Okay thanks. Like I said, I won't be able to work on this for a while, but all the feedback will help when I can get back to it.
Okay, so this is an excerpt from a novel I'm working on, the majority of it is a flashback. It's been pulled out from around the middle, but I don't think it will be too hard to understand what's going on. Please, be as harsh as humanly possible. This is just the first draft, so it's probably choppy.
Rated 'R' for language and sexual content.
Khrystal had been fifteen at the time, and had decided to get a summer job at Mr. Carlson’s mall. That school year she had been a freshman and James a senior. He had just graduated and needed the money badly.
Three years earlier…
Mr. Carlson came up to Khrystal, who was working behind the perfume counter. “Hey Khris, would you mind locking up with James today? I know it’s short notice, but René’s off today and I have a meeting down in Eden.”
Khrystal smiled. “Sure, no problem, Mr. Carlson. Could you phone my dad to tell him I’ll back late?”
“I’ll do that. Thanks.”
He walked off and Khrystal returned to wiping down the counter. Working for her best friend’s dad had its perks, but closing down the mall for him wasn’t one of them. Especially not with James, Khrystal thought. That guy is so creepy.
Khrystal looked around; only a couple customers were still browsing, and she called out, as cheerful as she could, a reminder that they were closing in ten minutes. An old woman in a fancy shawl came up to the counter, holding a small bottle of Shalimar. She smiled sweetly. “I’d like to check out, Darling.”
Khrystal scanned the tag and the old woman pulled forty dollars out of her wallet. “Keep the change Deary,” the woman said, and walked off clutching her little bottle of perfume. The room was empty now, which meant Khrystal could lock up. “Finally,” she breathed. The place smelled of sickeningly cloyed fragrances, and by the end of the day Khrystal was usually about ready to puke.
She turned off the lights and was pulling down the metal gate when James appeared over the top of the stairs down the hallway. He hurried up to her. His hair, like always, was messed up. His scrawny arms were shoved into his pockets and his small eyes flicked around, looking everywhere at once. His tongue flicked out every few seconds, licking his already wet lips. Khrystal had no idea why he always seemed so nervous; at school if someone had so much as called his name he’d jumped about a foot in the air.
“Hey Khrystal, I locked up the electronics and theater. Tom did almost everything else before he left. We just have to get the doors.”
Khrystal nodded curtly; James’s behavior always made her nervous. She pulled her dirty blonde hair out of its ponytail and shook her head, but stopped when she noticed James staring at her. “Okay, let’s go,” she said, a little too loud. The mall was dark, empty, and silent. Khrystal thought that was the worst part of locking up, seeing the mall like that, especially when the person you were losing with was so strange. They took the stairs instead down to the ground level. Every few minutes Khrystal, who was walking a few steps ahead, would look over her shoulder and see James staring at her. Every time he flicked his eyes away quickly and licked his lips. “I’ll get the west side; you lock all the back doors, okay?” she asked. James nodded and they split up. Khrystal was glad to be away from him.
She hurried to lock each of the doors; with any luck she could finish before James and leave. Khrystal locked the main door behind her and stepped out into the dark parking lot. Looking around, she breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t see James. He must still be in back, she thought.
“You look beautiful tonight Khrystal.”
Khrystal jumped and spun around. James was standing behind her, his hands in his pockets and a nervous smile on his lips. “Yeah, thanks for helping me close up,” she told him. “I have to go now. Okay? See you tomorrow.” She was itching to get away from those flicking eyes and that creepy smile. She started to walk away, and she could hear his footsteps behind her. In a moment he had cut in front of her, facing her. She backed up a few feet, but bumped into the wall before taking many steps. He was still coming towards her, grinning a little wider. Khrystal was starting to get scared. “James, this isn’t funny.” She tried to sound firm, but could feel her voice wavering.
James moved even closer. “Really beautiful tonight,” he murmured. The grin was gone now, and he seemed more nervous than ever. He licked his lips every couple seconds. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her by the wrists, his hands cold and clammy, and pushed her back against the wall. She tried to scream, but her throat was frozen shut; she could barely get in enough air to breathe. James was pressing against her; she could feel his breath hot on her neck. Panic had overcome her. She struggled and again tried to push past him, but his scrawny arms were surprisingly strong, and he held her back into the wall. His face was right in front of hers, and Khrystal could smell the smoke on his breath.
Tears were coming down now; Khrystal looked up at James and she was trying to get the breath to plead with him to let her go when suddenly his lips were pressing hard on hers; she could taste his sweat. His arms were around her waist, pinning her arms to her sides and locking her in place as she tried to break free or scream or at least hit him. Then, while one arm stayed around her waist, trapping her, the other wrapped around her back, the hand sliding rhythmically in and out of her jeans. She was terrified; thrashing with all her strength and trying to push him off of her.
