Editing Notes: I am redrafting Akven's speech patterns to more accurately portray his level of intelligence, as per request.
Preface
This is a novel I have been working on for nearly a year. As of recently, I have been incrementally editing the various chapters at my leisure, preparing to present them as a final project. As part of said final project, I am releasing the chapters on YWS so that I can hopefully receive some reviews. This is basically raw content that I have edited (briefly). I am hoping that I edited it thoroughly enough so there aren't any too prominent grammatical errors.
Readers should be aware that some portions of this chapter have been cut. I have done my best to connect everything up, so it shouldn't be a problem. Most of the formatting should be fine, but there may be some cases where it's messed up.
Chapter One
Awaiting The Storm
At the edge of the cliff, the water lapped gently. A roaring storm was brewing in the distance, patiently waiting for its chance to claim a life or two.
Captain Storbook was reluctant to leave the island they currently inhabited in hopes of reaching the docks at Castle Iberian before nightfall, simply because he had seen the damage such storms could cause, and did not underestimate the power of the water. It was a code he lived by.
Three nights previous, Atlen, the chef, had fallen ill with a sickness. They had survived on meager wares the hours since, and the crew was irritable and mutinous. They hadn’t seen a fine diner for almost a week in its entirety, and now, Captain Storbook’s resolve was wearing down thin, very thin indeed. At Iberian, where the king had wished them lucky travels and supplied them with food and other wares, the storm had been just a thin line on the horizon. Hastily, they had bid their way into the ocean once more, to find themselves on an island Torr (the scribe) called Utt Rifomo, “The Basket” in the old language. Since, they had seen the storm do naught but sit there gently, and their reluctance to enter the sea was abating. Their tormentor, the sea itself, glanced wistfully at them as they bade their arguments.
Torr said, “We cannot enter the sea in this state. If we do, surely we shall perish.”
Whereas, Yuen, the navigator, claimed, “Aye, but if we don’t get moving soon, we’ll be stuck upon this dratted island for months, maybe even years.”
Captain Storbook shook his head impatiently. “Weeks, at the most. It is best to remain here. If we lose the ship, then we shall lose our lives as well”
Torr nodded vigorously. “We need not leave this island. It has plenty of food and we shall sleep rest assured we shall not be interrupted. I have declared this island virtually silent and empty, emptier than the goblets King Hasche drinks from every night.”
“Then we shall stay.” Captain Storbook declared.
Yuen laughed bitterly, “Stay and mark our graves, indeed.”
“You dare speak against my word, Yuen?” Captain Storbook demanded, his anger bubbling beneath a surface he barely retained. His temper was legendary, second only to his ability to hold a crew inline, partially fueled by his temper, and perhaps, his justness.
“Forgive me, Captain, but of what food source does our scribe reference? I have seen none thus far, and our wares are scarce.” Yuen said, unwilling to yield. Seeing this, the Captain smiled.
“We will, I declare, manage. We are not babies. We are traders. The most skilled navigators of the ocean who ever walked these lands, and sailed these seas. Whether we live or die is of no concern. May the storm take my life, may it leave it in my hands. May I suffer of starvation, or prosper.” Captain Storbook proclaimed, frowning.
Yuen bowed and retreated, hands up in a sign of surrender. “I give up. I see now we have no choice. We will live, of that, I am sure.”
Captain Storbook smiled and said,
“Gather the men, then. We must build shelter…our luck is not out yet. We have found an island that will house us. When this storm has had its due, then we make way to Castle Iberian. Our injuries, if there are any, can be treated there. Our supplies should last till then, I suppose.”
That night, as cold settled into the island, they sat round a fire, bantering.
“Your words our true and fair. Now, should we not arm ourselves, lest the animals decide upon themselves to make a meal out of us?” Torr conceded, nodding.
“Make way to the ship in the morning, and with five men, retrieve a long sword for every man. If the animals do come calling, we shall be ready.” Captain Storbook said.
“Of course.” Torr said, peering into the darkness.
“They will come…or something worse.” Akven, a simple crew member, said. He was highly superstitious and because of it, irritating to the Captain, as Captain Storbook didn’t uphold such nonsense.
“What is worse than ravenous tigers, bears and whatnot?” Torr demanded, annoyed. He too had little place for superstitious nonsense.
