it. Good job! Keep it up. Try to get it moved to Dramatic Poetry though.
-Rick.
I thought this was a really nice piece. You really expressed the main idea for this poem.
The only thing I caught was that sometimes, I felt as though you were telling rather than showing us. You should use more description in your poem.
Otherwise, this was good. Keep Writing! (~_~)
The own/throne thing I can explain lol. I wanted to put home (even though it wouldnt rhyme) but I ran into the problem of using the word 'home' twice. (Which is a pet peeve of mine when it comes to poetry)
I liked it, too. And feel free to put poems up that aren't your best! I do it all the time, and they often become some of my best after all the editing is done
.
Your rhyming was really nice, and it made me happy, until the stanza with the "own.../...throne." The words just sounded forced into the stanza.
Other than that, I liked it. Merry writing!
Thanks for the advice. I've never actually read poems about homes being prisons so I didn't know anything about "originality"
This poem I honestly wrote in 5 minutes after reading the short story, The Bet by Anton Chekhov (1889)
I have better poems than this, I forgot about the whole critic thing or I would have put one of my more original poems up lol
but again, thanks!
Hi there Jassie!!
It's too early for me to be mean, so I'm gonna say that I liked this. ^_^
The idea of comparing a home to prison is used a lot, but I think you used it nicely.
Being used a lot means you have to make yours stand out above the rest, which I think you need to work on.
Otherwise this was good. Good Luck!
Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay
P.S.-Love the avatar!