Suddenly from behind James Khrystal heard a familiar voice saying, “Get off my sister you fucking cunt!” And several things happened in rapid succession; there was a thump, Khrystal felt the pressure on her disappear, and James was knocked and pinned to ground. Holding him down and looking furious was Khrystal’s older brother, Duncan. James was taller than Duncan, but maybe fifty pounds lighter, and Duncan had no trouble holding him down as he squirmed and thrashed on the ground.
Duncan looked up at her. “Are you okay Khris?”
“Duncan?” Khrystal asked, still dazed and her vision blurred by tears. “What are you doing here?”
“Dad told me you were closing, but you were taking too long. I knew this was a bad neighborhood, so I thought I’d come make sure you were okay.” All the while James was flailing on the ground, shouting curses at Duncan. “Go to my car and get my cell. Call the police.”
Khrystal nodded. She could see Duncan’s pick-up from here, not parked, but simply stopped in mid-row, probably in his haste to get out when he saw Khrystal’s position. She walked over to the truck, looking back every few seconds to make sure James was still pinned down and not coming after her. She was still crying as she dialed the police station’s number. A tired sounding male voice answered on the first ring.
“Hello? My name is Khrystal Thompson. I need you to send someone down to the Carlson Mall in Garland.”
“Robbery?”
“No, I’ll explain it when they get here, but please send someone.” Perhaps he heard the tears in her voice, because without asking any more questions he told her the cops were on their way. Before long the sirens could be heard, getting rapidly closer. From his position on the ground James was thrashing and screaming.
“Get off me you bastard! Soon as I get up I’ll kick your fucking ass!” He tried to land a punch, but Duncan’s size was too great, and James’s position made it hard for him to get any strength behind the blow. Within a few minutes a black-and-white pulled into the parking lot, and two officers, a man and woman, got out. Duncan looked up as they approached, and James must have noticed his lapse of attention; he heaved all his weight upwards and Duncan was forced off. In a flash, James was all over him, punching and kicking. The officers drew their guns and rushed over. In moments James was pulled off of Duncan and handcuffed.
The man helped Duncan to his feet. “Are you okay, boy?”
Duncan nodded. His nose was bleeding and there was a cut on his forehead, but otherwise he looked fine.
“I’m Officer Smith and this is my partner Officer Johnson,” The man said, pointing first to himself and then the woman.
That’s when they noticed Khrystal was crying. “What happened to her?” Johnson asked.
Speaking between sobs, Khrystal explained what had happened. “I… was asked last minute… to lock up… with James. We split up to… get… all the doors faster. I finished and... He was… right behind me. He pushed me… back into the wall… and… and…” She stopped, gasping.
James was twisting, trying to break free of Smith’s grip. “You lying little bitch! I didn’t do anything! Let me go!”
Smith jerked him back. “Not likely. How old are you kids?”
Duncan, had gone over to comfort his sister, and answered, “Me and James are eighteen, just graduated. My sister is fifteen.”
Johnson nodded. “Okay you, get in the car.” Together they stuffed James, screaming denials and curses, into the backseat. Smith got in the front seat and Johnson walked over to Duncan and Khrystal. “Will you kids be okay? Do you need a ride home?”
Duncan shook his head. “I’ve got my truck. Me and my dad can come back later for her car.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. I think we’ll be seeing you two in court for this.” She gave them a reassuring smile before getting into the squad car. Duncan waited for them to pull out of the parking lot before leading Khrystal over to his truck.
*****
So, what do you guys think?
Okay thanks. Like I said, I won't be able to work on this for a while, but all the feedback will help when I can get back to it.
.Khrystal had been fifteen at the time, and had decided to get a summer job at Mr. Carlson’s mall. That school year she had been a freshman and James a senior. He had just graduated and needed the money badly.
Three years earlier…
Mr. Carlson came up to Khrystal, who was working behind the perfume counter. “Hey Khris, would you mind locking up with James today? I know it’s short notice, but René’s off today and I have a meeting down in Eden.”
Khrystal smiled. “Sure, no problem, Mr. Carlson. Could you phone my dad to tell him I’ll back late?”
“I’ll do that. Thanks.”
He walked off and Khrystal returned to wiping down the counter. Working for her best friend’s dad had its perks, but closing down the mall for him wasn’t one of them. Especially not with James, Khrystal thought. That guy is so creepy.
