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Young Writers Society



Particulars Of Existence

by Jak


Seagulls are widely misunderstood creatures. This particular seagull didn’t really care in the slightest about human opinions and concepts. It had other problems on its mind. One of which was an algebra equation. You could go as far as to say it was really starting to bring out the misunderstood, bad tempered side of the seagull. But all credit to it, whenever it had broken down the problem and had an answer, an unwelcome wave came and ruined its concentration. The water on which the seagull’s feathery behind rested on was intensely cold. The waters numbing particles penetrated the flesh and then crawled across each bone like a miniature glacier.

The Logic Sea (which is where our seagull friend is at the moment) seemed to be in some sort of constant competition with The Magnet Ocean over who could lower its temperature the lowest, without taking the slightest interest in the poor holiday makers swimming in it, and occasionally dieing from the sudden drop in temperature. Everywhere you looked you could see water stretching out in every direction. Even if you quickly scanned the land mass, which appeared totally inferior, your eyes were quickly drawn back to a wave that the sea had quickly conjured up to impress. Each wave that crashed into the cliffs made a defiant roar as it hit and since rock cliffs don’t make much conversation, there was an awkward silence until the next wave struck. During summer, families of fish could be seen wandering the crystal clear waters. Old wrecks of boats littered the rocks, jagged and strutting out in a menacing fashion, but the flowers and plants that had over grown them made it more of a dangerous rockery.

Watching this display of concentration and then in quick succession desperation from the seagull, were two night black eyes. These eyes belonged to a man named Bothiel and if you took the time to look carefully enough, you would find they were the most beautiful eyes one could ever hope to come across in ones life. In the middle of the eye the centre of the universe loomed. Running outwards likes veins from a heart were millions of galaxies and constellations. You could get lost in those eyes for hours exploring the immense space, which somehow existed in the tiny space of two eyes. It’s a shame no one had ever bothered to tell him about them and maybe it was just shear misfortune he had never looked in a mirror before. Possibly because he broke every mirror he came into contact with. He was the sort of person who would stand at the top of a hill in the middle of a raging thunder storm, wearing copper armour and at the top of his voice, shout “All gods are stupid!”

Word of Bothiel’s arrival had spread quickly in the little port of Tarmeena. A merchant or possibly a priest? The thief and assassin gangs were already weighing up their options. It was the money that had them fixed. Who ever this eccentric character was, he was incredibly rich and he was totally unaware of the dire situation he was in. He was dressed in emerald green attire accompanied with small muddy brown leather boots. The slightly idiotic look on his face gave the impression that his brain led its own independent life and let him get on with things. He was four feet tall and more or less equal that in width. His body moved in calculated motions, only the calculations were all wrong and it was more of a lumber when he did move. Anyone watching him navigate the small room of the cottage he was in would have found it rather amusing. He had already managed to mildly damage or completely destroy several furnishings in the room and the landlord was pretty certain redecoration would be called for by the end of the night.

Bothiel sat by the window, quietly wishing he could have done more. He hated himself, hated himself for not being strong enough when his friends were in danger. He was in a foul mood and the weather outside matched. It was a desperately cold atmosphere outside. The massive barrier walls of the harbour didn’t seem much of a defence against the destruction bent waves, and the proud trees creaked under the constant pounding from the gale. Everything was struggling against the harsh winds which hammered down like a crazed stampede of rhinos. Insects crawled under rocks, vermin scurried for cover and birds attempted to fly awkwardly homeward. Through the commotion, if you listened carefully enough you could just make out a high pitched squawk of delight, and then a cheerful looking seagull flew over head.


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Wed Sep 27, 2006 5:52 pm
Jak says...



Thanks for the great response guys. At the moment i'm between about serveral different styles and I haven't found my own unique style yet.
The piece of work above is homework I handed in, im in my third year of high school. Joining this community should help me in to ways,

1: the critism that you guys give me should dramatically improve my writing and hopefully when it matters, when i sit my exams it will shine through.
2: I can express my love of writing and share it with people who appear to share that love.

Thanks again and hopefully if I can find my own style and re- write the beggining to the story.




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Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:22 am
Trident wrote a review...



All right, Jak. First off, this piece (hopefully it is just part of a larger piece) reminds me a little bit like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy or maybe Discworld, at least style-wise. It's kind of all over the place, not in a bad way, but very spontaneous and kinda wacky. Now if you didn't mean it to be that way, well then: :oops:

This particular seagull didn't really care in the slightest about human opinions and concepts.


I didn't really mind the use of "This" when you referred to seagull. Maybe that's just a style preference. It kind of gave it some personality. But...

It had other problems on its mind. One of which was an algebra equation.


...combine those sentences.

I was very confused by the transition from seagull to your main character. If I go back, I can find it, but you don't want your readers to have to go back and read something over again.


your eyes were quickly drawn back to a wave that the sea had quickly conjured up to impress


Omit the word "that". Try to keep the word "that" out of your writing as much as possible. Every time you write the word "that", see if it is really necessary, and if it isn't, then delete it.


