It was a cold November night on the streets of Glasgow when Stuart had just managed to get himself kicked out of the bar for being too drunk. He had been drowning his sorrows, you see. Over a girl he used to know. He stumbled along the pavement sometimes wandering onto the road in his intoxication. At this rate it would be day light before Stuart got home, that is, if he remembered where his home was. Sometimes he didn't want to remember...
Eventually his body gave up, he collapsed onto the wall of a nearby building, and as he fell he thought he saw a cloud that looked like her. The long, flowing hair; the wide open eyes; her smile. She was beautiful and she was his; made for him. The sight of the two of them together could instil faith in God in the heart of any man, woman or child. So why didn't God protect them that night? Stuart simply couldn't take it anymore.
"Why?!" he cried to no-one, to God, to anyone that would listen. "Why now?! Why her?! Why couldn't it have been me?! It was my fault! Mine!" Stuart stood up and started beating the wall with his drunken fists, as he painfully replayed the whole night through his mind...
* * *
"So your saying that capturing rodents and putting them on hamster wheels would solve the energy crisis?" Her voice was soft, warm, happy. The only voice he ever truly loved.
"That's exactly what I'm saying." Stuart said with a chuckle. Of course he wasn't serious. But he would have said anything to hear her laugh like she did then.
"You’re an idiot." She laughed, affectionately.
"Well I may be an idiot, but I sure am lucky." He said, as he looked over at her, and she knew what he meant. She smiled and leaned in for a kiss and he did the same. He did hear the music in the background. He heard the song blasting from the idiot’s car. But he didn't think anything of it. He thought they were safe.
“Stuart!" She pulled away suddenly and he turned his head just in time to see the car rocketing towards them. Even in this moment of panic, his thoughts were with her before himself. He knew he didn’t have time to stop, so he tried to swerve the car, spinning it around a half turn and putting himself between her and the impending danger. But he didn't notice the ice. The car slid as it spun and toppled over onto her side. Her head smashed through the window and hit the concrete below it. She was gone in a second.
* * *
Stuart collapsed on the street where he was eventually noticed by a group of drunken twenty something. He awoke the next day in Queens Trust Hospital, a place he knew all too well. The nurse came in, told him about his broken hand, cautioned him about his heavy drinking, but he wasn't listening. All he could think about was her.
The second the nurse walked out the door, he got out of his bed and started walking down the corridor. "Excuse me! Hey! You're not supposed to be out of your room!" The nurse tried grabbed his shoulder but Stuart just shrugged her off. "Excuse me! You are not supposed to be out of your room!"
"Let him go." Stuart recognized the voice. It was the doctor who had given him the news a few weeks ago. The nurse reluctantly released him and Stuart continued marching down the corridors until he found a room marked 'Patient Hayley Lautner'.
He charged through the unlocked door and went to the bed where she lay motionless. He held her hand. The doctors said that she would never wake up. But he needed to know. He needed to let her know what she meant to him. He needed to try, just one last time.
“Hayley…” He said, between sobs. “Please Hayley. Wake up. Please? For me? Please, Hayley, just try, just once more, for me? Please?" He continued to plead with her for almost an hour before he finally accepted that she wasn't going to wake up.
“Goodbye, Hayley.” He said, and then he leaned in and kissed her, one last time. He walked out of her room and was just about to close the door, leaving behind Hayley, their past, their future; letting go. And then he heard a soft, quiet voice.
“Stuart?”
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hi there! GL24 reppin dat west side for ya!
*clears throat*
Now, I think the basic idea of this story is very intriguing, and I enjoyed the idea of what the dynamic between Stuart and "his anguish" would play out. However, that's just the thing. It seems to have been an idea that never fully blossomed into an equally awesome narrative. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the way you presented Staurts current state of mind at the beginning of the story, but I feel like "anguish" was too strong of a word to describe such feelings.
I was expecting for this piece to take off towards the middle and become a little bit more sneesitive to the inner conflicts of the character. All we basically learn about what he's feeling is regret over having caused the death of his lover and that he drinks to make himself feel better. While this idea of it is awesome, I feel like something like this wouldn't be this simple. Just add a little more insight into Staurts mind. Maybe bring in more info about his relationship with Hayley other than the short conversation they share here. It seems like there's a lot more to work with than what's shown here.
Now, as a disclaimer, I'm just givin u an honest review. I still enjoyed the piece and I think it has excellent potential. I hope this review helps ya. I won't delve Ono the grammatical side of it just cause I don't believe that higher writing should be judged based on criteria we have all pretty mastered by now, so I'm sorry if you were looking for grammatical tips.
Overall, nice work here with the premisce here. I'd be very interested to read this in an enhanced form. If nt, that's cool too. It's all in the eye of the beholder.
-azulafanboy
Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
This is an awesome piece. Really, I just loved it. The grammar, punctuation, and spelling was all pretty flawless. You kept it short while managing to put in a lot of detail and backstory. It's just perfect!
I only spotted one teeny, tiny nitpick:
"Your" should be "you're."
But besides for that typo, this is fantastic. I especially loved that ending. Wasn't expecting it at all. Awesome work!
At the start I would recommend putting 'a' instead of 'the bar' just because the audience will not be familiar with this bar. Also I think that you should make it clearer that after putting the first three stars that this was in the past otherwise some people may think that is in the future due to having thise three stars which usually indicate the story is skipping into the future. Othereise this is a great story it shows how the loss of a loved one cab really affect people. So well done and keep up the good work.