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Hunger

by Jasperbiscuitt


My home is falling apart.

The walls are collecting as much debris as possible

Before collapsing.

I put no effort into rebuilding or supplying for my house,

And the pain I feel

Rewards me still.

I’ll keep going, too.

My place of residence crashes

Until there’s nothing left

But the framing and floors.

But the emptiness fills me

And the attention fuels me.

I’ve seen others,

Whose shells have withered away

And leave them subservient

To the aches of the world.

But these skulls validate me

And their bones thrill me.

Until my home is too far away to save,

And I’m left to waste away with the walls

Of what used to be

The most precious thing to me.


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81 Reviews


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Thu Oct 07, 2021 2:57 pm
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waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



Hello mate! I am here for a quick review (:

My home is falling apart.

The walls are collecting as much debris as possible

Before collapsing.


This starting sentence is absolutely fantastic, and the way these lines tie together is lovely. Very strong start to a strong poem. Lovely! If I had a critique for this section, it would be that "as possible" sounds a bit off here - I can't quite put my finger on it, though.

I put no effort into rebuilding or supplying for my house,

And the pain I feel

Rewards me still.

I’ll keep going, too.

My place of residence crashes

Until there’s nothing left

But the framing and floors.

But the emptiness fills me

And the attention fuels me.


This section is so wonderfully beautiful. This extended metaphor of your body as a house is so well done here. It's written in a very personal and conversational style, so the combination of the literary techniques and this style come together to create a wonderful insight into the narrator's mind.

I’ve seen others,

Whose shells have withered away

And leave them subservient

To the aches of the world.


This change in subject is smoothly done and works so well in a poem like this - a sort of train-f-thought, story-telling method that you've perfected here. This is painfully beautiful. My only critique is that "leave" should be chanaged to "left", as in "have left" - expanding on the "have" in the second line of this portion.

But these skulls validate me

And their bones thrill me.


This is undoubtedly my favourite section of this poem. It's perfectly and beautifully written and serves to show exactly how messed-up and twisted this issue is, this willing destruction of the self. It sets the reader in your mind while letting them know exactly how your perspective has changed.

Until my home is too far away to save,

And I’m left to waste away with the walls

Of what used to be

The most precious thing to me.


This is an utterly fantastic and incredibly strong way to end the poem, showing the regret and consequence of the narrator's choices. The only critique I have is that, despite this being a poem, general sentence structure should still apply, and this itself is not a complete sentence; instead of ending the section before this in a period, you could simply end it without punctuation. If this doesn't work, you could also just delete the transition word "Until".

Overall, this poem was painfully beautiful and incredibly written. You did a fantastic job describing the horrors and genuine experience of an eating disorder. The reader can really feel the pain and the internal conflict throughout the poem as your story is told. Fantastic job!

Keep writing!



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Thank you so much!!! <3



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Wed Oct 06, 2021 11:08 am
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lukekazey wrote a review...



Hey, Luke here for a quick review!

So, first I'll go through what I liked, then some entirely personal suggestions for improvement, and then an overall summary at the end.

So, what first stood out to me is the title of the poem, as I have a poem of the same title,and its a theme I think has great depth for exploration in poetry. It's also something. I've experienced many times before, and I get the sense you may have too. The opening line of the poem is very strong and immediately sets the tone of the poem and the poetic voice, which is a real asset here. The real draw of this poem though comes in its raw emotion thats so plain to feel through your words, and that's truly beautiful. Massive congratulations.

In terms of suggestions for improvements, I'm gonna talk about stanzas and line breaks, which is apparently what I always get on my soapbox about haha. I find poems much more aesthetically and rhythmically pleasing when stanzas are used, and there's definitely scope for them in this poem. Lines 8 and 17 seem like perfect starts to new stanzas for me, but again this is entirely personal. In terms of line lengths, they all work for me other than lines 2 and 4- they just seem a bit too long and break up the flow of the poem for me, and they both seem fairly easily splittable. Finally, just a minor point but the word "leave" on line 15 seems to be in the wrong tense- should it be 'left'?

Overall, a really impressive poem with great potential and great emotion. Im really excited to read more of your work.

Yours,
Luke



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Thank you so so much!! I actually had stanzas but when I pasted it, it lost them :/



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Tue Oct 05, 2021 2:59 pm
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

Mood, Tone, Perspective, Themes, and Narrative

First and foremost, I love this poem's theme. The mood and emotions are well established to go alongside the theme, which I'm assuming is a consistent metaphor of an eating disorder, most likely anorexia. The subject matter of eating disorders is so important and stigmatized so I love how you're bringing it to light. I don't suffer from an eating disorder but I do go to therapy with a lot of peers with eating disorders, so this hits home for me.

The first person perspective obviously works best here for describing what the narrator is feeling. So... I love this!

These feelings of hopelessness, defeat, anguish, and obviously hunger go very well with this theme and you can feel it with every line. And that sad ending is just beautiful.

I love these lines:


I put no effort into rebuilding or supplying for my house,

And the pain I feel

Rewards me still.

I’ll keep going, too.

My place of residence crashes

Until there’s nothing left

But the framing and floors.


The way you've chosen to compare a person's body to a house is very interesting. It's very unique and the way you've approached it just adds depth to this subject matter and the poem itself. I mean we have to care for our bodies like caring for a house.

Language, Diction, and Style

Your choice of wording, descriptive and eloquent yet simplistic, is perfect for this poem. A reader of any level can understand it well. By choosing not to overwhelm the poem with intricate vocabulary, you've given it more emotion and feeling. Of course you gave some lovely word choices too like here

Whose shells have withered away

And leave them subservient

To the aches of the world.


