"Lucy! Come on! Let's go already!" I whisper-yelled. I looked around apprehensively, if the counselors caught us, we were dead.
"I'm coming. I'm coming. Calm down,"
Finally, she appeared, clad in short-short pajamas and a long tank top. Her hazel eyes had a sleepy yet mischievous glint to it and her light brown hair was up in a messy ponytail, signifying that she didn't want to go and the only reason she was going, was because I wanted her to.
"Lu-lu, we're going to meet the guys. You can't have your hair in a mess and stop looking sleepy! They're not gonna think you're hot," I said, sighing.
"Oh, the Great One has spoken! I must not have my hair in a ponytail! Oh and God forbid, the boys not liking me! What ever would I do without you, Broo?" She said with a sarcastic smile. We both giggled and I waved her over to me.
"I know right!? Come here, put on some eyeliner and I'll fix your hair."
Ten minutes later, we were ready. The other girls already left a while ago, so the night was quiet. The counselor cabin was dark and soft snores came from the room as we tip-toed past it.
"Brooke, are we going to the woods?" Lucy whispered. I nodded and stepped into the forest, the trees much more menacing at night. My heart beat fast as boisterous laughter and the smell of smoke came near.
"How do I look?" I asked, turning around. Lucy rolled her eyes and whispered a quiet "fine".
We strolled into the meadow, Lucy trailing behind me. James' grin broadened as he saw me but then he turned his eyes to Lucy and his mouth opened a bit. I actually thought I saw a bit of drool. He wandered over to us, staring at Lucy the entire time.
"Hey Lucy," Lucy looked up and smiled softly at the look on his face. I saw that look, the 'damn, your hot' look and knew it was supposed to be for me.
"Hey, what are you guys doing?" I asked, pushing myself slightly in front of Lucy. James blinked and turned to me, as if he only just realized I was there.
"Oh, we're having smores and stuff. Derek stole some food from the Mess Hall, you know, to celebrate our first night of our last year. You could get some smores there and Derek got his older brother to bring some beer. " He said, pointing over to the famous make-out tree stump that now hosted around two packs of beer.
"Thanks James," Lucy said before I linked arms with her, smiled at James and led her away.
"Time to socialize," I whispered.
Jake and I ended up together by the end of the night, anyway, but I couldn't get that look out of my mind. I was jealous. That rest of the time at camp was spent comparing my thin blond hair, boring green eyes and short, fat legs to her long chocolate brown hair, unique hazel eyes and miles long tan legs. I began to want any guy that looked her way and stopped giving her make-up advice. I began to let her go to the Mess Hall with messy, bed hair, sleepy bags and smudged lip gloss, hoping the boys would ignore her again and I would be the hot one, she just being the quiet friend. Somehow, her not caring about how she looked made her more attractive, more appealing. Girls came into the Mess Hall with carefully crafted "messy" hair and purposely smudged mascara. Boys would constantly vie for her attention, leaving me as the quiet friend, a role I didn't play well. My jealousy and her beauty was what caused our friendship to wilt and what indirectly, caused her parents to divorce.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
xD I thought you were tired of my writing yet you want more of this? MY BRAIN CANNOT COMPUTE.
I'm getting sick of your writing already Jas xD This chapter I couldn't really find much to comment on, it was pretty darn good. The only thing is that you might want to explain in the story itself that it is a flashback.
I assume you planned on expanding this part, but I really want to read more of this now! You should write more just for me >.> because you know you love me.Anywho I liked it, good job keep writing and all that stuff. <3
~Hope
James is just some guy that Brooke had a crush on. That's kind of funny. I'm watching HP 6 and Harry just mention his father. OOPS. Typo, lol James = Jake. Lol, oops.
Umm...who's Jake?
Anyway, there were a lot more typos in this chapter than in previous installments. Is this supposed to be like a random flashback or something? I'm not quite sure how this fits into the other parts, and I'm not quite sure if it would fit at all. I'm not quitw sure what to say about this except that it gives us a bit more insight on who Brooke is and how Lucy was. But I'm not sure how this fits into the whole scheme of things, but I'll trust you as the other to tie it in to the rest of the story so that it makes sense and isn't just a random flashback that stops the flow of the story. All of my other comments are up there.^
Always,
~Danie
First of all, "whisper-yelled" doesn't really sound good or make much sense. Maybe say she whispered (because I assume thats what she is doing) but she strained her voice urgently.
1. Should be "you're" 2. Damn, your hot isn't very descriptive. 3. Why was it supposed to be for her? Who is James? introduce him better.Why does the ponytail show that she doesn't want to go?
Shouldn't the MC be resentful at Lucy's comment where she makes fun of her? Instead of giggling.
""Hey Lucy," Lucy looked up and smiled" It kind of sounds like Lucy says that
Who's Jake?
So then the last part is no longer a story, basically just summerizing what could be a story. Is this more of a prologue? If so that is good but I have some suggestions for the last paragraph.
So like I said, who is Jake? He is just thrown in there and doesn't work.
Expand more saying that as days passed you got continuely more jealous. Maybe have another part describing how despite your attempts she was still attractive.
And the parents divorce thing is also very random.
Expand more overall