“The Uthidagva. With claws as sharp as swords, his wits sharper still, and teeth that can shred bone to bits. I've heard about it living around these parts…Monty, the old man, says it hides in the trees, waiting for its prey. Stalking ‘em, I heard.” Akven said, his eyes wide.
“Nonsense.” Torr said, barking a harsh laugh.
“I’ve heard of this Uthidagva.” Captain Storbook stated, quietly.
“Have you?” Torr inquired, bemused.
“The Uthidagva will have his way. Don't you ignore him!” Akven cried. He peered around the woods nervously before paying attention once more to the Captain.
“The Uthidagva is a myth, a fairy tale for small children. Are you a small child, son?” Captain Storbook interjected, frowning at Akven.
“No, sir, but I know the Uthidagva is as real as day.” Akven said carefully.
“Ah, well, how is that?” Torr demanded, frowning.
“I saw ‘em. Years ago. In the forest. I’d swear it on my life.” Akven said promptly.
“Ah, well how would you just happen to know what this Uthidagva actually looks likes?” Torr inquired, amused.
“My father saw ‘em too. Said he looked just like he did in the paintings and the descriptions…I saw ‘em, and there isn't much else to it.” Akven explained, frowning.
“I suppose you've never seen these ‘descriptions’ or ‘paintings’, son?” Captain Storbook inquired.
“I haven't seen them. They're all locked away, aren't they?" Akven replied.
“It is clear, then, I bid you no offense, your father was lying.” Torr concluded.
“Lying? He would not lie to me!” Akven protested.
“You are young and ignorant. The Uthidagva does not exist. That is the way it is.” Captain Storbook said.
“Don't say that! If he was to hear you…” Akven muttered harshly.
“Say he does come, then we, together I mean, shall slay him. He is but one creature that haunts the night.” Captain Storbook said, smiling.
“One of many.” Torr added. “I, personally, am more concerned with the lions and other meat-eaters who would seek to consume me, not the figments of imagination drawn up by wayward dreamers.”
“My father was no wayward dreamer, fool! He was an honorable man.” Akven exclaimed, jumping from his log angrily.
“Watch your tongue, Akven.” Captain Storbook warned.
“You, you all wrong!” Akven whispered, sitting back down on the log.
“Calm down, son. Nothing out there is going to skin you alive whilst we are here.” Captain Storbook said.
“So, anyways, where has my crew gone off to?” Captain Storbook inquired, for it was just him, Torr, and Akven sitting round the fire.
“They are sleeping, sir. Exhaustion has tried them hard, sir.” Akven answered, frowning.
“They will able in the morning, yes…perhaps we too should make our way to our comfortable beds. It grows darker by the minute…” Captain Storbook said.
“We have to plan, Captain…foremost, how we are to weather this storm and protect our ship and its cargo.” Torr advised, frowning.
Captain Storbook mentally winced. Thus far, to a degree, he had successfully pushed the thought from his mind.
“Ah, I have considered many options. We may have no choice but to send it aground, if not to keep it out of the treacherous waters. With enough effort, I consider, we will be able to push it back into the sea when we need to depart. We can do our best to secure the ship…and that…well that is all that we can do.” Captain Storbook said, sadly.
“Run the ship aground?” Torr repeated, stunned. “How will we ever manage to place it back in the water, Captain?”
“We will have to try...the water is rough around these cliffs, and in a storm, any ship exposed to such conditions would soon be destroyed…” Captain Storbook said, frowning.
“Let us begin in the morning, then.” Torr said, frowning. “It will take a very long time, I suppose, to seal the ship.”
Captain Storbook nodded. “That it will.”
"Do you think it will work?" Torr asked.
"I can't be sure." Captain Storbook said, frowning. "We can only hope."
End of chapter
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hi there!
First off, I'd like to compliment you on your dialogue. In the description of this chapter, you said that this would be about kingdoms and a dictator and all that. So I'm assuming that this story takes place in old times. And this is definitely how I would imagine people speaking back then. It's so formal and considerate. I felt weird reading it to be honest, but it's very realistic. Let me rephrase that. I felt weird reading it 'cause I'm so used to reading dialogue where people talk like they do now a days. To read dialogue that is realistic to a time period years and years earlier is quite different. Keep up the good work with your dialogue.
