Published May 10, 2008
He likes me and he likes her
why can't he choose what does he not see in me
am i too bright, am i too young, am i too short
why is she getting so close to finish line
why am i running out breath
why is everything getting so dizzy
life is so full of questions it makes me want to scream
Oh, no she crossed the finish line
Water fills up into my eyes
But look what is he doing he is walking towards me
My heart thumps and thumps and thumps
I can feel the pattern going over and over again
He takes my hand and asks me to be his friend
I do a shy grin and YAY I crossed the finished line
and that's the end
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Puntuations?that would have made the poem more good to read.
I too felt that there is a hidden sweet feeling in this.
I only wish that you had made the whole story more realistic,you could have explained things more.
This isn't your best so my best wishes for your next piece,and I know you are a good writer.
Keep pouring in your works dear.
~Shine~
This is a very intetresting thing. You must work on spelling, grammer. and all that stuff. What you also need is to write better. If you can not write better, then you should not be here. OK? I hope so, and I want a good peom. or else.
space
I'm sorry, but you certainly haven't crossed the finish line in this piece. Number one, there's no use of punctuation whatsoever, which makes it a dull and surprisingly difficult read. It's almost juvenille, and I don't think that's the angel you were going for.
I do respect your theme, but you really have been careless in posting this. People will take notice if you present your work properly, like if you were to send your work to a publisher, you would try and do your upmost in making a good impression.
All is not lost in this piece. Just take it away, revise, edit, and see where you get. PM me if you have any further questions.
Best wishes,
Eimear
It's quite a sweet poem overall, could possibly be improved by more powerful language as it seems to slightly let down the overall feel.
(Example) The 'Oh, no' and some other slightly informal language seems to take away the imagery, so maybe there's something to work on.
However, it's altogether a good poem in my opinion, just remember to keep the layout and spelling in check
Hmmm...You definetly will need to check on puntuation and such...(ignore possible(probably is) bad spelling right now...I is in a hurry...). It's good, but a little sloppy, so you might want to pull it together a bit...And...Er, yeah...
Death...
I liked it in the sense that it made me think back to the butterfly and roller coaster feelings of Jr. High. To quote Demeter, "It made me smile." However, it almost borders TOO cute because of all the cliches.
But anywho, I would definitly proof your next piece better so it doesn't look quite so messy. Other than that, good job!
~ Eden
Hmm... It's actually kind of sweet. I somehow liked this.
)
But there are a couple of things. First, you must capitalize your "i"s in parts like "am i too bright, am i too young, am i too short".
It should be "why am I running out of breath" in the fourth line.
There needs to be commas in some places, it makes it easier to read it and besides, that's grammatical (let's not forget about that one, now shall we?
I don't know about that YAY in a poem, but then again, I can't really say anything about it. At least it made me smile.
Kind regards,
Demeter