Published July 24, 2011
I know this poem is not very descriptive (and maybe cliched as someone told me...) but it was hard to find the words when you really haven't done all the things I mentioned. There also isn't really a structure because I spoke my mind and wrote freely. Plus, it's like 2:00 AM as I am writing this (of course I am only posting it until now--10 something AM) , sooo yeah. I'm just really tired. So here it is.
The way you hold me in your arms
It's something I recall to be pure
But then...wait
I cannot recall this nor can I say it is pure
Because although we are in love
Never have we touched in a way that says
"I love you"
Only once has your hand merely brushed against my skin
But that quick, light touch was all it took
I fell for you and yet
Never have your guitar strumming fingers
Interlocked with mine
Never have your sweet, supple lips
Gently kissed me
Never have your delicate, well-played words
Been whispered in my ear
Never have you held me in your arms
And so we wait
For the moment we can do all the things
We long to recall
For the moment we
Fall in love all over again
For Anthony James. I love you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,589 Literary Works • 673,543 Reviews
I honestly thought this was well written and I really don't have anything to say in regards to you correcting anything. It was well written and beautiful.
This is a pretty nice piece, personal, but not overly so, and emotional without being over the top or familiar. You made it your own, really. I do find that the flow of the piece is a bit scattersot. You mix long, detailed lines with short, punchy ones in a way that never really mixes well and this does trick the reader up again.
I suggest reading the work aloud and focusing on making it into one smooth flow that doesn't detract from the emotion, which is quite wonderful. Overall, a nice little piece.
Good job.
I like how this has no structure and that you just decided to write it freely. That is what writing is all about and what they have forgotten to teach us in english! Your girlfriend/boyfriend must have loved this! There is nothing more exciting and special than experiencing something beautiful with someone you love for the first time (especially something small like holding hands) with your partner! You showed the beauty and how special those moments are through this poem. well done
I really like this poem, it it really true to your emotions without being overly personal.
The first part was beautiful, simple and true.
It doesn't start getting cliched until about here
The problem here isn't that you;re listing things that you've never done before; that's fine and can be interesting. The problem is this is so general that it becomes generic. In the line before you said
And that's beautiful because now I know he plays guitar. So it's descriptive, it tells us something about this guy and it makes your list more interesting. Now do that to the rest of the selections. If you can't think of a way to succinctly add a little bit of personal detail, then try omitting one or two and doing it with the rest. I think it will really strengthen your poem.
The best of luck to you
<3 (": I love you Jasper <3 This is amazing.