There's an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter. On one hand it's nice because the characters are basically telling the story. Which is nice because it gives the narrator, or the writer, a break. They can just sit back and let the characters take control. On the other hand though, there's a lot we miss out on. What does the ship look like? What does it look like when the storm is rolling in? I find that you're missing out on so much imagery and emotion. There's so much potential here! I hate to see you not take advantage.
You've got a solid start here. I find myself really interested in these characters and how they're going to fare during the storm. Since this is the first chapter, I don't have anything to comment on your plot of anything. I'll be focusing on that in later chapters. Also, I'll focus on character development a little later on. Right now you just have a bunch of characters that are in the story. We'll learn more about them as the novel progresses.
Guess I'll go check out Chapter 2 now. Tootles for now.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Here's my excuse for not going into detail on the ship. The fact is, I don't know anything about ships. I couldn't tell you the exact details, and I feel like if I'm not going to be more specific, it's just a poor attempt to describe something I don't understand well. Yes, I was going to add more about the storm but I just wanted to get this edited so I could prepare it for my project. I'm excited that I've gotten three reviews on this so far. I was hoping to have at least two reviews so I could improve it. Thanks for reviewing!
I was going to review this, but seeing that you've already received three. I will move onto the next too, regarding to the ships. You actually do want to so a bit of research on them, because detail is important as an asset to make a story as realistic and accurate as possible.
Greetings Jarred
First of all I have to mention that I like the title. It intrigued me from the moment I saw it, and it has made my imagination run wild.
Okay, let us start with the review. First things first: Grammar. Overall this piece is very well-written and contains little grammatical errors. I have to agree with Crunchman99 that you overuse the phrase "said, frowning" in the last few lines, but that is something that will take long to change. I also have to agree that you have to change the style in which each individual speaks to fit with their education, social status, etc.
Next: Vocabulary. This piece shows that you have a vast vocabulary, and I applaud you for that.
And finally, the plot. I enjoyed the story thus far, and can't wait to read what happens next. Your descriptive talents are superb (especially concerning the Uthidagva), and also carry a lot of symbolism (In my opinion). I do not know if you intended it like that, but the brooding storm symbolizes trouble in the near future of the tale.
This is the quality I expect a first chapter to be, thus I am rating this piece 7.5 out of ten. Continue writing, my young companion!
Sincerely
The Wandering Wizard
Yes, the symbolism was intended. I'm glad you caught it. Admittedly, it's not very obscure, but still.
I have officially changed how Akven speaks to reflect on his intelligence.
The overall story of the piece is a sound one, and the banter between the crew is very entertaining. The way that the Uthidagva is portrayed is very well-written, since, logically, one would come to the conclusion that the beast isn't real due to Storbrook's rationalization that Akven's father lied to him, perhaps in the same way that parents lie to their children about Santa to keep them in line. However, knowing that myths in stories like this are often true to give the plot conflict, I can't help but wonder if the creature actually exists or not. Very well done! It's hard to capture devices like that in writing.
There are a few minor grammar mistakes, and the last few lines overuse the phrase "(blank) said, frowning".
1. "Captain Storbrook said, frowning." 2. "Torr said, frowning." 3. "Captain Storbrook said, frowning."
The dialogue is a bit clunky in a few select parts (Akven, a regular, uneducated sailor, saying "have not" without using a contraction strikes me as a bit odd), but there's nothing that can't be easily fixed.
Keep up the good work - I can see a lot of potential in this piece, so don't get discouraged.
I agree with everything you have said. Incidentally, I added that last 'frowning' right before I posted this. Sometimes I have issues with limiting myself to realistic grammatical usage for less intelligent characters in my novels. I am very used to writing dialogue for highly intelligent characters (many of my short stories and novels revolve around very intelligent characters), so I sometimes give uneducated characters unlikely articulation abilities. I will make some changes tonight. I plan on releasing the next chapter soon. Hopefully, you'll review that as well. Don't worry, though, I won't get discouraged. I've been writing for a very long time, and because of it, understand that I make plenty of mistakes in writing. Sometimes very obvious ones. It's the hazard of writing.