I love that word "subservient". Of course, I could go for more detail and descriptive language, just keep it simple though. You could go deeper into this house metaphor and more physical imagery of the "skulls" and this house. However, it's also just lovely as it is. But if you choose to expand, just remember to stick to the narrative and not go crazy.

But that consistent metaphor is very well developed. I love using a consistent metaphor throughout a poem to cover up a sad story. If you've read any of my poetry on this site, I do that often.


Structure, Flow, and Rhythm

Like many young poets, including myself, rhythm is not our strong suit. Lots of the rhythmic issues here are simple and not hard to fix. Don't fret, as you get older you're poetry will change and refine; so whatever issues and quirks you have with rhythm will whither away. I suggest reading your poems out loud. That helps you see rhythmic and flow qualities of your poem easier then when you just read it.

Here I think stanzas might be good. Your poem may be short, but I see no reasons why you can't do stanzas.

And maybe some enjambment might help the lines flow better.

Like here

My home is falling apart.

The walls are collecting as much debris as possible

Before collapsing.

I put no effort into rebuilding or supplying for my house,


So try this:
"My home is falling apart.
The walls are collecting
as much debris as possible,
before collapsing.
I put no effort
into rebuilding
or supplying my house."

Get rid of the "my" in the fourth line. Usually when editing down to enhance flow try to look at words that are unnecessary or have too many syllables. Like "possible", I see what you're trying to do, but maybe a different choice of wording might be better. It's up to you though. Experiment!

But these skulls validate me

And their bones thrill me.

Until my home is too far away to save,

And I’m left to waste away with the walls

Of what used to be

The most precious thing to me.


So try this:

"But these skulls validate me,
and their bones thrill me,
until my home
is too far away to save,
and I'm left to waste away
with the walls of what used to be,
the most precious thing to me. [/quote]

Just experiment! These are just suggestions.

Grammar

There are really no grammar quirks other than maybe a comma misplaced or adding some punctuation. Like a commas after "crashes" in the eighth line. And lines that are part of the same sentence shouldn't all be capitalized. So maybe fix the auto-cap.

Final Words

This was a beautiful poem. Don't stop writing. I love reading this. If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, it gets better believe me. Just keep fighting!

Keep writing! Love this poem!

~Via



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Thank you so much!! You're very sweet.



aooborromeo says...


You're welcome!



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Tue Oct 05, 2021 2:11 pm
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SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi i im here to give you a review on what i read on your poem

okay lets get started

first off this poem name Hunger was actually pretty amazing on what i im saying to your poem is you did very good on what you had did what this poem and this was a beautiful piece of poem and i also want to let you that i have a good line that i like My home is falling apart.

The walls are collecting as much debris as possible

Before collapsing.

I put no effort into rebuilding or supplying for my house,

And the pain I feel this was like a good line to me in my own opinion


my compliment on what i im saying is keep doing the work you doing right now just know that this was a wonderful piece to be a poem and just keep working hard and giving your best shot and the effort that you put in to that poem


Keep writing!!!




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Tue Oct 05, 2021 1:24 pm
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AriesBookworm wrote a review...



Your story reflects someone who has lost hope and part of their humanity. They are both physically and mentally withering away. They don't care about what has happened to their house because they don't have a reason to care. They're in too much pain, again, physically and mentally, to rebuild it. They just watch it collapse as they allow themselves to do the same. They don't see a reason for living, but they hopelessly keep moving forward.




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Tue Oct 05, 2021 7:45 am
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Amirykal says...



Hi,
This is a beautiful piece. It's inspiring and the imagery used in it is very good. We should take care of our bodies and accept it as it is. We should work on it rather than letting it wither away.
Great work.




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Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:23 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello Jasperbiscuitt! Incoming review!

I've seen lots of disordered eating works here but yours is truly unique. With that said let me get on with the review!

I'll start with critiques. I really couldn't find anything wrong with the words you used but I also felt you could be slightly more descriptive. Maybe more dynamic lines could break up some of the ones that feel more basic. Like here,

But these skulls validate me

And their bones thrill me.
What do the bones say? Are they scary and withered? It's really the "what" I am after because I understand the "how."

One last thing I could share that would escalate your work would be to have the beginning letter of some lines be lowercase. The lowercase ones should be lines that are a continuation of a sentence. If you have trouble with this, just think if there weren't any line breaks would this word be capitalized? If not, make it lowercased. I just always find that the auto-capitalization makes works look amateur.

But I'm done with critiques, time to praise your work! I've never seen someone liken their deteriorating body to a crumbling house. But, yeah, our bodies are our homes and we need to take care of them. But not just have them be built, we need to maintain them with proper eating habits as is touched upon by your poem.

My place of residence crashes

Until there’s nothing left

But the framing and floors.
Ooooooo this got some great visuals out of me. I can see an actual house crumbling after an earthquake but I can also see someone fall to their demise with only the bones being so frail but they're supposed to be these great things that keep up upright. It's great visual story telling!

And I’m left to waste away with the walls

Of what used to be

The most precious thing to me.
And a sad ending to top it all off. It's quite beautiful, in a sick twisted way. We just really need to be nicer towards one another and the media should burn to ashes. I wish I knew about this earlier on in life.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! You made an absolutely wonderful work and I hope to see more powerful writings from you! Keep on writing! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<33333



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Thank you so so much!!<3




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