Prologue
She was never smarter. I could reassure myself that as amazing as she seemed to be, she was never smarter. Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier. Selene's straight strawberry-blonde hair was always shiny and neat, her ocean blue eyes were always wide with excitement and she just seemed to ooze perfection. She was always the more social one, the cooler one, the better one. I was more reserved, quieter, my head always stuck in a book rather than at the pool or mall. Selene rose to the top as head cheerleader, prom queen and homecoming queen, while I wrote for the school literary magazine that no one read. We lived in a fairly rich community, with closed gates and pristine lawns. Mom was a housewife, who ended up pretty desperate and Dad was a divorce lawyer, which was a big fat slap of irony from lemon throwing life. Selene played the neighborhood golden child, the one who won all the talent shows and got free cookies at the local bakery. I got the role of the understudy to the star, forced to stand back and watch as she brightened the stage.
I never really cared that much though; I had my group of friends. I wasn't a complete freak, I laughed and had crushes and acted like a silly teenager too. Just not as obnoxiously as Selene. I was content was life and life was content with me.
Well, it was. Until she ruined it all by telling the only secret that as my sister, she should have kept. The bitch didn't care though, she was only looking out for herself. Not using her brain for half a second and thinking 'Maybe I shouldn't do this. Annette never actually did anything to me. I'm already the prettiest Barbie doll alive, what's the point?', nope, she told everyone she could, of course, in a way that couldn't be traced back to her.
I'm tired of the whispers and pointed fingers that flounder whenever I walked through the hallway, just trying to get to my next class. I'm sick of the fact that I'm now referred to as Ana Ann. She already had everything but still wanted the little I had. She made my life a living hell and now, finally, it was her turn.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
SO MANY HACKIN REVIEWS.
Love this for some reason, it just seems to describe what her whole life is like for me.
I do like this better than the prologue you had before. And By the way THIS DOES EXIST. Although to anyone who's reading this, I don't think Jas wants you to review this, I'm just doing it because I have to. Anyway yeah, I'm off for more Jas writing, wish me luck you brat <3
~Hope
Hey,
athanks for the reviews!
Thanks so much for reviewing! I think that I do nEed this prologue because Ive had a bunch of writer friends of mine read ths whout the new prologue and they said they were very confused
It's an interesting start, but do you need this prologue? It sounds like you could work a lot of these details into the first chapter just as well.
You do a really good job comparing and contrasting you MC and Selene here, but it is a bit of a long paragraph. Maybe break it down (I suggested a spot but it's your call).
Overall this is really good. I saw a few mistakes in comma use and grammar and word usage, but other than that it was an awesome start. You write descriptively without losing your reader, which is definitely a plus. Just think about what I said about needing the prologue. You're good enough to weave all those details into the body of the novel.
Well done. Keep writing.
Hey, Jet here for a review. Nitpicks first, and then some more general comments.
Comma splice. Replace the comma with a colon, semi-colon or full stop.
Another comma splice. As I said above, replace with a colon, semi-colon or full stop. I think a semi-colon would be most appropriate here.
She never used her brain for half a second and thought, Maybe I shouldn't do this. Annette never actually did anything to me. I'm already the prettiest Barbie doll alive. What's the point? Nope, she told everyone she could.
The above is the grammatically correct version of your sentence, I think.
Don't use "flounder" here; it's the wrong word. Try using "take aim" in its place, as it fits with pointed fingers and your MC's feelings at this point.
You'll notice that I haven't many corrections to make. That's because in general, your style is readable and your grammar is correct, so there isn't too much to comment on.
However, you need to consider the purpose of this prologue. I get an idea of your characters, but how necessary is that for the novel? There's no reason why I can't meet your characters in Chapter 1. It's up to you whether you want a prologue and up to you whether you keep this one, but I'm not sure what your intention was when you wrote it.
If you do decide to keep it, you need to get over the abundance of telling in this excerpt, especially in the first paragraph. Don't just describe the two characters. Your style is quirky and makes up for it slightly, but you can't rely on an opening paragraph, which is your hook for the rest of the novel, when it's so bland. That's why it's easier to introduce characters in Chapter 1, where you can use actions and dialogue to establish them rather than just having to rely on a profile, as we have here. It's not very interesting to read about your characters summed up in a paragraph before we've even reached the novel itself.
Some of the descriptions are nice, particularly that of her parents, but your MC is literally saying to the reader, "This is my life." She then proceeds to give us a run-down. I haven't any feelings towards your main character yet, because I don't know her as I would as I read the novel, so I can't sympathise with her and I have little interest in her life when it's simply described to me. I'll make the case again for leaving these details until we have some action and can fully appreciate your characters.
In short, just revise what it is that you're trying to achieve here and if it can be achieved without a prologue, I'd advise you try that. Good luck with the novel.
- Jet.