Published August 7, 2012
he woke to the sound of birds carving
into his chest, painting a picture with only their beaks
and his blood and it reminded him
of those blind-deaf artists who have no arms,
gritting teeth marks into the smooth plastic glossed wood of a paintbrush,
twirling it with their tongues like cigarettes or roses except
these brushes didnt leave thorns or burns,
they left splinters
in the art that they made.
the birds cooed and chirped and promised he’d be okay
as long as he stayed still and didn’t breathe
very much because his lungs were dangerously close
to the razor sharp beaks, a calcium compound, a protein
much like skin and hair and fingernails that grow too long
and get caught up in itself like cotton in barbed wire.
he knew it should have hurt but those birds
were clever little things and they numbed away
his nerve-endings first,
so that he could watch art in the making with a mild sort of curiosity
and see himself inally reach the tipping point,
the peak of his potential.
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139,876 Literary Works • 672,707 Reviews
Hey Jas. Pix here to review!
I really, really, really, like this. No joke. It has LOTS of potential to be in an contest; so great job. I'm just going to start on the review now.
First Stanza
These first lines.
I didn't really understand the line where you typed, 'and his blood and it reminded him'. This doesn't make sense because you typed 'and' twice in the same line. That isn't really good to have in a poem. Maybe try something like this?
I scratched out the 'and', and instead added an comma to make it sound better.
I really liked the last few lines in the first stanza though; it was really something to think about.
Second and third stanza
I didn't see anything wrong with these, to be honest.
All words were correct and meant for the stanza's, and I think they gave a great advantage to the poetry. Overall, great job and I'd love to read more of you work. If you need a review, swing by here!
~Pix
I enjoyed your sense of detail in the story. I also think that if you wanted to you can actually make this poem into a short story. I liked that it did't rhyme because if it did it would just throw the poem off and not make sense. I really think you have a great chance of winning the contest, for sure.
Other than the two typos that a previous reviewer pointed out (therefore I will not repeat them), the only thing that bothers me about this is the lack of capitalization. I realize this is a stylistic choice, and of course everyone always points out e.e.cummings (who is so famous for this that it's weird to even capitalize his name) as an example...but the thing is, you can't do this when you're starting off. Picasso started off painting traditional portraits, e.e.cummings started off writing traditional poetry, Lady Gaga started off learning classical singing (mouth open wide, tall vowels, etc, etc)...you have to have a good grasp on the traditional before you can work into the non-traditional.
Of course, if you've been writing poetry for years and have been published in some anthologies or something, you can disregard that. And it's not even that I'm against the non-capitalization; it's just that people won't take you seriously (later, I mean, when you're trying to get published) if you don't have a background in the traditional stuff. Rather than thinking you imaginative or creatively stylistic, they'll think you lazy or something. Typos, grammar mistakes, and spelling mistakes are the first things agents and publishers look for, so it's always best to start off with proper capitalization until you're well-established.
It's like driving - before you take your road test, you have to drive by the rules, even though they're stupid and unrealistic (like stopping way behind the stop sign and slowly inching forward until you can see, stopping again, and then going), but after you get your license you can drive like a real person (like pulling up to where you can see, stopping, and then going).
On a completely different note, I loved the imagery and your choice of diction, and I think you did a great job holding the whole metaphor together. (This is something I myself have some trouble with - I often like to inject different metaphors halfway through.) Out of curiosity, what's the prompt for the contest?
Keep up the good work, and good luck!
~Blue
well umm....... i dont really know what to think of this one. its interesting to say the least, and it held my attention well enough but there is nothing here to tell us whats really going on. i wish i knew so i could say weather i liked it or not but there is no way of knowing for sure. im sorry but im gonna have to say you need to work on it a bit.
I have no idea what this poem is about D:
At first I thought it was a man being killed by the birds, and suddenly waking up to witness it, then I thought it was about an artist's creation 'coming-to-life' and the 'beaks' and 'birds' were metaphors for the stroking of the paintbrush. Either way I liked it!
If you're submitting this for a contest (or this site) always, always, always proof-read! There's two cases above where there are typos that could be reparated with simple proof-reading: "didnt" should have an apostrophe; and "inally" - I assume, is meant to read "finally"?
Past those trivial details though, I feel that your lack of punctuation disrupts the rhythm of the poem. For example, look at the first stanza; by the way you've punctuated it, I should be fast-reading the whole stanza in one breath until I reach the full-stop with only a few short breaths for the two commas! I really don't think that's what you were going for! Also, there's the problem that continually runs through the poem, that when I finish a line there's a 'run-on' to the next line i.e. "only their beaks / and his blood"; "they numbed away / his nerve-endings first" - while this is due to your own artistic license, I feel that it ruins the pacing of the poem, as I have to double-back and re-read, hence ruining any momentum that you built up. However, where I feel you've erased this problem is the last two lines of the poem, where it is properly punctuated and hence, the understatment of the last line fits in perfectly. [Sorry if I seem overtly critical in this paragraph, I just want you to improve is all!]
The imagery running through the poem had me feeling creeped out, and the tone of the grotesque was definately felt. Birds pecking away at my chest and I can't escape, AND I'm conscious during it? D: It's like a horror movie, and it made me feel uneasy - which I think is what you were going for, so excellent
Overall, I quite enjoyed your poem, and with a few tweaks to the pacing, rhythm and punctuation I can definately see it's potential. Or you could just leave it as it is - it's enitrely your choice, of course!
Take care and don't forget to be awesome