Published October 12, 2007
This is my first poem. I wrote it in 3-5-3 style. tell me if you like it 
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Orange blossoms bloom
Bloom without me, without life
Sun lights them
The world denied for me
Captured here now
Three protectors watching over me
Locking me in
The will to walk out
leaves me now
Close your eyes sweet mind
Show me dreams
Of the youth from me
Tell me now
Why give me hope here
Everything seems dry
Dead and void of life
Show me new
Give me the life needed
To pass days
Give me a young child
A daughter maybe
Or a son from me
And me alone
Orange blossom hear
My call to the God
Show me birth
And I show you life
Give me that
Call upon me
To lead one in life
To call mine
To teach them from me
To show them.
God hear me
I fear for my virtue
I need it
He seems so close now
so far away
Do not let
This need of my life
Cut and stab
Into his that I do love
Forgive me now
I know not
What I say or how
Give me life
Or take from the world
What you gave.
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,571 Reviews
This was really good. Um...I liked how you kept to a pattern and still made it a really nice poem. And it was just...good. I really don't know what to say so I'll just leave.
First of all, I rated this for you! Next time, be sure to rate your poems and stories, because then they get to appear on the front page of YWS. And we love free publicity!
Anyway, the poem! It makes me rather nostalgic as it reminds me of some of my old stories. ^_^
I like your use of metaphor, because it's very pretty and stuff. With that said, I think you can improve it by having the narrator step back a little more. For example, almost after every pretty image, you have to bring "I" in it. But really, you don't. The images are pretty enough and, if they are strong (which they are) they'll hold themselves up without the narrator barging in on the story. So! Just for fun, try writing this poem without the use of "I" anywhere and see if you can come up with the same meaning that you have here, without any apparent narrator.
Good luck!
Wow I like it!
for Orange Blossoms and an overall of 
3/4.
Your structure was great and your rythm was pretty much the same. I love your dramatically language very poetical. Reminded me of Shakespeare a little. The message behind it was One that may have been told before and possibly blands the taste. It was kind of dragging. Some of the word were just not interesting. Good Job!
Wesley's Score: