So, this is my first post. Comments are great and they help a lot.
This is only part 1/3 of the prologue to the story. Its a story that has a lot of detailed writing in the beginning prologue, but during chapters, picks up pace a lot faster. Thanks for the help! enjoy
Prologue
It was a miserable evening. Rain fought its way through a cracked sky, lined with hazy, dark clouds that blocked out all forms of light. The moon, hidden behind clouds as thick as mud, battled to shine light onto the world below. The rain was light yet quick, and stung the eyes of those that stood against the wind. The water had been calm for days, resting, waiting for this storm. Waves reached high and hit the sandy shore hard. In this storm, there was one difference; a hulking vessel was on the waves, being rocked to and fro by the pounding beats of black water that banged the sides of the boat. This great battle between boat and water, man and sea, was over. The sea had come out victorious over the weakened ship. The mast was cracked, the sides were torn. Entering the boat unannounced, water took the passengers by surprise. Fear now entered the hearts of men and women alike that shared the same fate, doomed to the depths of the hideous ocean below. Over the wind and rain, a faint cry of pain and sorrow could be heard. Women gripped their children and wept loudly. Too scared to cry, the children only closed their eyes, hoping for it all to end. Their wishes were given to them in full. A monstrous wave crashed the rear of the wooden crafted boat, tipping it over. All went grey.
Waves struck the beach with what seemed like a never-ending assault. Wood bits began to wash up from the shore from the destroyed vessel harbored among deadly rocks less then a mile offshore. The sea looked like a force set against the world. With its victory over the ship, the sea seemed to roar with delight, launching yet more waves to rattle the shoreline. Sand on the shore turned from its crisp, calm light brown to a deep shade of brown. On the rocks, the ship dangled, helpless. Through the waves, a beaten shape arose from the water on the sea. This shape was a man. Pushing hard against the ocean for his last chance to survive what seemed like the doomed, he dragged himself onto the shore. Carrying himself on his hands and knees, he gasped for air. His bloodshot green eyes blinked rapidly, trying to regain focus in the darkness. Cold wind stabbed at his pale skin through his soaked, worn white shirt. His heart beat louder then the wind on his cheeks and faster then that waves the ushered him back into the dark sea. But he would did not falter, but pushed on, claiming more ground with every groan. Feeling his body begin to give in to the physical pressures of the surrounding environment, he knew that his time was near. he reached his air out and grasped a hand full of sand, choked out a cough, and stopped. The last thing that he saw before losing consciousness was a figure running towards him.
In the darkness of sleep, a past vision haunted the boy. He found no shelter from the horrors that had filled his life. He stood now on a beaten path, in front of a thatched cottage. He knew this dream. He walked slowly towards the chipped wooden door that he knew wouldn’t be closed. It was open just an inch, enough to see only the light within it. He reached out, placed his palm upon the spot where he had placed it every time. Creaking the door open, he saw it once again. Thick, red blood bathed the room. He ventured slowly onwards. The dirt floor was soaked in crimson. Turning to the left of him, as he knew he would see, was he slain younger brother. The boy had been pierced through the heart, and left to rot against the wall we he sat. Soft brown eyes stared out from the dead boy towards the young man now holding back tears. He breathed deeply in. He knew he had to go on. He walked further into the room towards the door directly in front of him. Knowing what he would see, but also knowing that it was the only way for him to wake himself up, he struggled on. Letting out a long breath, he opened the final door in his journey. Almost instantly, he turned away from the horrific sight. Crying now, he turned and peered through tear-filled eyes at the mutilated bodies of his mother and father. Before he had time to do anything else, the images turned dark and the world around him began to take shape.
Some say that men that have lost everything in their lives have the ability to accept anything under any odds or measures as long as it will keep them sane enough to live. Waking up for this certain young man made him realize that the end had finally come. He blinked open his eyes and observed the room around him. Usually, after the sickly dream that he experienced commonly, he would wake up roughly, coughing and having a slight headache. He was lying in a bed, twice the size of any bed he had ever seen. Light shown through an open doorway in front of the bed, and then a cloud covered the sky. It was unlike the clouds of the evening before; it was peaceful and soothing. The room he was sitting in looked much like his old home, miles away, across the now calmed ocean. He began to take note of his surroundings. The soaked rags he had been wearing were on the back of a chair feet from him, and he was clothed in a clean material that felt like silk but looked like cotton. The sheets were of the same material and they felt very warm and comfortable against the young man. Pulling the sheets back, he placed his feet on a cold wooden floor and then doubled over. The pain from the wreck and the rough sea had left its mark on the young man. He took a few seconds to let the breath enter into his system once more and then he noticed a figure standing in the doorway.
More to come. Jadix
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Interesting.
There were several grammatical and spelling mistakes. Punctuation, like commas, were left out and it almost made the story a bit hard to follow.
Things were also repeated a bit. Normally, it isn't very bad, and can be left alone, but things like:
Quote:
He was lying in a bed, twice the size of any bed he had ever seen. Light shown through an open doorway in front of the bed, and then a cloud covered the sky.
It's get a bit tiring. You've already established that it is, in fact, a bed. And, actually, now that I think about it, there aren't any really good synonyms for 'bed', but maybe changing words around will help so that it isn't repeated so much. It makes the reader a bit annoyed when they hear a word repeated 3 times in two sentences.
Also, I remember hearing the word "young man" a lot. Maybe changing it 'boy' or even adolescent, depending on his age, might help.
I don't know... But, all in all, very promising. I wonder what's going to happen next. Keep writing!
I also thought that you tried a bit too hard to be fancy. The flow didn't work with the words and often jarred the letting of the story. Just let the words flow out of you and make minor adjustments, don't tryr to force yourself to be a Tolkien etc.
However, I 'll give a chance for your characters and your mysterious person to develope and i'll seee how it goes. I've found that Squallz doesn't like cliches but there are very few original ideas around. I believe that you can make it work if you can write the thing well enough with your own style you can make it enjoyable.
If you're gonna post more it would be helpful if you could do it before 4th september so I can have a look. I go to boarding school and I can't do it there.
Good luck!
Hello and welcome to YWS. The fantasy forum is the place where I pay homeage to literature. Onto my critque.
Though your writing style is pretty good, I think you dwelled too much on the details (eg: how badly was the person hurt and what he felt) It slows the story down and can bore the reader if done often. The next problem was the emotion of the character. Though this is only the 1st part, I did not see any character development. He was in a ship accident, so what?
I also notice you try a bit too hard to be fancy and it also kinda bores me a bit. However, I liked the connections you've made with the ship and the environment.
The dream of the cottage and its surroundings was pretty good. However, I thought the mystery figure idea was a bit cliche. A mystery person has been used quite a bit and it gets tiresome. I think either if you tell us who he/she is or use descriptions to show the figure, then it would be much better.
Overall, a good read. I'll see where this will take place.