Knuckle down my friend,
Down into the stretch of endless
Picking,
Where unheard sobs rest,
Clouds of cotton await,
So do vicious,
Unforgiving faces,
Judge not my friend,
Ignore the infinite staring,
They're blind you see,
Stars can shine hand in hand,
But they fail to see the light,
They act like puppet masters,
Yet they themselves are strung up,
Forced to fit in society's thoughts as
Jigsaw pieces,
Yet oblivious to the
Picture they have made.
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140,427 Literary Works • 673,184 Reviews
I really loved this but I have a few problems with the grammar punctuations and etc. But you also did very good but I think you should probably fix a few things and btw happy review do to everyone thank you very much for spending your time to read this review but those were the only criticisms i had thank you for your time. and i really enjoyed reading it thank you for your time and a merry review day too you.
Thank you for the review but could you say what grammar punctuations I need to fix?
no grammar but i thought the punctuations was a little bit off
Which parts just so I can improve it?
well the parts where there a commas everywhere how come you put them everywhere
There were commas before each new sentence?
No after
Very interesting poem. Unlike the previous poems I read so far I did feel any beat and rythem nor do I see any rhyming but I does have good content.
For example this part of the poem below was intriguing because the way you described how slave owners are sort of forced by the eccconany and society to own slaves to support themselves. How I see it you also sent out the message they people didn't realize or didn't care enough to see how terrible it was to own these slaves. That's at least what I got out of it. I might be wrong.
"They act like puppet masters,
Yet they themselves are strung up,
Forced to fit in society's thoughts as
Jigsaw pieces,
Yet oblivious to the
Picture they have made."
Good work!
-redbox275
Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for and thank you, I really appreciate it!
Hey there! Scarlet here for a review, man it's been a while since I've bothered reviewing. Anyhow I can't guarantee the accuracy of my reviews but I'll do my best.
Nitpicks first...
Frankly, this poem lacks something and I can't put my finger on what. As a reader I don't really feel anything while reading this. It's like I'm chewing on salted cardboard.
BUT, do not take that harshly, it's got good things about it too I'll get too that in a bit
Instead of stretching that out, put it into a whole sentence.
Knuckle down my friend, down into the stretch of endless picking.
This continues through the poem, the sentences are all chopped up and stretched out and at times it gets hard too read.
I think this sounds a bit odd, maybe add and to it... like so.
Where unheard sobs rest and clouds of cotton await.
That's only my opinion but I do think there's something missing from that.
I think before Judge maybe, put..
I feel it ends upbruptly, without added meaning to the ending. You need to finish strong, maybe change the ending a bit. But the rest before it sounds wonderful.
Mkay, nitpicking is over lets get to the good part of the review.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, DO NOT CHANGE A THING IN THIS PART.
I absolutely love how it sounds especially the following lines..
Really gives a state of mind about the entire situation. This part doesn't leave a bland taste in my mouth it's beautifully colored.
Great work, keep it up and keep writing~!
Thank you (that's some helpful advice.) The only reason I chopped it up was to make it flow and be unique. I'm not sure how to improve the salty cardboard though haha
With poems this short it is essential that each word has meaning to it. Go through word by word and ask yourself does this word alone represent the message I am trying to portray. I think overall this poem does a nice job of that. I love the hook. It is brilliant. The first stanza is so important to grab the reader and you do a nice job of doing such. Then the poem continues on just as nicely. Really well done on this. I really enjoyed the images it painted in my mind!
Thank you for that good review!
First off Hello this fallen from those grinning grinches to review this piece so before I start let me rant alright.
HOLY COW!!!!!! THIS IS UTTER BRILLIANCE S.O.S NEED ASSISTANCE OF THE AMAZING ARTICLE PRESENTED BEFORE!
now that's out of the way lets continue shall we?
I like how you chose this topic to start put with, you don't see many about the subject which is a shame but you did put the best effort imaginable which is very pleasing. Your words while simple and lines short woven a story that made the speaker clinging to the speaker's every word.
I love how you can clearly picture the scene with your elegant imagery and perfect word choice.
As for favorite lines I must say that these two cause chills down my spine and leads to me re-reading them over and over.
"But they fail to see the light,
They act like puppet masters,
Yet they themselves are strung up,"
These few lines are bring out such intense imagery and emotion, you did a brilliant job.
Now for cons im sad to say that I see none. the only suggestion I say extremely lightly is don't capalize every line, unless you did this for a meaning or to emphasize the point.
Other than that Amazing keep writing and cant wait to see more from you
Sincerely,
Fallen
Thank you I really appreciate it and that is a great boost in confidence %uD83D%uDE0A Yeah, I agree-it's a shame that there are rarely pieces on this topic %uD83D%uDE14
And yeah I won't capitalise every line,( thanks for the advice.)
Hey!
I'd just like to say how much this piece reminds me so much of a Browning poem. It's nice and lyrical, when I read it out loud, the words just seemed to drip from my mouth! It was nice! Could be made into some sort of ballad or chant song for a movie, really. The imagery was really good; great wording.
Just one small nit pick:
It is a bit illogical because stars don't hold hands, or need each other to shine in that manner. I think you need to clear that one out with another line connecting the two others ^^
Going back, I really appreciated this poem!
Keep on creating and keep on dreaming!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Thank you for you reply!
With the star line, I didn't literally mean stars hold hands or that they need each other to shine,( but I see where your coming from.) Although the field slaves shine like stars together, they are still ignored... but in the future I'll try to be less vague haha.