Published May 11, 2010
**I just started writing this. *shrugs* Rated for mild cursing 
**
January 1, 2016
So here I am writing this, just like the stupid therapist told me to. Of course, give the suicidal girl a pretty pink notebook, tell her to write in it every day like it's some diary you write your crushes in and everything will be fine. I mean, it's not like I'm crazy or something. I'm just so bored of life. There really isn't any point to it. Religion is bullshit. History is bullshit. The future is bullshit. Everything just sucks. I'm not one of those religious psychos who kill themselves thinking that they're going straight to heaven or someone who's going to suicide bomb someplace for like 100 virgins or some crap like that. I'm just bored.
January 2, 2016
This “treatment center” is so boring. Gosh. I'm starting to regret my attempt at death. At least when I was home I could watch TV or something. Here it's like the only thing you can do is eat with only a spoon (so us mentals locked up in here won't cut ourselves), sleep or go to group therapy and sob about our lives. The people here are mad wacky. There's one girl who like whispers about flowers and mermaids and stuff. She was supposed to be my “buddy” so I could get used to life at the Greendrift Treatment Center but I was a little scared of her and got used to it on my own. What kind of name is that anyway? Greendrift? Sounds like a hippie convention. Oh, look the nurse is here. Time for therapy. Fun, fun , fun.
January 3, 2016
This isn't working. I'm still really bored. Therapy today was horrendous. The crazy mermaid girl had a breakdown and the guards carried her out screaming about how the mermaids were going to save her. Another inmate-oops I mean “resident” told me she tried to drown herself at the beach. Figures. Well it's time to get my zombie pill. When are these doctors are going to realize that the drugs aren't working?
January 4, 2016
Well I seemed to have made a friend. Yup. Very surprising, I know. His name is Arnold. And wouldn't you know it! He also tried to kill himself! Well, with a name like that, anyone would try to kill themselves. Now we have two things in common, we hate this freaking place and we both tried to kill ourselves. This may be the start of a bea-u-tiful friendship. Another one of the residents had a meltdown today. This guy was a true psycho, he tried to like kill himself by stabbing himself like 30 times or something. People like that give Greendrift a bad name. No actually the founder did! Haha. Bad pun. You can just ignore that...
January 5, 2010
Well. I think I just might die from boredom. There really isn't anything to do here. God damn it, I hate my parents. Of course, they'd be oh so willing to drag me here at the very beginning of the year. For my “New Years Resolution”. I'm cooped up in a funny farm while my parents and sister are having yacht parties. That's definitely fair. Screw you, mom and dad.
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140,843 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Though there were various things I could go after, the other reviewers seem to have caught them for me. What I really want to zoom in on is that, as a whole, this chapter doesn't have a "hook". The narrator remains bitter and bored throughout; nothing really suggests there's anything developing or happening except maybe her new friend. Definitely, expanding on this would help. It has much potential, especially with your sense of humor (I especially liked the bit about Arnold's name,) but there's so little to go off of right now!
I liked this. It was very fast paced. The only suggestion I'd have for you would be to put more emotion into it. It's all telling, there's no showing.
Okay, this is WritingWords with the super-fast review you requested!
First, I have absolutely no idea what happened to the main character. No idea. You know how it feels to be left in the blank while reading? It's kind of annoying and frustating to the reader. Nobody likes blanks in their brains. And, I can't picture anything. There's no descriptions of the cell, the people, the therapy. How can this be? Again, a blank.
Second, one moment the main character is depressed. The next moment, she's thinking about beautiful friendships. I mean, how can a person's mind change feelings so fast? Make it seem more real by having the character adjust to a friend, not liking him super-fast.
Third, what's the name of the main character? What does she look like? Again, no information! Not to be mean, but these are the kind of stories where I read them, and then forget them in one minute. That's what happens when you don't paint a vivid picture! It's annoying to me. I suggest you revise it and TAKE your time. Please. Add descriptions. I might give it another try.
PM me with any questions or visit my topic!
hi. okay, that was lame. let's try again. hi. that's better. ok, basically ditto to these reviewers. good story, but too depressing.
Hi.
Just thought I'd review your chapter today.
First off, the thing I noticed right off is that the character is very...well, bitter and overly angst-filled. I can honestly say I've never met a person who acts this way, what with being angry all the time. In the next chapter, show a little diversity in emotions. Now, she doesn't have to be happy, as I can't imagine any would be in her situation, but she can be upset, lonely...
Comma after like.
Comma after "No."
I believe Oh-so-willing should be written like that...
It's an okay start. I mean, it's not terrible. You got the feeling of the main character's mind across for sure, but I'm going to along with the "show, not tell" boat. That's essential for any sort of writing, even in diary format.
Oh, and also,I am quite interested in the mermaid-girl. She seems like she could be promising character perhaps?
Hi Jasmine. Why you didn't PM me or dropped a request? Please, do it the next time you write anything.