Khrystal looked around; only a couple customers were still browsing, and she called out, as cheerful as she could, a reminder that they were closing in ten minutes. An old woman in a fancy shawl came up to the counter, holding a small bottle of Shalimar. She smiled sweetly. “I’d like to check out, Darling.”
Khrystal scanned the tag and the old woman pulled forty dollars out of her wallet. “Keep the change Deary,” the woman said, and walked off clutching her little bottle of perfume. The room was empty now, which meant Khrystal could lock up. “Finally,” she breathed. The place smelled of sickeningly cloyed fragrances, and by the end of the day Khrystal was usually about ready to puke.
She turned off the lights and was pulling down the metal gate when James appeared over the top of the stairs down the hallway. He hurried up to her. His hair, like always, was messed up. His scrawny arms were shoved into his pockets and his small eyes flicked around, looking everywhere at once. His tongue flicked out every few seconds, licking his already wet lips. Khrystal had no idea why he always seemed so nervous; at school if someone had so much as called his name he’d jumped about a foot in the air.
“Hey Khrystal, I locked up the electronics and theater. Tom did almost everything else before he left. We just have to get the doors.”
Khrystal nodded curtly; James’s behavior always made her nervous. She pulled her dirty blonde hair out of its ponytail and shook her head, but stopped when she noticed James staring at her. “Okay, let’s go,” she said, a little too loud. The mall was dark, empty, and silent. Khrystal thought that was the worst part of locking up, seeing the mall like that, especially when the person you were losing with was so strange. They took the stairs instead down to the ground level. Every few minutes Khrystal, who was walking a few steps ahead, would look over her shoulder and see James staring at her. Every time he flicked his eyes away quickly and licked his lips. “I’ll get the west side; you lock all the back doors, okay?” she asked. James nodded and they split up. Khrystal was glad to be away from him.
She hurried to lock each of the doors; with any luck she could finish before James and leave. Khrystal locked the main door behind her and stepped out into the dark parking lot. Looking around, she breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t see James. He must still be in back, she thought.
“You look beautiful tonight Khrystal.”
Khrystal jumped and spun around. James was standing behind her, his hands in his pockets and a nervous smile on his lips. “Yeah, thanks for helping me close up,” she told him. “I have to go now. Okay? See you tomorrow.” She was itching to get away from those flicking eyes and that creepy smile. She started to walk away, and she could hear his footsteps behind her. In a moment he had cut in front of her, facing her. She backed up a few feet, but bumped into the wall before taking many steps. He was still coming towards her, grinning a little wider. Khrystal was starting to get scared. “James, this isn’t funny.” She tried to sound firm, but could feel her voice wavering.
James moved even closer. “Really beautiful tonight,” he murmured. The grin was gone now, and he seemed more nervous than ever. He licked his lips every couple seconds. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her by the wrists, his hands cold and clammy, and pushed her back against the wall. She tried to scream, but her throat was frozen shut; she could barely get in enough air to breathe. James was pressing against her; she could feel his breath hot on her neck. Panic had overcome her. She struggled and again tried to push past him, but his scrawny arms were surprisingly strong, and he held her back into the wall. His face was right in front of hers, and Khrystal could smell the smoke on his breath.
Tears were coming down now; Khrystal looked up at James and she was trying to get the breath to plead with him to let her go when suddenly his lips were pressing hard on hers; she could taste his sweat. His arms were around her waist, pinning her arms to her sides and locking her in place as she tried to break free or scream or at least hit him. Then, while one arm stayed around her waist, trapping her, the other wrapped around her back, the hand sliding rhythmically in and out of her jeans. She was terrified; thrashing with all her strength and trying to push him off of her.
Suddenly from behind James Khrystal heard a familiar voice saying, “Get off my sister you fucking cunt!” And several things happened in rapid succession; there was a thump, Khrystal felt the pressure on her disappear, and James was knocked and pinned to ground. Holding him down and looking furious was Khrystal’s older brother, Duncan. James was taller than Duncan, but maybe fifty pounds lighter, and Duncan had no trouble holding him down as he squirmed and thrashed on the ground.
Duncan looked up at her. “Are you okay Khris?”
“Duncan?” Khrystal asked, still dazed and her vision blurred by tears. “What are you doing here?”
“Dad told me you were closing, but you were taking too long. I knew this was a bad neighborhood, so I thought I’d come make sure you were okay.” All the while James was flailing on the ground, shouting curses at Duncan. “Go to my car and get my cell. Call the police.”
Khrystal nodded. She could see Duncan’s pick-up from here, not parked, but simply stopped in mid-row, probably in his haste to get out when he saw Khrystal’s position. She walked over to the truck, looking back every few seconds to make sure James was still pinned down and not coming after her. She was still crying as she dialed the police station’s number. A tired sounding male voice answered on the first ring.
