Published December 24, 2007
This is not meant to be realistic, nor is it meant to be taken seriously (I'd be insulted if you did). This is also just one whole scene, but a long one. There's also a lot more direction, so...try to picture it.
(Please)
Okay. Let's do this.
____________________________________
Scene V: School Parking Lot
B: (seeing something in the back of her truck) What? (steps out and checks the tires) Oh.
(a few yards away, at the same time. EDWARD, EMMETT, and J are talking near his car, as A and R are leaning against his car, staring off into space)
EMMETT: Hey, look, it's your girlfriend! (laughs with J)
EDWARD: Shut up.
EMMETT: Come on, go tell her you want to suck her blood AND her--
EDWARD: (reddening) Shut. Up.
(EMMETT and J laugh uncontrollably. Suddenly, EMMETT snatches EDWARD's keys)
EMMETT: Go on! It's possible.
J: Yeah, love conquers all!
(both laugh some more as EDWARD tries to get his keys back. J and EMMETT play Monkey-in-the-Middle with his keys. TYLER CROWLEY arrives, and begins to swerve)
EMMETT: (not noticing) Catch! (throws, coincidentally, in the direction of B. Keys land right behind her)
EDWARD: (squealing) No!
(yards back)
B: (looking up at the car, seeing EDWARD's horrified face and not realizing it's for his keys) Oh sh---
EDWARD: (speeding over to his keys, suddenly behind B) Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap...(sees them and picks them up, suddenly sees the van coming his way) AHHHHHHHH!
(As B tries to shield herself with her arms, EDWARD finally realizes she's right in front of him and tries to use her as a shield, forgetting his high strength, but his hands slip, causing him to push the van forward)
EDWARD: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap (looking for his keys, which have fallen again, and lifts the van in his search)
B: (after being knocked down, rubs her head) Ow, what happened? Hey! What are you doing here? (as EDWARD lifts her and finds his keys. While she looks away, he kisses his keys, and notices her)
EDWARD: Oh, hey.
B: (in disbelief) Hi. How did you---?
EDWARD:Wow. He needs to learn how to drive.
B: It's from the ice. It's hard to drive in the ice.
Unknown voice: Hold on! We'll get you right out!
EDWARD: You drove fine.
B: That's because of my--never mind. How did you get here so fast?
EDWARD: (looks blank, since he actually forgot) I..uh...I've been here the whole time.
B: No you weren't. You were playing that---
EDWARD: (getting serious) I've been here the whole time.
(paramedics get them out. EDWARD, who hates stretchers, declines his. C, who was across the street at a diner, walks to them)
C: (sees B) Oh, it's you. What were you, drunk or something?
B: (rubbing her head) No.
C: Oh. Then, why'd they call me here?
Paramedic: Well, she's your daughter. Don't you want to join her?
C: (looks blank) Yeah...you see, I was sort of, in the middle of my breakfast, so...Could I catch up with you? Say...ten minutes?
Paramedic: Sir, your daughter and this gentleman were very lucky to have come out the way they did. She was centimeters from death.
C: Hmmm. Yeah...whatever. I'll catch up with you guys. (gives B a pat on the back)
EDWARD: (recognizing him) Oh, hi! This is yours, right? (gives C his gun back)
C: Hey, thanks! See, Bella? He's cool. (gives him a high-five)
B: (open-mouthed) He stole your gun, aren't you going to do something?
C: (laughing) Do something? Like what? (mock-points his gun at EDWARD, who mock-panics) Freeze! You stole my gun! You might as well have raped my dog! Freeze before I make your stupid ass look like a Dalmation's, you pale son of a bitch! (laughs loudly with EDWARD as he puts his gun away)
EDWARD: oh, sorry about it being empty. My brothers were pissing me off and---
C: (waves it off) Eh. We'll discuss that manure later. Eh. (chuckles as he pats EDWARD's shoulder amiably) Good kid. Tell your parents they're doing a fine job.
EDWARD: (mock salutes) Sure will!
C: (still chuckling) Eh-heh...I'll see you guys soon. (walks back)
B: (watching her father return to the diner as they put her in the ambulance) That's so unf---
EDWARD: (laughing with the paramedics) Let's roll! Hold on, Bella!
