Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I once believed that I could see amazing things.
Things of this world but in colors of green.
Things were right or so it would seem.
But along came you, and your other things.
This was not bad, but this was not green.
Green is the color of immaculate things.
Green is my color or so it would seem.
Green is the derivative of everything.
Color my world green, plant it flowers, among other things.
Take me back to my great disaster.
Allow me to change our chapter.
This is the thing I was after.
Too flee my desolate land, and make for other pastures.
But reconcile I must, or cover it with dust.
In world full of cunts, who can I trust?
With this deep dark secret I have in my trust.
Run with me now, or turn in at dusk.
Blackened is everything, as we begin our bust.
Run to the fountain this is a must.
Turn off the water, drink in its torment.
Life worth gathering, is idling in dormant.
Trust yourself, and do not regress.
These are the things I know the best.
Take a look my love, we almost felt blessed.
This is the land where we all shall rest.
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Hi, i liked the poem, although it seemed longer than needed. I usually like simplicity, so that may be it. I loved the rhyming, i can't rhyme for shit. I loved the idea of green, green everywhere
"I once believed that I could see amazing things.
Things of this world but in colors of green.
Things were right or so it would seem.
But along came you, and your other things.
This was not bad, but this was not green.
Green is the color of immaculate things.
Green is my color or so it would seem.
Green is the derivative of everything."
i wish you would have ended it there, i like the idea, of one thing only in a poem, especially lyrical. Overall, i liked the poem. i loved the rhyming.
Hello writer, I'll share some thoughts on your poem.
To start off, this is quite a good attempt. The imageries were vivid and colorful. Quite neatly used. The rhythm was also quite good. In fact after a point I thought the beautiful rhyme was a saving grace to the slipping narrative.
Now personally I couldn't follow the poem in first attempt. It failed to hold my attention. The narrative wasn't sharp neither was the editing crispy. You need to go back and re-edit the poem again.
If you observe you have used 'green' on almost every line during this stanza. The problem is the since the title is also green, it looks like you have hammered it too much into you readers.
Don't get me wrong the poem is quite good, but this part deviates the attention of reader. Please correct it, your poem will look more better!
Farhan
Thank you, appreciate the criticism when it is used constructively.
I really enjoyed how you played with the rhymes, it was probably the most astonishing part of the poem.
At the beginning I found myself lost due to the repeated vocabulary words, but was later satisfied by an excellent use of word choice.
You have a great talent at rhyming a tremendous amount of words and using them in sentences that actually make sense.
Great use of literary devices, images, voice and grammar. The only thing you could work on is the beginning with the overused words, aside from that, great poem and great talent!
Thank you, and also appreciative of the constructive criticism