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by Jas

Published June 7, 2010

deleted.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
silented1
Review
silented1 wrote a review Review · Jun 7, 2010

jasminebells wrote:Silence at night,
might give you a fright.
When every thing is quiet
during the dark night This is veryyy forced rhyme, try not to do so.

But when the stars shine,
they make it bright;
Because the stars make This is veryyyy redundent.And kinda seems like it was described a child.. Sorry.
the shiny light

In the middle of the night, The ryhme issue is here again and well, there's no imagery, you're telling us, talking to us, not with us.
you stare at the stars
you feel the nice breeze
and you see part of Mars

You hear the leaves move with the breeze
As they silently move through the tall trees

But when you wake up in the middle of the night when weren't we awake...?
When everything is quiet,
And might give you a fright
During the dark night as it may seem
But feeling and hearing the woosh of the trees. you broke your rhyme! Although it was okay, since it was forced, yay yay.
You may want to reword this and rearrange it, so that it makes more sense and gives more of a lively feeling, like it starts off with waking up, you know?


Again, don't let rhyme force your poetry, poems do not need to rhyme.

As for your friend, they should make an account here, if they want to post. =) I am pretty sure they'll be welcomed.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

User avatar
ziggiefred
Review
ziggiefred wrote a review Review · Jun 7, 2010

Hello there
Well, I am going to be very honest. This poem does not really tell a story. I don't feel anything. It is like reading a bunch of facts in a textbook. There is no flow or connection of the ideas, and everything is just disjointed for me.
The first paragraph though had something going.

Silence at night,
might give you a fright.
When every thing is quiet
during the dark night

This is a great start. But then after that everything sort of went down hill. I did not get the overall message of the poem. The rhyming also started to become forced, so to speak. I think your friend should definitely read more poetry and also keep on writing because there is definitely some potential here.



Maybe the real Mariah Carey was the friends we made along the way
— Ravena