***I only just realized I put up the wrong part. Below is the correct Prologue:
I could never remember my parent's faces. They were murdered during World War Three in the Oxford Massacre on the fifteenth of April. I had grown up with my strict great-aunt Beatrice Walker who had lost her husband, sister (my mother), parents and four children. She told me that there was a specific reason why they were killed but she never explained farther than that. Before her death two years ago in 2038, she had worn mainly black to mourn their deaths. We had to be smuggled from Great Britain to America. We changed our names, lost contact with friends, adapted our British accents and basically restarted our lives. I was fifteen then. I had what the doctors called shock amnesia, but I called it the curse. I could never remember anything before my sixteenth birthday. I always felt an urge to know whyn my familt was killed but still 12 years later I cannot recall any memories of life before America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Cardigan, Neuropsychologist
Spearback, Alaska
10/12/30 11:32 AM
The waiting room was small but comforting. There were many seats open but she preferred to stand. She surveyed the empty room and was met with the sight of the off-white walls, tiled floors, the small holovision and an beat-up, weathered newspaper from 2032, the headlines stating the end to the war. The weather man's low voice and the clicks of the keyboard from the receptionist desk were the only sounds in the room, other than the nurse occasionally coming out from the white doors to ask for files then leaving in a rush. She mentally weighed the pros and cons of the operation and the chance she would get picked while she waited. It was only when she heard her name being called several times did she zone back in and walk to the front desk.
"You called me?", She said to the receptionist in a low voice.
"Yes, the doctor will be seeing you now. Throgh the white doors, take a left, walk down the hall and you will see a blue door with a plaque marked Dr. Cardigan, ok doll?", She replied in a southern drawl.
"Ok, thank you", she replied awkwardly before going through the doors.
She took a left and came across the blue door. Her hand rested on the door handle and she contemplated running out, screaming like a lunatic but decided against it and walked in, unsure of what secrets were held inside.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Lily agien! I just wanted to say
is spelled wrougn. Are you saying when or why?Other than that love it
Hey Jasmine! Here as you requested.
The apostrophe in "parent's" should be only after the S. Also, I don't think we need the know about the date, you can safely delete it in my opinion. Otherwise, the mention of the WW3 will surely catch the reader's attention, so good job on the beginning.
I don't think the whole name is significant at this point of the story. The paragraph is on the way to being an info-dump, anyway, so try to cut the background info as much as you can with still having some. Also... if someone is your mother's sister, she's definitely not your great-aunt, just your aunt.
Anyway! I'm sure you know that this is very short, and I have to say that so far the only thing that would keep me reading is the fact that it's happening in the future. But I wish you best of luck with your story, and just nudge me if you need any help or a review!
Demeter
x
Hey,
First, I would like to say that the prologue was very good. I like the whole concept of their being a world war III. This factor alone adds a lot of extra grace. What I mean is even though the year is 2038 you can still make it seem completly different such as having better weapons, or war torn cities.
I am assuming the second bit is not part of the prologue, if it is my mistake. The thing I liked about the first chapter (?) was that it was in third person. I enjoy reading third person it seems to flow through my mind better. The only complaint I have is the length. It is a very short chapter/prologue, please try to make it at the least a bit longer next time.
Hope I helped,
DayDreams
Hey Jasmine! First off, next time you use the Will Review For Food thread, just remember not to ask too many people. For me it makes me want to not review since you sort of spammed the thread. But that's just my weird pet peeves.
So lets first begin with the spelling errors I found.
Why, and family
Through.
Don't forget to use the spell check, it's your friend!
So overall this seems pretty interesting. You did a pretty good job with this, since stories set in the future tend to be kind of difficult to write. You definitely caught my attention, I want to see where you take this. Keep writing!
I love it is very discriptive but not annoyingly so. Good job!
Hi! Pink here as requested
Okay since this is just prologue, I won't be able to provide a decent full-on review but I'll do my best.
'She' does not need to be capitalized.
Also, I think it's: "You called me?" she asked...
I think you mean "Through" not "throgh"
Remember to spell check your work before you post it
Also, the comma at the end should be deleted.
"-Dr. Cardigan. okay, doll?" she replied.
