Prologue:
In the days before humans roamed the earth, there where four legendary Princes. Those four Princes held four legendary powers. When these Princes died off, they had their powers striped from them, and were sent to four sacred temples. The powers are yet to this day still dormant, until the four ancestors of the legendary Princes will be exposed to the hidden power with in them. You see, the temples are not objects; they are souls, the souls of the four great-great ancestors of the four legendary Princes. In present day, there will be a great evil that will attempt to destroy / obtain earths deepest secrets, this is where the journeys of the Princes will continue. This will be a true test of courage, wisdom, strength, and willpower. Who will prove to be the dominant power?
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
I agree with pretty much everything the other commenters said, along with a few suggestions of my own.
'In the days before humans roamed the earth,' What roamed the earth instead of humans? What are these princes? Are they some animal, are they formed from stone, are they dinosaurs... You said there were no humans, but don't give us any alternative. Also, if they're princes, what are they ruling?
'there where four legendary Princes.' Where should be were.
'powers striped from them,' Stripped, not striped.
'The powers are yet to this day still dormant,' Should be either 'The powers are still dormant to this day' or 'Yet to this day, the powers are dormant.' Basically, this sentence needs to be re-worded. XD
'the hidden power with in them.' 'with in' should be 'within'.
'great-great ancestors' I don't think someone can have great-great-ancestors. It's either great-great-grandparents or ancestors. Ancesters are anyone you're descended from, who lived a long time ago, so the great-great isn't neccesary.
And, finally, like canislupis said, this needs more showing and less telling, I think, to make it more gripping. This sounds like a back-cover blurb you'd use to summarize the story. If you want to give the reader this information from the get-go, I'd write it into the story itself. For example, write a section from the point of view of the four legendary princes, either when they're in their prime or on their deathbeds, or maybe even write a section from the point of view of some big villain, explaining their evil plan to the newest henchmen/sidekick/intern, etc.
Bottom line? Interesting premise, but I think you need a more gripping prologue to pull the reader in.
Thank you both for your critique's and ideas. I will use your ideas and apply them to future stories. Again thank you both.
Hi there! And welcome to YWS! I used to have your exact avatar.
Anyhow, on to the review!
This isn't really a story--yet. It feels more like an outline of a general plot than a prologue. Why?
Because it's all telling, not showing. You'll probably here this more than once here, so I'll just give you a link that should explain it here.
In a story, we generally want a character we can relate to right away, and in order to make a plot, we need that character to have a goal and something to keep him from getting that goal (conflict). Without any of these things, it starts to feel like an outline.
Of course, it is ok to have a prologue, but in most cases it shouldn't be needed. Better to show us the plot unfolding than to give it all away before it's started, right?
Hope this helps a little, and if you have questions or need another review, please feel free to PM me!
I hope to see more of your works in the future!
Lupis
I think you mean stripped.
This should be interesting. Great story line you have here. I think though, you have not made it clear or maybe I am not picking it up; who is the evil going to be fighting, the ancestors souls? I would like to read more of this, it's good stuff. Watch out for spelling though, but its not that bad.