___________________________________
I make reference to Mr. Stephen T. Colbert on the baby carrots contribution. The man can be quite a character. But no worries. It's as Sleeping V typed: baby carrots is out.
Small (but Significant) Note:
B= Bella
J=Jasper
R=Rosalie
A=Alice
C=Charlie
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Canary word: Present
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140,771 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This was so funny! I especially loved the part about the keys. LOL. This rocks. By the way, great imagination, I probably wouldn't have been able to think of about half of that. Any chance for part three?
Like, freakin' hilarious!! "You might as well have raped my dog! Freeze before I make your stupid ass look like a Dalmation's, you pale son of a bitch!" <- Funniest thing I've heard in ages!
Some people who take the mick out of Twilight just aren't that funny, but you, my friend, have got it totally right. *round of applause*
As for constructive criticism - there really is nothing that strikes me as massively incorrect. Just "Dalmation's" should be "Dalmatian’s". I just loved the idea of saving the keys instead of Bella.
Please, write more!
~EmmaJane
HAHAHAHAH That was hilarious! Edward saving her by mistake is genius! The whole Twilight craze annoys the heck out of me! The books were ok, nothing amazing and the whole obsession with them is insane! Bravo to you for poking fun!
Actually, this really sort of fleshes out the actual scene - even if you weren't going for realism, it felt more like it. I can totally see Edward having gone and stopped the van to save his keys instead of Bella, given the way he treated her chapters before.
Overall this was humorous and a nice rewrite.
He finally remembers her name!
hahahahaha.
That one was amazing as well as the first.
Like i saad in my last post,
YOU MUST DO MORE!
This piece wasn't nearly as funny as the previous one, mostly because this one had more "wrong" stuff so to speak in it. Otherwise, I laughed a bit. Try to think of your OWN comical stories instead of fan fiction. Originality is key!
A little crude in humor... but all in all it's pretty hilarious. Of course, I hate twilight to the ends of this earth, so in my mind anything that hates on Bella and Edward is fine by me.
Great Job
Omg- this is brilliant!
I loved that so much. You are really, really good at this.
I love the way Edward accidently saves Bella and tries to use her as a shield...
hahaha, I was laughing so much at that.
Oh, and Charlie was great.
I think it would make life easier for us if you just put their names instead of letters, if you're doing it on word, you can just use the "replace word" tool.
Oh and I like it when Emmett goes "come on, you like to suck her blood and her-"
hehehe.
that was so good.
I want more!
Oh and i perferred it to part 1.
That was v.v funny, and just as good as your last peice.
I loved the way he tried to use Bella as a shield. That made me laugh out loud. You are really, really good at this.
I like it when Emmett says "come on, you want to suck her blood and her -"
That was funny
I like the way he kisses her keys as well.
I really can't find anything wrong with it, so I'm going to shut up now.
I want more!
Incredibly amazing, again! I loved this more than the first one. Charlie's lines are just perfect!
Gold star!
[note: I'm a twilight fan]
Creative...yeah, but in my opinion you kind twisted the characters in a way that they just shouldn't be twisted. I am a fan of the Twilight series but this just isn't right. Edward is serious most of the time and they are all very serious when it comes to Bella, and Charlie really cares a lot about Bella. I don't know, in my opinion it is just too far fetched and fake.
Nice writing, but could have been better.
-Jess
well that is better if is one big joke.
i would totally make a joke out it as well. Any way more hilarious than the first one.
*Shakes her head, jealous* "She's STILL geting reviews..."
, you son of a gun your wonderful.
The other day I saw some people roleplaying Twilight...well kind of like a story board and it was really funny. I immediately thought of you...
You said that I may be the better writer, I just think I have better ideas. You have the humor and the talent. I mean seriously look at you Jack.
i couldnt stop freakin laughing! it was so hillarious!! great job, keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man the part with charlie and edward was too funny!
That is great! I love the books, but that is so funny!
It was okay. But... I really can't picture Edward squealing. It takes away from his elegance...
