I just wrote this poem, so it might need some work. I may be reading this for forensics if y'all(lol) like it. Suggestions are very much welcome! :)
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Growing apart, like the clouds in the sky.
I’m reaching out, but I don’t know why.
You are gone, forever gone,
And here I must remain.
-
Once upon a time, I knew you well.
I loved you much, but I couldn’t tell.
Now you are gone, forever gone,
And here I must remain.
-
My lips are sealed with wasted time.
Smiles, getting harder to find.
Because you are gone, forever gone,
And here I must remain.
-
The bitter sweetness of love remains.
My sanity, I must maintain.
But it’s hard when you’re gone, forever gone,
And here I must stay.
Like the clouds in the sky, I am slowly turning grey.
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Hello Janay!
I will be reviewing your poem for you today.
My only nitpick. I know you said you wanted to keep this line. If you do, change grey-gray. Grey is the British spelling, so it's not wrong but neither is the American one, and it flows better with the -ay ending of stay.
That is, if you decide to keep that line. I personally didn't think it jived with the rest of your poem.
someone noted that the first line was a cliche. I don't believe in cliches and I still agree with them, in mt own wordy way. I feel like the purpose of this stanza is to have the phrase "now you are gone, forever gone, and here I must remain" happen three times before you change the ending on us. Because this stanza says nothing. She knew him, she loved him, she couldn't tell (tell who, what, why?)
It seems like those first two lines should be redone, to me.
Take my advice or leave it.
Lots of love, hope you're enjoying school as much as me (hahaha)
keep rhyming.
The universe
very beautiful! i love how it was full of emotion AND it flowed well. i also have to agree with you. i like how it is. i don't think you should change it. also if you'd read this for forensics, remember you're going to have to put hand motions and things like that while you read, so i don't know if this piece is the best for forensics. yet it's all up to you. Again, i love this poem and merry Christmas!
Thanks everyone! I will consider your advice, though I do rather like it like this. Merry Christmas! :D
I thought this poem was beautiful. The imagery was superb.
Many people feel lonely at one point or another in life, and I think most people can relate to your poem. Well done.
However, I'd follow through with the advice that other members have given you. Just polish up the rough edges, and it will be worthy of publication!
The poem was really good. Using the lines
made the poem a refreshing read. Keep it up. Merry Christmas.Hey! So overall I really enjoyed this poem. It was very easy to read and the lines connected well. I agree with the line "And here I must stay" sounding a bit awkward. Honestly, I think it would work fine/ better if you finished the pattern and left it as remain (which would help the rhymes of that stanza). Also, the second stanza seems a bit out of place. The other three stanzas have great metaphorical openings, especially the third stanza! This one comes off a bit too cliche though (although I do love cliche when used appropriately). I think it could even work if you just said "Once, I knew you well" or something like that. I didn't understand the second line. I think if you revised those two lines this could be a fantastic poem though!
Can't wait to read more soon! =]
Thanks for the reply! I get what you mean. I thought that too, but I already put "remain" in the same phrase so it sounded weird. Then I found a way to end it that worked by changing it :)
*Claps* beautiful!
Just one thing:
"And here I must stay"
Darn, and here I thought I had the pattern figured out. I liked the pattern, which was what I was looking at for the most part, but then you say this, and I can't decide if it should stay the same or not. I thought it would sound better if it stayed the same, and then that very last line was put in there, I dunno. I liked the last line, don't get me wrong, but its like science, only change one variable at a time.