Rated R for language and future scenes of everything else that little kiddes shouldn't see. Also, I have three main characters but my fingers are killing me so I only introduced to two. So sorry bout that ^ ^. Oh, and if I may be so bold, when you critique me please don't disembowel me. Thank you and enjoy my first story.
P.S. I tired to indent and it won't let me so I'm really sorry about that >.<
Kara POV
Do not scream. Do not scream. Do not scream.
“
-and we will have to detain you until further notice,” the incredibly fat man before me said and I rolled my eyes. God, it was bad enough the FBI caught me because of an elementary mistake by letting a witness { a tattletale third grader} live, but now they had to have some man in desperate need of a treadmill and a mediocre college diploma try to get inside my head. What next? Barney will be my crying buddy and we’ll tell each other our most intimate secrets under the harsh glare of the dying lamp? God I would rather shoot myself.
“You officious little prick; do you honestly think I care what you’re going to do with me?” I yawned and just to prove my point I stretch my arms out in front of me like a cat, my dull handcuffs hitting the table with a light clink! sound. His chubby face paled and I resisted the urge to pinch one cushiony looking cheek. “What’s your IQ Dough Boy? 123? 130? Do you honestly think to succeed where others have failed?” he said nothing but then he didn’t have to say anything. His silence spoke volumes on it’s on.
“You’re incredibly intelligent for someone so young Kara. Your IQ is 193 and you’re only nineteen. The FBI knows you’ve lived a mysterious, troubled life and they’re willing to give you a home and a new identity,” he said and then paused, his dark brown eyes looking deep into mine. Did he think I was just going to break down into tears at the word “home” or something? The FBI doesn’t want to help me. I’ve seen first-hand what they do to their “failed contacts”. Shit, not to boast but I’ve even killed a few myself for small time clients. Once I agree to have the FBI “help” me they’ll just manipulate the shit out of me, or try to at any rate. Unless I suddenly became untouchable.
I grinned and turned to look at the dark, one way mirror to my right. “You want me to play dead for you is that it? How ‘bout this shitheads, give me an open position on the White Lotus and maybe I’ll help you on a case.”
“White Lotus,” the fat man shrieked and jumped out of chair with surprising speed to the door. Guess if someone came in with an AKA 47 he’d make it out alive. Then again, all the fat, greedy ones do. “Did you just say White Lotus,’ he said, eyes wide with shock.
“No I said Sesame Street dumbass,” I replied and he narrowed his beady eyes. He frowned and left me alone with a loud slam. He’s not very professional if you ask me. At the very least he could have asked if I wanted something to drink. I sighed and lay my head on the cool steel table. Today was going to be another grueling interrogation day. Joy.
****
Mason POV
“She ran you in circles again Meier,” Mason said, watching the cute girl place her head on the table. Dr. Meier merely huffed in reply and Mason smiled. At first glance you wouldn’t think such a cute girl would be capable violence, let alone the assignation of over two prominent officials and at least thirty small time gangsters and ex FBI contacts. She wore hip hugger Levis with a simple white tee, her curly brown hair was held back by an amber colored clip, and she had the cutest button nose Mason had ever seen. Except for that mouth of hers she could have been his dream girl. White Lotus was an elite group of peacekeepers defending humanity from all threats foreign or domestic, usually against vampires. Once someone joined White Lotus they were deemed “untouchable” by the law and could do anything short of murdering a powerful official with nary a coincidence. Unfortunately, membership was always low because in order to join one had to have a minimum IQ of 140 and most newbies died shortly after joining by either suicide or vampire. The White Lotus needs a new flavor anyway, he thought and nodded.
“Give her what she wants.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think this is a great beginning I really do
it immediatlly drew me in! I'm a pretty picky person in my reviews but I really can't see much that could be improved anyway 
It's just my opinion but I think 'and I rolled my eyes' might be better as 'as I rolled my eyes' to show that she is doing so as he talks
You switch from past to present tense here with 'I stretch', I'd just change it to 'stretched'. I'd also either leave out the exclamation mark after 'clink' or put it into italics
I think 'on' should be 'own' here and I'd maybe add a bit more before his speech as he goes from being silent to talking. Maybe you could say something about him remaining quiet for a while before taking a deep breath and talking again or studying her before he spoke?
Again, switching tenses
It seems like there is a bit missing here in the action as he jumps from his chair to the door
I'd change the comma here to a question mark as it is a question and have 'asked' instead of 'said'
Switching tenses and also as I kind of thought she was talking to herself I'm not sure about 'if you ask me'. Maybe something like 'He wasn't that professional really.' would fit better?
As you have just said 'cute girl' I'd maybe change this description a little to a similar word like 'sweet'.
Do you mean 'assassination' here?
I'm not sure if nary is correctly used here, I haven't really heard it used before though so that just might be me
Overall: Like I said, I loved this
I noticed you switched tenses a few times but pointed it out where I spotted it, it's not much of a problem really all you need to do is change a couple of words around
I was a bit confused with the 'do not scream' at the beginning, I think it was a nice way of starting but in the paragraph that follows she shows no sign of wanting to scream. Do you mean out of frustration? If so I would add in how she wanted to shout with annoyance or something like that throughout the piece. Or you could change how you start to something like 'here we go again...' to show she is exasperated by it all. You could also add in a bit about how the interrogator keeps a straight face whilst talking to her, I imagined him speaking kind of robotically but I'm not sure if that's right. Maybe just commenting on it once would be good
Overall though great work!