Diary of confessions.
Suicide Watch(you used that)
Attempt of/to suicide(just popped into my mind)
I liked this!First for the title, I think that you should change that to something more short and more attractive. Notice, that most of the novels' titles are short quotes or word/phrases, so that the message is conveyed in less numbers and the reader does't need an aspirin.
I might suggest this:
Straight to review now:
What's this whispers?
I liked the cursing and sarcasm here.
Something about this sentence just doesn't seem t be working for me. What I get from this sentence is that you want to say that the guards were screaming that how mermaids were going to save her. Just try to rephrase it. And also, its just too long for my liking.
So many 'are' just blew off my mind. Sorry for the language!
We won't be using commas this time, a semi-colon but. Other way to write this sentence is like this;
Now we have two things in common. First, he hates this freaking place and other...
. Again himself was repeated twice and seemed odd.
LOL! Seriously, this is so funny.
Oh, man! Is this really your piece? I mean, this was damn not like your writing. This was full of mistakes and the writing style was pretty boring. Sorry, to be rude and harsh. I think you wrote it in a haste and didn't proof-read it. Is this so?
You're using way too long sentences here. They are also oddly constructed. i think reading this piece once yourself, would help you out.
For instance: This wans't exactly long but there were hardly any commas which made it seem long.
Also, you were using one word three-three times in a sentence which is just not the way. We should find an alternative for it. Like in the stabbing himself by....(Some sentence like this)
You have a pretty good grammar on other things you write, but here I found many silly mistakes. Try to avoid them while you can!
And as Hawkie said you're just telling rather than showing. That gets really boring, you know! You should describe how the walls look of her prison, for instance. Tell how the mermaid girl looks, the Arthur guy etc. And try to make the diary entry longer if that's possible according to the story and describe her day in more length. People tend to write more things than this in their diary.
Now I am too pricky
I liked the cursing part and heavy usage of sarcasm here. She's too funny and rude, at the same time. To write such a piece, full of sarcasm is very tough. So hats off to you, if you are able to pull it out nicely.
Other thing is that this wans;t at all complicated and tough to understand like other stories with this kind of plot usually are. Good!
I won;t say it was very good or good also but an average piece. You should get in some good reviewers to review for you. That would be a help! Sorry, if you found me harsh. Sorry!
VERDICT:
Hello there! You asked and you shall receive!
like here for example. Kind of gives a bad impression of her.I like the idea that you have here, even though people above me said the whole 'Rehab' thing is very overdone. The thing is though, just like everyone else said, these are very vague entries. They seem like a list of things that she did, with her spiteful remarks. Occasionally, she just whines a lot:
Also, for someone who is clinically depressed, this sounded a bit too cheery.
It's just my opinion that she should be a bit on the pessimistic side. If you're happy with it though, then that's fine.
So, the MC needs to be developed, the plot needs to be developed, and for that you need dialogue and you need detail. Then, maybe your plot will come through clearly and we'll be able to understand it a little better.
On a positive note, this does sound like it could be a really good read once you put a bit more effort into it! Keep writing =)
Apple is here to fufil the promise she made to all those who ask!
I'm gonna start with, you need to add length to all of these. I think you could've done a page on each. I think you are really lacking some information that I think is really needed to make this potential story really shine.
Another problem I found, was the amount of commars you use within your text. I cannot blame you, I do the exact same thing though I believe you really could've added some full stops in here and take out rather a lot of those commars. (This only relates to the first entry)
On an overall, I believe this really has a lot of potential! I believe, if you just add length it will not only be a lot more interesting and a lot more compelling! For now, this is really good.
Hey Jas!
Well Hawkie's right about the all telling, little showing, and you might want to work on that. But I rather like what you have here so far, it's got a very distinct voice to it, even if it is very angsty and bitter. I like the kind of sarcastic tone she has, and I assume you'll probably add more to her character and her back story as this progresses and she opens up to her emotions. I would like a little more description about the mermaid girl right now though, I want to know what makes her seem freaky to the MC and stuff like that. I liked it though, good job!
Keep writing!
~Hope
Hi! I'm Hawkie, and I'll be your reviewer today.
You have an interesting premise here. There are a lot of teen rehab stories, but if you make the plot your own, you'll be fine.
Here are my suggestions:
First of all, I don't like your format. It's all telling, no showing. "Today, this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened . . ." Try showing it through description and dialogue instead. You can still use the diary format, but you need to flesh it out. Show her trying to kill herself. Show her in therapy. Show her meeting Arnold and the mermaid girl.
Second of all, your narrator is underdeveloped. The only emotion she shows throughout the whole story is the same angsty, bitter anger. Wouldn't she have more confused emotions? She could be sad sometimes, shaken up sometimes, even thoughtful and calm on occasion. Also, I'd like to know why she tried to kill herself. What is her backstory? Etc, etc, etc.
I enjoyed reading this. PM me if you have any questions.
-Hawkie-