i have spider leg eyelashes and
once in a nail salon, a chinese lady grabbed them
with manicured, callused fingers and asked me
if she could have them.
they are ampliphied by 3 dollar mascara
i steal from the pharmacy and once
a man wearing a collared blue shirt
and a little security tag grabbed my arm
and my heart dropped to my stomach and
even the marrow in my bones was quivering with fear.
he told me that i had forgotten my bag in the make up aisle
and he gave me a little smile and a wave goodbye.
the mascara gets tangled in headphones and gum wrappers
and green and white contact containers and there is always
a stripe of curved black kohl, like dna that stains the inside of my bag
because i forget things sometimes and i forget to close my mascara
and my door and my mouth.
i used to wear pink lipstick every day
but then a friend (or at least i thought she was one)
took a picture of me and i saw my heart (attack)
lips looked diseased so now i wear a vicious, gossipy red.
someone once told me i had lady bug eyes and i think
think the spiders are creeping into my lungs. i bleed blue
and the veins on my wrists are always, always lipstick red.
Everything you wrote was so visual and painted with vivid descriptions! In the very first stanza especially, I could just see the lady reaching out and grabbing her eye lashes. It made me kringe just to think of someone grabbing eye lashes and asking for them! All the other descriptions were right on to very vivid, and memorable.
In the last stanza did you intentionally put think twice in the first and third line? That was the only 'mistake' that I saw in the poem.
Also that amplified is spelled wrong I believe.
Great use of metaphors and absolutely wonderful imagery!!
Although I understand that you didn't capitalize anything else in the poem I wonder if it would be better to make one exception with the word "DNA" because it can be a little confusing lowercased.
Can't wait to read more, keep writing!!
~Alliyah
Hi Jas,
I really like this piece. Here is a brief review.
A few things others already pointed out.
>they are ampliphied by 3 dollar mascara
I believe "amplified" is misspelled. I was also curious why you chose to use the numeral three as opposed to spelling it out?
On another note, I thought it was interesting that anyone would steal three dollar mascara, as I have trouble finding any for less than ten.
>and a little security tag grabbed my arm
I like the word "badge" more than "tag," as the word "tag" brings to my mind a price tag or a dog tag.
>the mascara gets tangled in headphones and gum wrappers
This was an interesting visual. Though I can't imagine gum wrappers getting tangled in anything, I truly like the description throughout this stanza. It is so iconic of so many high school age girl's purses. Perhaps because the images are ones I am familiar with, this stanza stuck out the most to me.
>a stripe of curved black kohl, like dna that stains the inside of my bag
I did not know there was a such a thing as "kohl mascara" before reading this line. I had always simply assumed it was c-o-a-l.
>because i forget things sometimes and i forget to close my mascara
>and my door and my mouth.
This is probably my favorite line.
I think this is what captures me about your writing: you are able to overlap the profound or meaningful with the mundane. I hope this isn't strange to say, but I feel like that is what sets good writing apart, and I hope that you will cultivate it.
>but then a friend (or at least i thought she was one)
This line threw me off. I feel like the friend's questionable loyalty is not necessary to the stanza or I am missing something.
>someone once told me i had lady bug eyes and i think
>think the spiders are creeping into my lungs. i bleed blue
I wasn't sure if the word "think" was supposed to appear twice?
I'm not sure I understand your poem, but it brought to mind someone I used to know--so many of the images seem like they were drawn directly from her life, and that makes it very striking to me.
Hope that you continue to write!
Congratulations, this is my first review in... ages. And it goes to you!
This one is a bit hit-and-miss. First the hits.
Your images are clear, and sustained. Eyelashes, spiders, make-up, all strong images. Good development, especially here:
and here:
Good motifs, and well-developed.
Strong structure. You seem to have written from the end to the beginning. Right from the first word the piece knows exactly where it's going.
Killer metaphors. The lipstick is especially good.
Now the misses.
My own mentor once told me that only a poet who is extremely well-known and respected can end their lines in such a weak fashion. I know that it gives a sense of forward motion to end lines like this, but it is quite grating to read and weakens your images. The trick is providing forward motion while still ending lines strongly. Until you have a lot of experience (I'm talking like after publishing your second or third book) it's a good rule of thumb to end each line with the dominant image or action in the phrase. You can mix it up every now and then, but [i]only if it is effective[/]. It's tricky. Read a poem by T.S. Eliot, then read it again, but only read the last word of each line. Notice the strength of each end-word.
Cute, but unnecessary.
Unless I'm missing something terribly clever, "amplified" is misspelled.
I dig it. But it could use polishing.
K.
This is really cool! I'm still a little confused as to what it all means, but hey, I loved it all the same.
I liked the colour analogies at the end - "and the veins on my wrists are always, always lipstick red." this is really interesting and is just the way that I want poems to end (i.e. on a really sinister/intriguing/AWESOME note).
I probably wouldn't have read this if it weren't for the lovely metaphor at the beginning, "I have spider-leg eyelashes". This really grabbed me because when I put mascara on my bottom lashes (I don't wear it very often because of this), I always thought it looked like some creepy spider was crawling out of my eye. So, thumbs up for getting to me on a personal level!
I also thought that "vicious, gossipy red" sounded very suitable - red lipstick always gives that impression I believe.
Nice work! It's a really interesting poem that centers in on what happens to most of us. Nice metaphors - you're pro at them! - and the imagery is really great too. Hope I can read more of your work soon...
This poem's so awesome! It's majestic and creepy at the same time. I love your unique style and ideas. The flow was a bit choppy, but it didn't ruin it or anything and it's not too noticeable. It completely sucked me in like a dream. I can't wait to see more of your work.
words&wishes
This is a very interesting and unique poem! Maybe I don't read the right poetry, but this is the first make-up poem I've ever read! Although I love all the stanzas, if you read the first, fourth and fifth stanzas, you get the picture. I also like how you described your fear of being caught shoplifting without going too far into it. I really hate when authors/poets do long, boring descriptions.
One thing I would work on is the flow of the poem. You use the word 'and' way too much in the third stanza! Maybe do a line break instead of an 'and'. It would certainly make the poem more interesting visually.
I really like what you are trying to imply in this poem. Some girls get so caught up in making themselves more beautiful that they to to desperate lengths to achieve the world's standard, such as shoplifting. Also, I like how the last stanza implied that make-up becomes part of who you are.
I would like to hear more from you. This is a very interesting topic to write about. You just need to work on the flow. Otherwise, this is beautiful! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Wonderful writing,
~~Heidi~~