It was the first day at True Lake summer camp, as I walked in the door I received weird looks from everybody as if I was a pariah. I walked into the first course which was arts and craft. I sat all the way in the back so nobody could see me. The instructor walked in and started to introduce himself and told everyone to get up and say three things about yourself including your name. When it was close to my turn my palms started to sweat, I was scared that when I got up everyone would laugh because of my name and the way I look. I always wondered why I couldn't have a normal name, my name is Shamasa but I feel embarrassed to say it. As the boys next to me finish saying his name he smiled at me. It was my turn, I rubbed my palms together and introduce myself as I looked around no one seemed to look bothered about the body scars I have.
“Alien!” shouted a girl named Sandy.
My cheeks turned red like that tomato I had in my sandwich for lunch. I ran away into the room I was assigned in this summer camp. I stood all day in the room and missed all the courses I was supposed to attend, but I didn't mind because I had to have time off and believe I was as normal as the people here in this camp. The next day I woke up to the sound of a trumpet everyone was in a hurry. A girl walked in and I backed up slowly as if I was a lion ready to attack this intruder.
“Hey my name is Naya, I’m sorry if I am making you feel uncomfortable, but I heard what happened back there in the arts and craft course,” she shifted on each foot, rubbing her palms together.
“What do you want?” I replied coldly. As I heard her speak, I did not know if she was being friendly or trying to attack me like the others.
“I am here to say that I am not like the others I do not mind if you are different, I actually think that it’s pretty cool” Naya smiled while looking at me.
I was a little shocked when she said those words I did not know if I should feel offended because she called me different or feel happy because she accepted me as I am and that’s what I needed at the moment a friend. After the debate I had in my head, we walked together to the cafeteria. It was packed but there had to be at least a couple empty seats for me and Naya. We found a table to sit at, but when we sat down it got awkward because she was just staring at my arm.
“How did you get those? Naya grabbed my arm and traced her finger around the scar, with a curious look on her face.
“In my country we have a different way of expressing ourselves; each scar has a personal meaning to us”. I said while looking at her.
“Wow these scars are beautiful, and don't pay attention to what people say about you they are just ignorant,” Naya chuckled while shaking her head.
I was about to speak when all of the sudden a bell rang, which was signaling that it was time for your next course. I remembered that my course was gym; I got excited because I tend to be a very athletic girl.
“What’s your next course, and I didn’t get to know your name yet” Naya turned to me while looking at her schedule.
“I’m so sorry I’m just a very guarded person, but my name is Shamasa and the course I have is gym” I smiled while jumping up and down with excitement.
The next thing I knew I was getting pulled to the gym by Naya, who couldn't stop mumbling about how exciting it is to have a new friend to attend this course with. As we entered there were several activities to do such as basketball, or dodge ball. I saw the girl sandy from yesterday’s course, the one who shouted alien. I just laughed because I had to be strong at the moment.
“Don’t worry about her I’m here for you,” Naya patted my shoulder and walked me to the dodge ball game.
The teams were getting picked and luckily I was chosen to be in the same team as Naya. We got ready to grab the balls. I looked to the side at the gym instructor and waited for him to blow the whistle. It felt like forever but when he blew the whistle, Sandy and her teammates were already running ready to attack us. I backed up waiting for someone to throw a ball at me so I can dodge it but, then suddenly I got hit by a ball from the opposite side. I fell to the ground and felt dizzy, all I could hear was Naya screaming at Sandy and her friends, and then everything just turned black. I woke up to an empty room and it felt oddly warm in here. The door swung open and I seen my parents with worried looks on their faces. Naya was in the room to she was just looking at me with sympathy.
“Oh my precious daughter, who did this to you,” my mother said while holding my hand.
“I don't remember mother, “I said with tears in my eyes.
My father looked so furious he couldn't believe that such bullying can occur in the best summer camp. The owner of the summer camp walked in and introduced himself to my parents. They shook hands and started to talk about this situation that was going on here.
“I want to know if the kids who keep on bullying my daughter are going to face consequences!” My father slammed his hand on the desk.
“First of all don't raise your voice , if you are trying to receive help speak to me right and why should I make Sandy and her friends face consequences if your daughter is the one who came to my summer camp and disturbed everyone else,” The owner had an evil smirk on his face while he laughed.
I couldn't believe the words that came out his mouth, my father balled up his fist and went to hit the owner but my mother was just in time to grab his arm and pull him out of the room. I got up from the bed and thanked Naya for sticking up for me and just looked at the owner with disgust. I walked out the room and met up with my parents at the car.
“I’m sorry I sent you here princess, if only the world knew what bad place this summer camp really was,” My father grabbed on to the steering wheel tighter.
“That’s it!, we can go to my job and write a report about True Lake summer camp so people could be aware that their kids can be a victim too and the bullies don't face consequences,” my mother looked determined while pointing to her job.