This was hilarious. Charlie is too funny, but Edward is just so different...and so care-free...I mean how is Bella going to fall in love with this Edward especially when he is trigger-happy? But I like seeing Edward this way...he kissed his keys? The way you twisted everything was crazily clever...I loved this soo much. I'll be waiting for the next edition. Bravo.
Ok no offence, but IM offended. tht kinda screws everything. i am a HUGE fan of twilight and that kinda made my feelings hurt. i think that the movie is going to suck out loud, but that doesnt change anything. the way you wrote it was confuseing.
I AM OUT FOR YOU Kelsey Logan you make me sad. and if you want, i can pull together all of my freinds and form up a mob outside ur house if you want
Note: Until further notice, this is it.
I guess everyone's just going to have to burrow back into the books (why not? Maybe it'll annoy me enough to start another script!).
Have a great one.
lol hahaha poor Edward nice job tho I enjoyed it
Hahaha I loved that!
I loved the Charlie part and Edward's reason for saving Bella, it was soo funny! Great job!
HAHAHAHAHA
This was TEN TIMES better than part one, I literally laughed out loud at the concept of him saving Bella as an accident.
Priceless....
Well I didn't get here early enough to read this alleged "baby carrots" bit, but if it made it anything less than what it is now I'm glad, because this is great stuff.
Now just go back and fix up the first part a bit and we'll be in business =D
P.S. Charlie is FANTASTIC
AAhhhhhhhh! A guy posting on this. Every body run for their lives. hehe. Any ways, that was fun. I haven't read Twilight, I have a few friends who have, and they want me to read it. ummm. Ya, those friends I mentioned talk about it all the time, so that is why I checked it out. Had no clue who the letters stood for till the end, but the story was good. I could it a story, because even what was in parentheses made it seem like the "non-dialog" parts of a story. Good Job.
"2, 4, 6, and 8 may be, but what ever do we do with 3." -Random little quote made by me.
I FREAKING LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THIS! haha sorry I just love it so much.. WRITE MORE OR I WILL THREATEN YOU WITH BIG WORDS!
haha this was really funny! I laughed a lot! Personally I'm not a big fan of Twilight *checks outside to see if an angry mob of teenage girls are standing outside with pitchforks* I dislike Bella..
Okay the part that made me laugh a lot was when C and EDWARD are joking about EDWARD stealing the gun I mean OMG! That was freaking hilarious! I heart you for writing this..your freakin awesome!
oooooooooohhhhhhhh now i feel stupid...
Jasper Hale.
Rosalie Hale.
loved it! but one thing, who is R?
Baby carrots? *confused look* I didn't really get that part...but everything else was funny. Once again, good job!
Baby carrots is out. =P The rest is amusing, better than the first part. The added description I makes it about ten times better. And yes, if you are going to use a single letter to name che chars do ppl and favor and tell us who is who at the beginning. *trying very very hard to remember who J is but can't*
Heh. This was awesome
Well I am not really sure how to take this. I can't criticize it because, well, you said it was just a joke in essence, but as far as the humor goes I liked most of it. Minus the 'baby carrots' part, maybe its just me but I didn't find it funny. However I will be looking forward to another funny rendering of a piece of writing. It was very fun.
*moved to fanfiction*
That was really good! Funny as always comrade,
.
I think when Edward was trying to get his keys I got slightly confused. Either becaue I'm sleepy or maybe you got some [what I like to call] mechanial errors. I think it didn't help that you used " C" and "J" to describle people.
[ I thought we learned that lesson after Gossip Girl and The Series of Unfortunate Events]
Because to be honest when you said "C" was coming I thought you meant Edwards father.
So yeah dialogue crisp as Amber can make it, and as usual freaking awesome. Happy New Years!
Normally, I'm a stickler and don't really like people messing with other pwople's work...*shrugs* I don't know why, I just do. I really like Twilight, and I think in this peice you have twisted it around, to show us the funny side of of the Cullen clan, and I like that a lot, becuase in the books you only see serious Edward....well 99.999% of the time. --I like how fuffly this is, and I'll be keeping an eye out for the next peice.
Emily