I wrote this on Tuesday after being inspired by reading some Edgar Allen Poe. The reason I need this reviewed soon is because I am thinking about reading it for Forensics(public speaking group). I want to know just your thoughts on it. Do you think it's too personal to read to a bunch of people? It would be nice to have a few reviews or even stars by the Monday meeting :)
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I sit idle, in my never ending solitary, as it has always been.
By now, I have stopped questioning why I live in this dark world.
But what is this?
A luminescent figure is coming down from above.
An angel perhaps,
Here to save me from the deep crevice that is my abode?
Is thou sent from God?
This kind of inhumanly beauty comes from Heaven.
Immaculacy, everlasting comfort.
At last my savior has come!
A gentile, yet secure hand grabs my frail bones,
And we rise to a world I have never known.
Perhaps I trust too willingly, or too soon.
I will never know.
For thy hand loses its grasp all at once.
I am utterly dismayed.
I look to thou for an answer, but there is nothing in thine eyes.
No love, as there was in mine.
No, is in mine.
I will always love thee for giving me just a moment in felicity.
I descend farther into the same crevice, only deeper than before,
Deeper than they will ever find me.
My bones, my everything is destroyed.
Except my love,
Which still burns with an intensity that it invincible.
But I understand.
How could something so impeccable, so seraphic as you,
Love someone like me?
Impractical.
After all, I have been impaired beyond repair from the start.
To fix me would be more of a hassle than it’s worth.
But I am not without a slight hope.
Someday, maybe someone shall care enough to be
My true savior.
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Hey there!
As Hope said, you use a mixture of old and modern English. To me, the language in the poem is kind of scattered, and not very well used. Perhaps you should stick to one of the other, and make sure you know exactly how things should be phrased if you use language from a different time. It doesn't really work here.
However, I quite liked the rest of it. Not an extremely original idea, but it was quite lovely.
~Amy
You used a kind of odd mixture of old and modern English, which I found a little annoying, but at the same time I like to see that old English isn't totally dead. But you made a few mistakes with it.
I'm normally not a fan of the "I'm all alone, no one understands me" pit of despair poems, but this one has something too it...I don't mind it. Hope everything went well! Keep writingSorry this is late. Hope your meeting went well.
I think the line after this, "Is though sent from god?" says the same thing a lot quicker.
Besides that, I think it's beautiful, because it can be seen on two levels, from my vantage point. As a lament to a lover or a friend, and I like the ambiguity of it while it stills tells a story.
Great job,
Empress
Thanks so much for the review! I think I will ask my forensics coach if they think I should do it. I just really wanted to know if anyone thought i should consider it.
And about the old terms in it, I wanted to make the poem sound as if it were from another generation. I suppose I could change it, but what i'd rather do is maybe make other parts sound older as well. Do you have any idea how I might do that?
First of all, even more than I enjoyed your poem I love your signature. Just saying.
Your poem was brilliant. It seemed rather personal, but I think if you're always afraid of showing your true self you'll never be able to reach your goals. It might scary but I say go for it. It's a good poem and not too personal.
My only suggestion is that you rethink your "thee" and "thou" and "thines." They can work, I just thought they distracted from the more modern language of your poem. "Are you sent from god?" in my opinion corresponds better with your language than "is thou sent from god?" Either way it's still a great poem.
Read it at school. I would be impressed if I heard it.
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kawriter