I'm You. [Prologue]

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I entered the kitchen to get a drink. Gulping down the glass of water feeling nauseated, I heard a gasp followed by sounds of tumbling. My heart thumped in my chest at the thought of what the sound might’ve been.

I placed the empty glass in the sink and ran out into the hall way. My heart carried on thumping, louder and louder, drowning out the surrounding sounds and her and my sobs.

She rolled onto my feet and the blood slowly spilled out of her wound. I fell to my knees reaching my arms out and holding her. I was careful not to move her much in case of any broken bones. My hand moved and held the back of her neck keeping her upright. The warm blood flowed from the open cut on her head onto my hand. The tears rolled down my face as they rolled down hers.

Her thick, curly black hair hung at her neck covering my hand and tangling my fingers. Her eyes closed gradually and I spoke, almost shouted at her to keep her awake.

“Mum?” I said over and over.

Okayy...well this is an intriguing piece here. Definitely works out quite well as far as choice of scene goes for a prologue, although I do have to say this is maybe not done quite as well as it could be. The start is pretty neat. There's a little sense of mystery coupled with that clear sense of impending doom that works quite well for prologues but it goes a bit downhill from there.

That's mostly due to the description here because by going into a little too much detail there with how this person looks you sort of detract a little from the general shocking and fast pace of this particular piece so I'd recommend cutting down on that ever so slightly and that really will make quite a difference.

The reveal there at the end does certainly work out quite well I think. You've done a really nice job of setting that up there and ending right on it makes for a lovely cliffhanger too. Once again I'd say just taking out that bit of extra description is really all this needs to be a pretty effective prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Jaderemoi! June here!

In all honesty, I didn't find this prologue interesting. I didn't think it had any bit of a "hook" to it, and in a strange way, it could repulse your audience. With a prologue, you really want to try and grasp the audience with a sensical clip that ends with a strong cliffhanger to make them want to read the rest. Here, at the end, we could predict what would happen next.

Gulping down the glass of water feeling nauseated, I heard a gasp followed by sounds of tumbling. My heart thumped in my chest at the thought of what the sound might’ve been.

If we're not careful, we could mistake it that the water is nauseated. Clarify this! Clip down the sentences and have this flow more.

Break up the first sentence. These two events deserve their own sentence, because this is cluttered! Obviously, the fall is a dramatic event, and deserves its own moment of glory in its own sentence. This is a lot of stuff here, and I think you should thin it out in description.

And, isn't a heart always thumping? Perhaps have the character's heart jump.

I placed the empty glass in the sink and ran out into the hall way. My heart carried on thumping, louder and louder, drowning out the surrounding sounds and her and my sobs.

Placed is a boring word. It's calm, and composed, maybe carelessly drop. If I heard a sound, I would drop the glass and rush out of the kitchen.

And, of course! The heart would keep thumping! Why is the character sobbing? He/she doesn't even know what happened, and unless it was already crying, there's no reason to cry here.

She rolled onto my feet and the blood slowly spilled out of her wound. I fell to my knees reaching my arms out and holding her. I was careful not to move her much in case of any broken bones. My hand moved and held the back of her neck keeping her upright. The warm blood flowed from the open cut on her head onto my hand. The tears rolled down my face as they rolled down hers.

Who is the She???

This is a bad jump here, because we don't know what the MC is met with when they get to the scene. Explain this, and flesh out this paragraph, because it's excitement written in such a dull way, it could bore your audience easily.

And blood would run fast... yes, yes, it would.

Her thick, curly black hair hung at her neck covering my hand and tangling my fingers. Her eyes closed gradually and I spoke, almost shouted at her to keep her awake.

“Mum?” I said over and over.

Fingers become tangled? Her hair could become tangled, yes, and fingers become tangled in her hair. Don't struggle to give us emotional pieces without filling us in on the story. Pretend this is real life: How would you react?


June

Jetpack picked up most of the things I was going for, except:

Jadoremoi wrote: I fell to my knees reaching my arms out and holding her. I was careful not to move her much in case of any broken bones. My hand moved and held the back of her neck keeping her upright. The warm blood flowed from the open cut on her head onto my hand.

Take a good look at the second and third sentences. They read less like the words of a fiction piece and more like a...well, it's too early for me to come up with some witty comparison xD. What I'm saying is that they're probably the flattest, most boring sentences of this piece, and if I can pick them out in the A.M. they need some sprucing up.

However, you do have a vaguely interesting sort of situation. It seems like the narrator is used to this happening, or if not used to it expecting it, and it in the back of my mind it makes me wonder, "Why?"

This is very short, even for a prologue. Is it finished? Are you intending to expand it at all? It seems somewhat rushed, and a bit sudden in its ending. You were probably going for that, but as it is there's no hook to keep us going because we don't care enough about the characters: the hook is wanting to know what happened and how, but there isn't enough here to make me want to read on.

Anyway, nitpicks.

I entered the kitchen to get a drink.

This isn't a very strong opening sentence. "I entered" is an awkward verb, the sort you find in a bad translation or something. Aside from that, it's very simplistic: I did this and this is why. You can expand this, or at least give us a more interesting opening.

My heart thumped in my chest at the thought of what the sound might’ve been.

Well, what might it have been? Why is the character's heart thumping at this thought? "Tumbling", which you use in the previous sentence, is not particularly threatening. Neither is a "gasp", unless you elaborate. You can bring these sounds to life and make them truly terrifying so that the reader's heart thumps too, or at least so that they understand the character's fear. As it is, your description of the sound is not scary enough for us to feel that this reaction is justified.

I placed the empty glass in the sink and ran out into the hall way.

Again, "placed" is a very awkward verb here. It sounds dainty, when clearly this is not a situation where your character would carefully choose where to place a glass. I wouldn't have been surprised if it'd been dropped and smashed instead, so that might work better as an alternative to it being 'placed'. The sentence itself, as a whole, is similar to your first in that it is simple and uniform, and I've already been over that.

The tears rolled down my face as they rolled down hers.

Reading into this further, it seems you want to keep a detached element between us and the characters and the moment. If you did, I think you've rather outdone yourself. We're too far gone, and you need to draw us a little closer into the story in the opening paragraphs in order to throw us out of the loop again. For a scene as emotional as this potentially is, you keep your style simple and clean, which seems odd. It could work, but it doesn't excuse 'I did, he did'.

“Mum?” I said over and over.

This is what I mean by the whole detached aura. Your character could be saying this because Mum was daydreaming, or anything. It could work well if you build up the right atmosphere, but at the moment this feeling is accidental since your sentences are so simple.

This is rather too short for any character summaries or anything, so all I have to go on is the writing. As Midnight says after me, the narrative is so blunt that it seems that the MC wasn't taken by surprise, but you run the risk of falling into the trap of not surprising the reader either. It's a hard style to pull off, and I don't think you've quite nailed it here yet. Keep at it though, because with a few adjustments this could be a very good piece.