Dear cold dark wonder, free me from this place
Show me the world is full of soft embrace
Eradicate the doubts that fill in my mind
Find me a beautiful girl and a piece of sunshine
Let me sit back and wander within stars
Until the final call, within the bars
Tears fill my eyes as we gather round
Too say our final prayers and head back into town
Escaping only when you feel so inclined
To head for the hills and run with my kind
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Great flow with the rhyme!! A lot of poets struggle with maintain a rhyme pattern that does not overpower the overall message and theme of the poem, but you executed this very well! Congratulations!
My favorite line has to be:
"Escaping only when you feel so inclined
To head for the hills and run with my kind."
That is just down right beautiful!!!
What I love too is the fact that you address the "cold dark wonder" to show you that Earth is actually a good place! I find that fascinating and deep on so many levels. I would expect you to ask to be freed from thw darkness but instead you ask the darkness to free you from itself in the world. Its hard to explain but I really took those lines to heart.
There is really nothing I could suggest that you change. Your poem is a masterpiece of its own.
Keep on writing!!!
Okay, so this is pretty good. Nice work! For the most part, the rhyme is good. (Most rhyming poems these days are either cliche or horribly rhymed, but I dind't find that with this poem.) I only have a few suggestions for this poem.
First of all, I'm not sure about the title of this piece. You don't explain the title anywhere in the poem, nor can I extrapolate and figure out what the title is supposed to mean. Maybe revise the title to fit the subject of the poem better, or explain its meaning better within the poem... Also, I'm not sure there's supposed to be an apostrophe in the second word. Did you mean "foolish fellas" as in more than one? Or did you mean one "foolish fella"? Or did you mean "fella's" to be a possessive word? Check your grammar on the title.
"Mind" and "sunshine" are not exact rhymes. That just bothers me a bit, and makes the rhyme feel a little forced.
It also bothers me a bit that you used the same rhyme ending in two different places.
The preposition "within" seems slightly out of place. Did you mean wander "in the stars" or "through the stars"? The phrase "wander within stars" sounds like the speaker is walking around inside the core of a star. Unless that is what you meant.... I'm also thinking there should be a period instead of a comma after call, and the beginning of a new sentence at "Within the bars."
Like Rachel (FerrumCorde), I am not sure what the town part is supposed to mean. Also, there's a small typo. "Too" should be "to."
These are just suggestions and things I noticed to get you thinking about how to edit this piece. Good work on the poem! Your rhyming couplets work well. Keep writing!
~ jessiethought ~
OMG so, I think I'm going to cry. Dude that was beautiful. Okay, so I thought that was some beautiful ish right there, but I'm a bit confused on what "and head back into town" means, perhaps I just failed to interpret it, but if not then maybe try looking for something else or making the lyrics longer to further explain and help the reader understand. I like how you put eradicate in there, powerful words I have noticed help the reader's mood increase intensity. Also, good job with the rhyme time, with the exception of town which I still don't get haha.
Don't stop writing, with mistakes comes discipline, and wit that we learn.
~Rachel (FerrumCorde)