.

by Jas
  • February 3, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Other

To Hope (BondGirl007)
:

Spoiler! :
You don't have to review this

Spoiler! :
I'd like it if you would review this though. I mean you're already here.

Spoiler! :
Why are you reading this?



He's dead,
gone.
an eager little boy playing dress-up in Daddy's clothes
innocent, naive or maybe just unwilling to accept the world.

She's shaking now,
the most nauseuting, unbearable pain,
a scream of
PleaseGodnoanythingbuthtatpleasepleasepleasemakeitnottrue
caught in her throat

He had set his shoulders
and defeaned his ears
to her pleades and protests;
determined to prove his strength.

She can't even cry.
Her tears lost
in the same void where lost dreams go to die-
where he went to die

Life went on
but she died with him
a facade of bright smiles and a too loud laugh
fools everyone into thinking she's not empty

And she wakes up on time,
and goes to work
and showers then sleeps,
like any normal living person

But he's dead,
gone
and nothing she does will bring him back.


Spoiler! :
I dunno how I feel about this. I wrote it about ten minutes ago, had some pasta and decided to post it on YWS. Ehh, I don't think I like it much

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Jas
Comment
Jas commented · Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:27 pm

Thanks Jash and Hope!

User avatar
BondGirl007
Review
BondGirl007 wrote a review · Thu Feb 03, 2011 6:05 am

To Jas:

Spoiler
I don't want to review this.


Spoiler
But I would really like it if I didn't have to review this. I'm already tired of you.


Spoiler
Because I am



He set his shoulders
and defeaned his ears
to her cries, pleades and protests;
determined to prove his strength.
Who are you talking about here? Her father? Or the dead brother? I don't even know if it IS her brother this is about, I assume that it is though.

She can't even cry.
Her tears lost
in the same void where lost dreams go to die-
where he went to die
In the last stanza you said he ignored her cries? CONFUSION.

But overall I really couldn't feel the emotion in it, which is sad because this poem is all about emotion. It's just that I feel like I've read these descriptions over and over again. The inability to cry, the feeling of wanting to scream, it's just all overdone. Try telling it in a more original way, use metaphors, deeper description and symbolism.

Good luck.

~Hope

User avatar
Jashael
Review
Jashael wrote a review · Thu Feb 03, 2011 4:14 am

1. Yes, I know I don't have to.

2. Really? So you'd like me? :D

3. I have no idea. I saw you at my feed? LOL I should stop following you. HAHA...kidding.

Dear Jas, I'm Jash, and I'm not so sure if I've given you a review before. I'm obliged though to review at least once those who are following me. Here it goes:

4. Nah. You'll like it when you get to edit it.

LOL where's my review? HAHa...I couldn't understand it. O_o Sarreh. I feel like you should edit this a bit more before it's ready for review. Its tone was informal, yet its theme seems serious. So, I really don't know what to say. And it's untitled -- for now. Sarreh for the worthless review. HAHA... I'm weird.

~ A. Jash ♥



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