Young Writers Society

Hello Janay!
I will be reviewing your poem for you today.

Janay82 wrote:And here I must stay.
Like the clouds in the sky, I am slowly turning grey.

Janay82 wrote:Once upon a time, I knew you well.
I loved you much, but I couldn’t tell.
Now you are gone, forever gone,
And here I must remain.

very beautiful! i love how it was full of emotion AND it flowed well. i also have to agree with you. i like how it is. i don't think you should change it. also if you'd read this for forensics, remember you're going to have to put hand motions and things like that while you read, so i don't know if this piece is the best for forensics. yet it's all up to you. Again, i love this poem and merry Christmas!

Thanks everyone! I will consider your advice, though I do rather like it like this. Merry Christmas! :D

I thought this poem was beautiful. The imagery was superb. Many people feel lonely at one point or another in life, and I think most people can relate to your poem. Well done.

However, I'd follow through with the advice that other members have given you. Just polish up the rough edges, and it will be worthy of publication!

The poem was really good. Using the lines

You are gone, forever gone,
And here I must remain.

Hey! So overall I really enjoyed this poem. It was very easy to read and the lines connected well. I agree with the line "And here I must stay" sounding a bit awkward. Honestly, I think it would work fine/ better if you finished the pattern and left it as remain (which would help the rhymes of that stanza). Also, the second stanza seems a bit out of place. The other three stanzas have great metaphorical openings, especially the third stanza! This one comes off a bit too cliche though (although I do love cliche when used appropriately). I think it could even work if you just said "Once, I knew you well" or something like that. I didn't understand the second line. I think if you revised those two lines this could be a fantastic poem though!
Can't wait to read more soon! =]

Thanks for the reply! I get what you mean. I thought that too, but I already put "remain" in the same phrase so it sounded weird. Then I found a way to end it that worked by changing it :)

*Claps* beautiful!
Just one thing:
"And here I must stay"
Darn, and here I thought I had the pattern figured out. I liked the pattern, which was what I was looking at for the most part, but then you say this, and I can't decide if it should stay the same or not. I thought it would sound better if it stayed the same, and then that very last line was put in there, I dunno. I liked the last line, don't get me wrong, but its like science, only change one variable at a time.