“Hello? My name is Khrystal Thompson. I need you to send someone down to the Carlson Mall in Garland.”
“Robbery?”
“No, I’ll explain it when they get here, but please send someone.” Perhaps he heard the tears in her voice, because without asking any more questions he told her the cops were on their way. Before long the sirens could be heard, getting rapidly closer. From his position on the ground James was thrashing and screaming.
“Get off me you bastard! Soon as I get up I’ll kick your fucking ass!” He tried to land a punch, but Duncan’s size was too great, and James’s position made it hard for him to get any strength behind the blow. Within a few minutes a black-and-white pulled into the parking lot, and two officers, a man and woman, got out. Duncan looked up as they approached, and James must have noticed his lapse of attention; he heaved all his weight upwards and Duncan was forced off. In a flash, James was all over him, punching and kicking. The officers drew their guns and rushed over. In moments James was pulled off of Duncan and handcuffed.
The man helped Duncan to his feet. “Are you okay, boy?”
Duncan nodded. His nose was bleeding and there was a cut on his forehead, but otherwise he looked fine.
“I’m Officer Smith and this is my partner Officer Johnson,” The man said, pointing first to himself and then the woman.
That’s when they noticed Khrystal was crying. “What happened to her?” Johnson asked.
Speaking between sobs, Khrystal explained what had happened. “I… was asked last minute… to lock up… with James. We split up to… get… all the doors faster. I finished and... He was… right behind me. He pushed me… back into the wall… and… and…” She stopped, gasping.
James was twisting, trying to break free of Smith’s grip. “You lying little bitch! I didn’t do anything! Let me go!”
Smith jerked him back. “Not likely. How old are you kids?”
Duncan, had gone over to comfort his sister, and answered, “Me and James are eighteen, just graduated. My sister is fifteen.”
Johnson nodded. “Okay you, get in the car.” Together they stuffed James, screaming denials and curses, into the backseat. Smith got in the front seat and Johnson walked over to Duncan and Khrystal. “Will you kids be okay? Do you need a ride home?”
Duncan shook his head. “I’ve got my truck. Me and my dad can come back later for her car.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. I think we’ll be seeing you two in court for this.” She gave them a reassuring smile before getting into the squad car. Duncan waited for them to pull out of the parking lot before leading Khrystal over to his truck
Okay thanks. That was a lot of help. I'll keep these in mind, but it may be a while before I get to work on this one again. 
Khrystal smiled. “Sure, no problem, Mr. Carlson. Could you phone my dad to tell him I’ll back late?”
Khrystal had no idea why he always seemed so nervous; at school if someone had so much as called his name he’d jumped about a foot in the air.
Khrystal thought that was the worst part of locking up, seeing the mall like that, especially when the person you were losing with was so strange.
“You look beautiful tonight Khrystal.”
Duncan looked up at her. “Are you okay Khris?”
Duncan shook his head. “I’ve got my truck. Me and my dad can come back later for her car.”
Thanks Ali, for your true nit-picking talents. I'll keep the comments in mind. This novel is on a halt though, until I finish The Love Note. I've just been wanting to write this. This part isn't important enough to the story to be a prologue, it's just a short flashback to add information to the story. I'd tell you why if I could, but I don't want to spoil.
Jamie_rocks wrote:Suddenly from behind James comma Khrystal heard a familiar voice saying, “Get off my sister you fucking cunt!” And several things happened in rapid succession; there was a thump, Khrystal felt the pressure on her disappear, and James was knocked and pinned to ground. Holding him down and looking furious was Khrystal’s older brother, Duncan. James was taller than Duncan, but maybe fifty pounds lighter, and Duncan had no trouble holding him down as he squirmed and thrashed on the ground.
Okay thanks for the review.
And the three years before part would probably make more sense if you read the in-progress-novel it goes with.
I get that whole name thing a lot. I just naturally spell names weird. I'm no sure why. If anyone else brings it up I guess I might change it.
I think it was pretty good, but I'm kinda confused about the three years before part. I don't really get the point of it, and if I were you, I'd just take it out.
It definitely got my attention, and I was terrified Khrystal.
Another thing I would change is the spelling of Khrystal. No offence, but in my short time of reviewing, when people spell their characters names weirdly, that usually means they're trying to cover up the story line with a "creative" name. Just a thought and you could ignore me completely if you want.
Anyways, I thought it a pretty good short story. Keep up the good work!
PS- Wanna review my short story?? It's And I Loved Death Too.
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