We dropped my mother of at her job and went back to our way home. When I walked in the house my older brother Kano was home, I went straight to my room and went to sleep. I was woken up by the sound of the television. My father was clapping, I went to see why he was excited as I read on the TV it said True Lake summer camp not so true so it has been closed. I got so happy and ran around the whole house. I ran out of breath and started to think about the kids who actually enjoyed the summer camp and now can't be in one.
“Father what about the kids who enjoyed summer camp now they can't be in one,” I pointed at the screen with the pictures of the kids who looked so happy.
“Remember when you were younger and you said you always wanted to open up a place where everyone could be together and have fun?” My father grabbed my drawing from the fridge and gave it to me.
“Yes” I grabbed the drawing and just looked at it.
“Well me and your mother were thinking, and she came up with the idea of opening a summer camp where everyone is accepted and there is a no bullying rule,”
I was filled with joy when my father told me. I went into the living room and put my coat on so we could meet my father’s friend who is a construction worker. We arrived at the place quickly and started to discuss how we wanted the summer camp to be designed and who was going to work there. I was just anxious to see how everything would turn out.
A few months had passed and it was finally the day our summer camp was going to open. The people all around the neighborhood were informed about the grand opening. On our way there all I could do was listen to music because I was so nervous about seeing how it would look like. The car was still for a moment and I didn't even notice that we were already here. There was a huge crowd surrounding a stage that seem to be set up for someone to give a speech. My father got up on the stage and asked for everyone to settle down.
“Welcome, I am here to introduce to you guys our new summer camp, but first I would like my daughter Shamasa to come up on stage,” my father was pointing at me with a huge smile on his face.
I slowly walked onto the stage and gripped the microphone so tight like it was my life line.
“Hello, I would like to introduce you guys to our new summer camp called!” I paused for a minute.
I looked at the crowed and noticed a familiar face it was Naya. So when I spotted her I knew what I was going to call this place.
“I introduce you guys to our new summer camp called Real Friends!” I turned around and cut the rope.
The crowd roared with excitement as everyone started to explore the new camp ground. From this day on my life has been an amazing journey. I wasn't judged in the summer camp and I even made friends that I am sure would last forever.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! How are you?
Okay, so I can relate to this. I always get bullied and this is a common thing for me. Nice job. The voice was strong and to me, it has meaning. It's a good thing.
A few tips.
"It was the first day at True Lake summer camp, as I walked in the door I received weird looks from everybody as if I was a pariah. I walked into the first course which was arts and craft."
That could be expressed a little better. If it were me, I would had written it like this:
"It was the first day at True Lake Summer Camp. I walked in the door and instantly people are looking at me as if I was a pariah. I noticed that the first course was Arts and Crafts..."
And blah, blah, blah. Do you see how that makes a little bit more sense? It flows better.
"“I’m sorry I sent you here princess, if only the world knew what bad place this summer camp really was,” My father grabbed on to the steering wheel tighter."
Now, there's a few problems with this. First being is that comma. It shouldn't be there as the sentence had stopped. Second, with the father bit I believe it should of had come before she spoke. That way, it shows that the father is doing some action before he spoke.
The main thing I've noticed with you is that you tend to tell every little detail. It's not a good thing. The reader will become instantly bored. The way I see it, you need it to make it like a painting. Describe what she does rather than shoving all the information down the reader's throats.
That's all from me! I'm very sorry if you feel mad about this. I'm just trying to help.
Bye!
I really liked your story. Bullying is a popular theme, and I think you conveyed it well. A few nitpicks though...
You have probably heard this before: Show, don't tell. That in itself isn't very helpful, so I'll explain. Don't write what the person is doing, describe their motions and thoughts, and let the reader figure it out. For example, instead of saying something like, "I sat all the way in the back so nobody could see me," try "I slowly paced down the rows of tables, making my way to the back. I sat down at a seat practically hidden from sight by everyone else. 'Perfect, nobody can see me here,' I thought." See the difference? It makes the reader feel less like they are being told a story, and more like they are living it.
A few problems with the two bullying incidents you talked about. First, when Sandy yells out, "Alien!" I don't think running away and hiding all day would be her immediate reaction. Alien can mean lots of things, and it usually isn't meant as an insult. For all Shamasa knows, Sandy could have been talking about the movie she watched last night. A word like freak is pretty much always used as an insult, so it might work better to use a word like that.
Also, when Shamasa's parents are asking who was bullying her and hit her with the ball, they have no way of knowing that she was being bullied. It could easily have been an accident. A more obvious offense that is clearly intended to hurt her would make a little more sense. But to any bystander, from what you said, it could have just looked like there was a girl who didn't know the rules. Or perhaps her parents thought it was an accident at first, and then Shamasa tells them it was intentional.
True Lake camp closes only the day after her mom reports it! That was fast! I would think it would take her at least a week to write the report, and a few more weeks, maybe a couple months, for the camp to shut down. I think a day might be a little fast.
Hope this helped!
Dominusatramentum