He was called "Ianto". He took two kids wherever he went, and eventually, they were found. Every single one died, except one. My name is Jason Morris, and I lived. I passed the test, pulled trigger, and killed the other boy. I survived. I was eleven.
In the silence, I can still hear the shot ringing in my ears. The vibrations are there, in my fingers as if I was still aiming the gun, still pulling the trigger, still afraid, still empty, and still guilty. That's my curse, my reminders. I'm alive; I survived, but at what terrible cost? Looking back, I wish I had just let it all end. My sanity. My pain. My captivity. My life.
What would have happened if I hadn't have pulled the trigger? Would the boy be in my place now? Would we both be dead, like the six before us? How would it all have ended? Would I truly be free? It's too late now. I want to die. I've been to hell and back again.
The shot didn't just kill him, it did damage to me. It created a tear. A tear through the fabric of my mind, a tear that split me in two, a tear that ripped my personalities apart. Like most everybody, I had a few personalities before I was taken: Who I was around my friends, who I was when I was alone, and who I was when I wasn't strong enough. I guess that's what, or rather who, Morse is. He was that masquerade I put on to be strong, to survive.
The shot alone ripped him out of my subconscious, but the more I detatched, the more I wanted to vanish, for someone else to bear my pain, the stronger he got. Every ounce of strength he gained, I gave it to him. I gave him the reigns. For eight years, he controlled our body. For eight years he did what he needed to survive as I sat back in the recesses of consiousness and watched him, watched "me" do things I never would have done. I watched things happen like a scene of a play, a clip of a movie.
By the time I screamed for him to stop, by the time I had learned to love the dark, I had no grip left. This cruel, brutal, heartless sociopath who called himself by my first name and had my appearance, had control. For eight years, I lived under "Ianto" and my own captor whom I created, Jason Morse. Eight years in captivity. Eight years in hell.
Be careful what personalities you oblige. Eventually, the personalities clash. Eventually a superior personality surfaces and takes hold. Who established it, you? Which you? Some personalities are stronger than others, and some need to be. But spending too much time in an inorganic personality does damage. It leaves a tear.
A tear through your mind.
A tear through your heart.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that this is really good. Like windsailor said, It's really intense and dramatic right from the start. The emotions in this prologue are so raw that it's kind of overwhelming- in a good way! You did a good job at grabbing the reader's attention making them want to read more.
Although I kind of think that some lines are a bit repetitive:
"I was still aiming the gun, still pulling the trigger, still afraid, still empty, and still guilty."
"My sanity. My pain. My captivity. My life."
I understand that it's for emphasis but there's a certain amount that becomes too repetitive.
All in all, you did great. You introduced the MC but didn't give too much information so you can keep the readers wanting more. Sorry for the short review!
I'm interested in reading more from you so keep writing!
Hi, KimLovesU here to review, but first I just want to say: Welcome to YWS! It's great to have a new memeber among us.
He is called "Ianto". He takes two kids wherever he [went] [and] [e]ventually, they [were] found. Every single one died[,] [e]xcept one. My name is Jason Morris [and] I lived. I passed the test[,] pulled trigger [and] killed the other boy. I survived [and] I was [just] eleven [years old] .
You put a lot a periods and this paragraph, where they weren't really needed. I don't know if you just want to make the text more dramatic, but It just just looked a little terrible. You could use commas though to make it more dramatic, and stuff. Also, this paragraph is in the past so don't use words that would make it in the present.
In the silence, I can still hear the shot ringing in my ears. The vibrations are there in my fingers as if I [was] still aiming the gun, still pulling the trigger, still afraid, still empty[, and] still guilty. That's my curse, my reminders. I'm alive; I survived, but at what terrible cost? Looking back, I wish I had just let it all end. My sanity. My pain. My captivity. My life.
What would have happened if I [hadn]'t have pulled the trigger? Would the boy be in my place now? Would we both be dead[,] like the six before us? [How] would it all have ended? Would I truly be free? It's too late now. I want to die. I've been to hell and back again.
The shot didn't just kill him[, i]t did damage to me. It created a tear. A tear through the fabric of my mind, a tear that split me in two, a tear that ripped my personalit[ie]s apart. Like most everybody, I had a few personalit[ie]s before I was taken: Who I was around my friends, who I was when I was alone, and who I was when I wasn't strong enough. I guess that's what, or rather who, Morse is. He was that masquerade I put on to be strong, to survive.
The shot alone ripped him out of my subconscious, but the more I detached, the more I wanted to vanish, for someone else to bear my pain, the stronger he got. Every ounce of strength he gained, I gave it to him. I gave him the reigns. For eight years, he controlled our body. For eight years he did what he needed to survive as I sat back in the recesses of consiousness and watched him, watched "me" do things I never would have done. I watched things happen like a scene of a play, a clip of a movie.
By the time I screamed for him to stop, by the time I had learned to love the dark, I had no grip left. This cruel, brutal, heartless sociopath who called himself by my first name and had my appearance had all the cards. I came close to surfacing and freeing myself from my mental prison a couple of times, but each time he overcame me. For eight years, I lived under "Ianto" and my own captor whom I created, Jason Morse. Eight years in captivity. Eight years in hell.
Be careful while personalities you oblige. Eventually, the personalities clash. Eventually a superior personality surfaces and takes hold. Who established it, you? Which you? Some personalities are stronger than others, and some need to be. But spending too much time in an inorganic personality does damage. It leaves a tear.
A tear through your mind.
A tear through your heart.
I just revised some grammar e and spelling errors. I didn't really have any suggestings, in this review, just in the first paragraph.
Keep writing!
-Kim
Next time if you want to quote large pieces of text, you should use the quote code like this "
to end it. Just remove the quotation marks.The Big Book of YWS Codes You can find the code here.
Hello,WindSailor here to review your introduction. I will start with the technical errors I noticed.
There should be a comma between appearance and had here.
While should be changed to what.
Other than those two things, I didn't see any technical errors. Now, I will talk about the content of your introduction.
This introduction was very intense and dramatic, it threw right into the mix and brought up some of the events of the past. I liked the way you brought up the past events and explained the effect they have had on Jason Morse. It appears that this captivity ,this hell as you describe it has had a serious effect on Jason. I assume that will play a role in what comes later in the story.
Furthermore, the amount of description and context you gave us about Jason was great. It lets the reader understand who Jason is, and why he might end up making the decisions he does. The introduction is meant to be a back-story, to give the reader some context, and I feel this does exactly that.
Moving on, I loved the ending. It stuck with the reader, and brought up a very true point. The entire last paragraph was great, just remember to change that little error. Overall, the introduction was good, and I could see this becoming a good story. Although, I am not sure what it is exactly about, it just seems to be about Jason's life, and it appears he has had quite the eventful one. Sounds like it could be an interesting read. Keep it up!