Thief Chpt 2 Part 2 :D

I really wish you would have kept going with this story, I rather liked it. This chapter's pretty short so there's not much to comment on, but I did find one thing that kind of bugged me.

It wasn't. Out of habit, she checked the time and after realizing she was already two hours late, she came to a conclusion; screw school, she was going to Roger's house.

Wouldn't she have realized this before? I mean two hours is a long period of time for it to just fly by and not notice. AND WHO IS ROGER HOPE WANTS TO KNOW.

So yeah write me more.

~Hope

Yay, Grammar Time!!!

So, because this is so short, i'm just going to repost the whole thing and put my comments, #40BF00 ">good stuff, and #BF0000 ">bad stuff.

She ignored her and kept walking.#BF0000 ">Her mother's screaming only dimmed after a couple of blocks of walking. This was awkward. Perhaps something along the lines of "Her mother's angry screaming only dimmed after she had walked a couple of blocks." and I add angry to that because you don't want new readers who don't know about May to think she is ignoring her mother's cries for help.

May’s mother knew of her “employment” and resented it, as she was stuck #BF0000 ">to a job of change it to "with" hanging on to a balding middle-aged fat man named Jim#BF0000 ">, to #40BF00 ">supply her with money and cheap dollar-fifty beer. They hadn’t always lived like this but a #45BF00 ">couple of wrong turns and misled directions on the road of life nice analogy :] and they ended up living on the outskirts of Harlem. They probably would I would suggest swapping probably and would. It's not neccessary, but I think it would flow better. live in Harlem if it wasn’t for May’s “job”.

She walked to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, a "but" or an "and" here would be just peachy keen #BF0000 ">standing this should be "stood", but only if you take my advice about the but/and in the doorway for a moment, trying to get used to the #40BF00 ">bright interior, so at contrast with the dark and gloomy sky outside. She stood #BF0000 ">on probably a typo, but it should be "in" line, #BF0000 ">deciding what to but for her breakfast and resolved on a double chocolate donut and a medium coffee. This desperately needs to be refrased. Something like "she stood in line, trying to decide what to get for breakfast and finally decided on a double chocolate donut and a medium coffee." would do perhaps? The cashier looked at her a little strangely when she took out a small bundle of cash, dough, green, you need some noun for money here. to pay, but, just as she did with her mother, May ignored him.

She went out, the breeze, cold and bitter, cooling her burning coffee. After a couple blocks of walking, she finally reached the bus stop. It was one of the crappy ones, the back of the bench gone, #BF0000 ">the part that was left try: "with the remaining part" it's a little smoother. covered in graffiti. #40BF00 ">She chose to stand.this made me chuckle.

She finished her breakfast #BF0000 ">and yet the bus was still not there. I would suggest rewording it like so "yet the bus still hadn't arrived." She waited for a red light, then went to the middle of the street to see if the bus was coming.

It wasn't.i made this a new line because it seemed like a new sort of thought.

Out of habit, she checked the time, and, after realizing she was already two hours late, she came to a conclusion; screw school, she was going to Roger's house.

This was a good little addition to part 1. I have a couple of things about the last paragraph though: why is checking the time a habit for her, and why does it take her two hours to realize the bus is not coming?

I have to agree with shubhi though, the cliffhanger with Roger sounds pretty exciting. :]
All in all, this was pretty good.
Keep writing and PM again when you post more.
Toodles!
~emerley

Hello Jasmine. I'm here again, couldn't wait to read this.
Firstly, lets get on to the nit-picks:

She ignored her and kept walking.

So you ended the previous part of the chapter with this line only. Did you do on purpose to start again here or it was a mistake? Anyways if you wanted to show the reader that its the continuation of it, which you need not, so you could have done it this way: ...and kept walking. The next here.
I know it was a silly advice.

The next paragraph was a bit confusing to me. Was May stuck to Jim? Its no fault of yours at writing but just that my brain has got a virus, consequently making me comprehend things a bit slowly. t

She walked to the nearest Dunkin Donuts, standing in the doorway for a moment, trying to get used to the bright interior, so at#FF00BF ">to the contrast with the dark and gloomy sky outside.

She stood on line#FF0000 ">What kind of line?, deciding what to bu#0000FF ">y for her breakfast and resolved on a double chocolate donut and a medium coffee.

The cashier looked at her a little strangely when she took out #FF0000 ">a small bundle of to pay, but just as she did with her mother, May ignored him.

This red part can be written in two ways(the one you wrote is not correct):
1. ..when she took out #0000FF ">a small bundle of cash...
2. ..when she took out #0000FF ">a small bundle off...(though I ain't satisfied with this one either)

She went out, the breeze, cold and bitter#FF0000 ">, cooling her burning coffee.

I think burning is correct to a extent but it seems that its on fire. instead you should write,' burning hot'. That would be pleasanter.

It was one of the crappy ones, the back of the bench gone, the part that was left covered in graffiti. She chose to stand.

Shubhi likes it!

Out of habit, she checked the time and after realizing she was already two hours late, she came to a conclusion; screw school, she was going to Roger's house.

I loved the cliffhanger you gave, I honestly can't wait to read who Roger is. Mystery!

Honestly, I found the first chapter the best among the all other parts. It had a good amount of description and a beautiful feel. there was a lot of area for description here which i think you missed. You should have described the building she's passing through a bit well, the people she observes(since she's a thief, she should always keep on observing people), what's she dressed in etc.

Other than that, there were a bit of oddly phrased sentences which I have pointed out to you already.

As I mentioned before, I liked the cliffhanger and the ending part. It makes me guess who probably this Roger could be.

Best of Luck and I'm always there to help you out!

Flying off for now!