Here's a Link that I think might help you out with correct quotation punctuation. Hopefully it helps out for next time.
Note the above.
Also in here, comma inside quotation marks.
Ex:
"Okay, thank you," she replied.
"No, thanks," she spat.
She bowed her head, "To my disgrace," she whispered.
_________
Overall, I think you have a good piece here. You present some strong words but watch out for your punctuation. I'm not sure what the story line here is but it's interesting. I like the whole future thing so that's cool. Sorry, I'm not sure what else to say since it's so short haha, but keep it up. You're pretty good for a thirteen year old.
Good luck with the rest!
~Pink
Ahhh. The smell of a review!!
I already apologize if this review isn't really helpfull, since this is the first review I've done in a while... (6-8 months)
Here we go:
I don't think that you'd try to keep someone alive to honor someone elses death. Instead of saying that you might want to consider using the cornier, but also the better way (in my opinion) of saying it: "They won't do it to Susana. I already lost Emily, but I won't let them kill Susana."
Also the commas you have in this part are kind of weird. If you wish to keep this part I would suggest that you make it into two sentences, or use the (;) instead of the comma between "Susana" and "to" .
I had to read this part twice before I understood that Joshua was the raving lunatic and not Susana. It might only be me and my lousy reading comprehension
In the "If's" part you should write it like this:
"If's, If's, If's aren't going to save Susana's life, but you can."
I hope I was of any help. It's a Good prologue.
Hi jasminebells,
The most annoying thing about your piece was the simple sentences in abundance. It killed the flow, because if all your sentences are only one clause long, you get very short, simple statements.
Here's an example:
If you read this to yourself, you'll see what I mean. Complex and simple sentences should be mixed together to create elegant, readable prose.
Here's a suggested change to this section to make it more readable:
I am leaving her in your guardianship. The bombings have been getting closer and closer, with more casualties every time, as if they're warning us to give her up or everyone will die. I will not give up my child. She is faintly aware that the war is [is what?] because of her [what?] because of that damn newsman on the holovision shrieking her name every five minutes [this sentence is currently a trainwreck]. I'm starting to wish that we still had old fashioned televisions [why? expand this]. She is only five and they want her dead; it's not fair but they will not stop. They already took and murdered Emily.
Some comments in there, because right now for a basic prologue it's still strangely confusing. You seem to have missed out words and muddled things.
This is also a bit of an infodump. I'm not sure why you've chosen to write a prologue in a letter form, but it strikes me as a shortcut so you can dump a lot of things on the reader before you can begin your story and therefore avoid the difficulty of explaining things more subtly later on.
If that's the case, this whole thing might need to be scrapped. But it depends on the rest of your story and the importance of this prologue to the overall narrative.
Good luck.
Hi, Jasmine,
I really enjoyed your prologue! It got me interested in what was happening.
I can't wait to hear( or read) more!
I'm sorry to say that this does not fit in with the letter. The writer seems to be in a rush, and very determined to get her point across quickly. Her rambling on about things is necessary, but this a little out there. I would suggest mentioning what holovisions are later in the story. And I'm sure readers would be able to figure it out. After all, you must give us some mystery.
I think that this should not be a prologue. It is more like the opening of a story. You should just call this the first part of your story.
This idea sounds very interesting. I can't believe that one person started the war!
Classy
Yupp it's in 2038 when WW3 is happening...I do mean holovision and sure you can use it!
The correct spelling for casualities is "casualties"
And about "holovision" is your story set in the future? If it is then that's awesome! But, if it's not I believe you meant "television"
And the thing that I highlighted in green is confusing, especially since you used because twice, the second one should be omitted.
Another spelling mistake, "aquired" should be "acquired"
"If's, if's, If's aren't going to" I think it would sound better if it was just, "If's, and if's aren't going to"
Other than that nice piece. Anything with war and anything similar automatically captures my interest. But, seriously is this in the future? I find holivision very catchy.
Haha! That's great! I love it, I really do. It's such a good way to introduce a reader to your world, while not sounding "tell-y" or whatever we call it. It definitely got me interested, mostly due to the great use of voice in the letter. And I want to know why they all want to kill Susana. So yeah, really great prologue. Keep writing!