Prologue
You wake up one morning and instead of seeing your mom setting eggs and bacon on the red kitchen table, you find you're father sitting down with an alarmed look on his face.
"Honey, did you're mom say anything about...leaving? Or going out this morning or something?" He asks you. He didn't shave today, which is so unlike your father that you know something is wrong. You shake your head and ask the inevitable question.
"Why? What happened?"
Your father sighs and asks you to call down your siblings. You reluctantly do so, gently shaking them from slumber. They come down, their eyes tinged with sleepiness, unsure of whats going on. Your father is shaking his head repeatedly until you all walk in.
"Dad, what's going on?" Your older brother asks, arms crossed over his chest.
"I-I don't know. Your mom wasn't home when I woke up and she isn't answering her phone or anything. I've called your uncles and all of your aunts are gone, too." Your dad replies.
"Maybe they all went on a secret spa getaway or something," Your youngest sister says, her face bright with hope. Your father gives her a sad little smile.
"I don't think so, sweetie."
You suddenly think of something, raising your hand and pointing to the TV.
"Let's check the news. Maybe something is up," You say, before walking over to the small LCD TV and flipping it on.
"It seems that all the females in the city are missing. We are unsure of what has happened but we will keep you updating. If you have any information on this strange disappearance, please call 1800-555-6201."
There was an uncomfortable silence following that bit of information.
"What the hell? All the girls are gone?" Your brother says, bewildered.
"Language," says your dad in a weak attempt at being strict. That was always your moms job
.
"Obviously not. We're girls and we're still here," You say, gesturing to yourself and your two sisters.
Your father sighs again.
"I know. Maybe we should call the number."
Your older sister makes for the phone and dials the number still on the screen, before handing the phone to your father.
"Hello? Yes, we have some er, information about the missing woman," he says.
"Put it on speaker phone." You say. He does and a tired sounding make voice comes from the tiny speaker.
"Yes, what information do you have? Do you know where they went?" The man says.
"No, we don't, but my daughters...they're still here," Your dad says, rubbing his unshaven chin.
The man on the phone's voice was no longer tired, but now sharp and alert.
"What? How old are they? How many?"
"Three girls, ages 13, 16 and 11,"
"Hi!" Your little sisters shouts into the phone.
"Wow. These are the first girls we've heard of all day. You aren't kidding, are you? This is police work and you can be fined for joking around in such serious times,"
Your father has a confused look on his face.
"What do you mean such serious times?"
The man on the phone sighs heavily, then starts.
"Sir, no females in the entire country have been found, the President is missing and there has been little communication between other countries. However, we are reading blog posts and such and it seems that there are missing woman everywhere."
"What are you saying? That there are no more woman!?" Your father says enraged.
"Yes sir. Your daughters might be the last girls on Earth."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
For this the second part is supposed to be the news right? Try making it sound more like a newscaster and less like you're just putting it there just for the information.
Okay the real thing you need to work on is realistic dialogue, especially since that's what makes up the majority of this story. It's a start but needs some work, and I'm not really sure if I like the second person yet, I guess I'll just have to keep reading and see!
~Hope
Hey there jaz! I just had to review this because it reminded me of the Green Day song Last of the American Girls, which I just happen to be listening to right now!
I think that you managed to make this second person without it bing completely annoying and overly dramatic. It also doesn't make me feel like I'm in one of those pick your path books either. I saw that this was the only chapter you were going to make this way, but if you hadn't I think it would be pretty easy for your MC to fall into Mary Sue like tendencies. That said, just because you have second person in your story at all, it may still have the inclination to be Mary Sue-ish. Also, this isn't the most unique story-line in the world. I've read a book called GONE and it's basically the same story except everyone over 16 I think are missing and the kids that are left can't leave the city. You seem to have a big problem on end punctuation here. I fixed all of them for you, but I'll link you to a help page so you can learn how to do it correctly for yourself. Another thing I noticed that sort of annoyed me, was that they say all of the girls are missing and not all of the women. It just is a very distinct qualification like a toddler would be a girl, but a 19 year old would not be. I think you should maybe change girls to females or something like that.
Always,
~Danie
Thanks! Later on it will be told that the girls' mother recently left for random trips but always leaves a note or calls or something. I'm not going to keep using second person for the entire story. Just this chapter
Hey jasmine. I loved this!
I think this idea has tons of promise; I think I've imagined something like this before in a dream or something. It was pretty scary...
Also, interesting pick for POV. I'm looking forward to seeing how you use it throughout this story.
Here are two big critiques for you:
First, watch your 'your's and 'you're's! You seem to get them mixed up very frequently.
You're= This means 'you are'.
Your= This is a type of possessive, unlike the other one. Ex: Your dad. Your mom. Your car. Your desk. Your...well, you get the idea.
Second, just to make this a little bit more realistic, why does the dad and his family decide to check the news first when they realize that most of the family women are gone? In reality, shouldn't they be calling the police in a seemingly emergency event like this first instead?
Hope I helped! Keep up the good work, keep on writing-
KD