Each wave that crashed into the cliffs made a defiant roar as it hit and since rock cliffs don't make much conversation, there was an awkward silence until the next wave struck.


I don't think you need to change the tense when you are talking about the cliffs since it's sort of an author's adress to the reader, but you do need a comma before "and".


Watching this display of concentration and then in quick succession desperation from the seagull, were two night black eyes.


I would state this: Watching the seagull's display of concentration, and then in quick succession, desperation, were two night-black eyes.
I put the hyphen in there because I thought maybe you were trying to say that the eyes were as black as night and the way you had it was very awkward.

He was four feet tall and more or less equal that in width.


For all its humor, this sentence seems a little stale. Might I suggest:
"His four-foot stature was only exceeded by his width."



I loved your imagery. The story became somewhat more serious at the end, but I hope it still keeps its humorous side. There are other small typos that I didn't bother with and the other posters corrected some of that already. This is very good, and with a little work, you could make it great. I know, I hate when people tell me that, as if it's not a great piece already, but it's time to get humble. :wink: Tell me if you make any changes, I'll look at it again.




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Wed Sep 27, 2006 3:20 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



[Suggested rewrites are in italics.

The water on which the seagull's feathery behind rested on was intensely cold.


The water on which the seagull's feathery behind rested, was intensely cold. Is the seagull sitting on water?

The Logic Sea (which is where our seagull friend is at the moment) seemed to be in some sort of constant competition with The Magnet Ocean over who could lower its temperature the lowest, without taking the slightest interest in the poor holiday makers swimming in it, and occasionally dieing from the sudden drop in temperature.


That's a huge sentence. Break it up, and make it relevant, ie indicate that these are the seagull's thoughts: The Logic Sea (which is where our seagull friend is at the moment) was in constant competition with the Magnet Ocean. They were trying to see who could lower the temperature the most, with no thought to the damage being done to the poor holiday makers, who swam in the waters.

Then tie the next part in with the seagull: But the seagull didn't care about this, eyes drawn to the...

You make a sudden jump in perspective, from seagull to Bothiel. No introduction, no sense of why the seagull was there at all or why Bothiel even exists. Is the seagull ona mission looking for Bothiel? You dont say anything about this!! You really need to look at that.

Watching this display of concentration and then in quick succession desperation from the seagull, were two night black eyes


AWKWARD SENTENCE!!!! Wow ... its really awkward. Maybe: This display of concentration from the saegull, followed quickly by desperation, was keenly observed by two night black eyes.
He was the sort of person who would stand at the top of a hill in the middle of a raging thunder storm, wearing copper armour and at the top of his voice, shout "All gods are stupid!"


This sticks out from the text, leaving the reader thinking wtf?! It doesnt tie in, it tells us this person is dismissive of the gods but that information can given in another way. Your smart, I'm sure you'll think of another way. May I suggest it come from another character?

Still, it does keep you interested and I like the seagull addition, just make sure you give reaon for the seagull's existence otherwise the entire begining needs to be redone.




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Tue Sep 26, 2006 12:11 pm
Myth wrote a review...



Hi,

As you've critiqued my work I'm returning the favour with, what i hope, is a helpful critique.

Green = Comment/Correct
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Seagulls are widely misunderstood creatures. This particular seagull didn’t really care in the slightest about human opinions and concepts.


You begin with seagulls in general and then continue with ‘this particular...’. What seagull? You didn’t introduce it and went right into explaining it didn’t care about human opinions and whatnot. How about: There was a particular seagull that didn’t really care ...

The Logic Sea (which is where our seagull friend is at the moment) seemed to be in some sort of constant competition with The Magnet Ocean over who could lower its temperature the lowest, without taking the slightest interest in the poor holiday makers swimming in it, and occasionally dieing from the sudden drop in temperature.


‘The’ in the Magnet Ocean should not be capitalised and dieing should be dying.

Each wave that crashed into the cliffs made a defiant roar as it hit and since rock cliffs don’t make much conversation, there was an awkward silence until the next wave struck.


Keep in mind which tense you are using. This is past tense so ‘rock cliffs don’t make much conversation’ would be ‘rock cliffs didn’t make much conversation’.

Old wrecks of boats littered the rocks, jagged and strutting out in a menacing fashion, but the flowers and plants that had over grown them made it more of a dangerous rockery.


Do flowers grow in rocks/by the sea? How about seaweed instead?

These eyes belonged to a man named Bothiel and if you took the time to look carefully enough, you would find they were the most beautiful eyes one could ever hope to come across in ones life.


... to come across in one’s life.

The slightly idiotic look on his face gave the impression that his brain led its own independent life and let him get on with things.


‘brain’ doesn’t really fit with that sentence. I suggest using ‘mind’.

I haven’t yet decided what plot you may be creating here but I did like the humanised characteristics you have given the seagull (trying to solve mathematic equations), the waves (conversing with the silent cliffs) and Bothiel is not the average leading character I would have expected (his shape and the troubles it causes).

You have a few sentences that run to become long-winded. Shorten a few to avoid confusion.

Is there more to this that will be added? Let me know if you continue.





We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain