Published June 13, 2010
....
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,605 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Wow I really like this piece! You did a great job planting a picture in the readers mind. My only suggestions are in the parentheses below.
Poison kisses that taste so sweet
Pull up his shirt
Bolt the door
Slide down my skirt (Period)
Hands tangle in his hair
Class has been let out (Class has been released)
But I stay for extra credit
Our sins are tantalizing (Period)
I shiver at his touch
My hearts pounds to a beat (...My heart pounds a steady beat)
Only the Devil could dance to (I really like this description!)
I whisper my love (I whisper to my love)
A+ student in everything (A+ student in everyway)
Essays and tests are shoved aside
I am Snow White
And he is the ruby red apple
He seduces me
A demon in disguise
This is what happens after class
Notre Amour Inerdit
All right good job! Sorry if the review seems weak I really wanted to help you out, because I love your poetry. Thanks for posting
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Almost 3am and on a roll, so I'm noooot sleeping!!
Hope don't like rhymes when the whole poem doesn't rhyme, it ruins the flow.I really don't think the last part really fits, the rest I love though. It reminds me of this song.
I like this only I think instead of Snow White, maybe Eve instead?
God I can feel myself losing my coherency, and I feel like I just say the same thing in every review xD
But I think this could use a little work, but it's one of your better poems you've written in my opinion. I really liked the
subject you chose for it, very taboo and it works really well.
So I'm off to more of your stuff!
~Hope
I don't normally like to read about a teacher-student affair (unless it's not much of an age difference.)
But I kind of enjoyed this.
I'd love to learn french. Well that's it from me. I hope I get to read more from you.
~Ladypurple.
holy flipper that's steamy yet so amazing! It really gives you a visual idea of what's going on!
Hey jasmine,
Don't worry about people who mistake poetry for reality, or narrators for authors. I think this was brave material to take on, and I think you did pretty well with it, although it could be vastly improved. The first stanza is pretty shocking (in a good way) and a great way to start, although the first line itself is pretty lacklustre.
Unfortunatly, though, your biggest problem is after the shock has fallen away, there's not much of a poem left. You've sort of built the whole thing on "oh my god, this is about teacher/student sex" but when you actually look at the lines, thy're loose and disconnected, unpunctuated and repetitive. I think you could have done a lot better job with the idea. LastPaladin is right when he says you could be more subtle in your approach. I, however, quite like how full-frontal you are with it, but I think you could be more outrageous, more crazy, and yes some more imagery to really make this the good poem it deserves to be.
This is really shocking to read, I only had to read it once and I understood it. Though I did not like what the poem was about ,a teacher and student affair. It is a non- rhyming poem but is still good, you won't understand it you had rhymed it.
I'm LastPaladin and I read this twice so far, before never figured I'd review but after reading it again. I think I shall. This is great, but it would work better if ya elaborated subtly. See could make this more a one shot and link it to loss of innocence. There a poem by Carol Anne Duffy which has similar themes, she's a good writer to read if you consider trying this to the best. Because I see potential for more here. You've a foundation here, but what you need is more stone, more cement. Unlock those themes.
This is by far your most powerful stanza. And it shows, my suggestion is you touch on it here, but go further, this needs more. You've began the story, the audience are hooked now give us a sending off we won't forget. I can't ignore what you can do here, on it's own it seen but soon forgotten but with some reading and few more stanzas it could truly shine.
Poem Here That's the Poem I think you should read, similar themes and she writing from experiences in life.
Hope this helps.
^ I'm not having sex with any of my teachers. Dude, I'm 13. It's just a poem. I've written poems about bulimic suicidal people and I've never forced myself to throw up. It's called fiction for a reason.
our forbidden love...c'est notre amour interdit...avec un 't'. I do hope this teacher, you sleep with per say, is not that of your french teacher.
also. i find your lines disjointed. and the metaphor of snow white and the goldon apple does not collate. snow white ate a red apple and died until true loves first kiss woke her. perhaps he is your english teacher? you should not let him distract you so. your grades will suffer and at 13 you can not afford to substitute knowledge for sex.
hello jasmine.
i like this, how you used figures of speech. i most especially liked the last line, no doubt.
however, i think this will be much better if you keep the rhythm and adjust the number of syllables.
my opinion, of course, but overall, this is nice.
-telle.
"Our Forbidden Love"
And yes, you got it right xD
Woah! Steamy~
If I'm reading this correctly, it's about an affair between a teacher and a student, right?
Well, I liked it! I'm not exactly a poetry expert, but I didn't see anything wrong.
What does 'Notre Amour Inerdit' mean, just out of curiosity?